Princess of the Brotherhood

Started by Shadow627, December 09, 2023, 08:53:45 PM

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Shadow627

Hello! Can you please help me with this story? How can I further develop the setting and the characters?

The story is basically this.

There was once a group of 30 muscular strong eccentric introverted males. All of them are physically strong which means each of them can lift very heavy objects.

During the time they were 7 years old up to the time they were 19 years old, this entire group was ruled and commanded by a beautiful eccentric introverted girl. That means the group has 31 members. When all of the males of the group were 17 years old, the beautiful eccentric introverted girl was also 17 years old. All of the 30 males of the group are always the same age as her. Her first name is Abigail. Her other first name is Aya. She is called Abigail Aya.

Ever since Abigail Aya and all the 30 males of the group were 13 years old up to the time they were 19 years old, Abigail was a bit taller than all the 30 males of the group while all of the 30 males of the group had the same height. All the 30 males of the group are not short because Abigail Aya is just really tall. All of the 30 boys have average height while Abigail Aya is taller than most girls her age.

Aya has long straight dark-brown hair. Her skin color is pale. She is physically fit. She is not fat. Her body is in good shape to the point that her body is attractive and sexy in a feminine way. Her body is slim in a feminine and attractive way but despite this, she is physically strong. Her face is also very beautiful. Aya has good hygiene and often takes baths. She often smells good because she likes using perfume on herself very often. As for all of the 30 males of the group, they do not have smells or scents because they have good hygiene and often take baths.

Abigail Aya is part of the group which means the group has 31 members and Abigail Aya is the leader. Aya is the only female member of the group while the rest of the members are boys. All people in the group are martial artists who are all very skilled in Airsoft, Paintball, and gun marksmanship.

As a martial artist, Abigail Aya practices the HEMA martial art of using the medieval two-handed double-edged knight longsword while all of the 30 boys of the group practice a martial art that uses knives and not swords.

As a martial artist, Abigail Aya often carries a wooden medieval German two-handed double-edged knight longsword and uses it in most fights. As a result the wooden sword is not lethal most of the time and only kills most of the time by Abigail Aya using blunt force. As for the 30 boys of the group, the boys often fight with no weapons such as by using punches, kicks, boxing punches, etc. against their enemies.

Like the 30 boys of the group, Abigail Aya can also fight without weapons. It's just that she prefers to fight with the wooden sword most of the time.

Abigail Aya and the 30 eccentric introverted boys also own and use guns such as AR-15s, FN FNCs, AK-47s, Desert Eagles, .45 caliber handguns, M2 Brownings, M60 machine guns, sniper rifles, etc. against their enemies. The 31 eccentric introverts also use melee weapons such as axes, knives, etc. against their enemies.

In many fights where Abigail Aya uses the wooden medieval German two-handed double-edged knight longsword, she most often wears these:

1. A buttoned pure-white blouse with long sleeves. When she wears this blouse, the blouse is often untucked to the point that the bottom of the blouse reaches down the upper halves of her thighs. When she wears this blouse, the sleeves of the blouse are often rolled up to the point that her two forearms are the only ones that are exposed.

2. A green long pleated skirt. The skirt's bottom reaches Abigail Aya's ankles. The width of the pleats of the skirt are 2 inches. The pleats are folded.

3. A pair of dark-brown female sandals.

In all honesty, Abigail Aya wears these listed combinations of clothes above most of the time. She wears these listed combinations of clothes in and out of fights. These listed combinations of clothes are what she wears most of the time while the 30 boys often wear T-shirts, pants, jackets, and sneakers most of the time such as both in and out of fights.

All 31 members of the group are also white. All 31 of the members of the group are Germanic. The 30 males of the group often protected Aya. It's because she is the princess of their group and all of the boys are her loyal servant warriors. They are very proud to be her loyal protector servants.

All 31 members of the group such as Abigail Aya have been together as a platonic friend group from the age of 7 to the age of 19.

Abigail Aya cares very deeply for all 30 male members of the group. She hates it when others are hurting all of the 30 boys to the point that she brutally attacks the ones who are harming them. She always took care of all the male members of the group when they were sick. She also always cooked delicious meals for all of the 30 boys especially when they had nothing to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She can cook many delicious recipes for the boys such as delicious meals, gourmet recipes, healthy meals, etc. It's almost like she wants to be a chef. She also baked many delicious desserts for the boys such as cakes, muffins, brownies, etc.

All of the male members of the group protected her from her various enemies such as asshole college frat boys, highschool athletic bullies, criminal gangsters, etc. All of the male members of the group brutally destroyed all of those enemies of hers because the 30 boys were some of the strongest fighters in the places they fought those enemies of hers.
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There was also a time when a stupid promiscuous female model tried to pick a fight with the 30 boys' princess(Abigail Aya) for no reason so one male member of the eccentric introverted group brutally beat up that stupid promiscuous female model. The male member of the group who brutally beat up the stupid model girl is Simeon. This female model was known for cheating on her rich handsome boyfriends.

All of the 30 males of the eccentric introverted group were very loyal to their princess. The 30 boys often listen to her commands. The 30 boys were like her loyal soldiers who were willing to die for her.
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By the way, all of the males of the eccentric introverted group have never been boyfriends or husbands to their princess because the 30 boys didn't want to. All of the males within the eccentric introverted group also never kissed or had sex with their princess because they didn't want to. She was only a platonic friend to all of the males of their group and the 30 boys love it that way. It's because the 30 boys respect her very much as their princess.

Currently, Abigail Aya and all 30 male members of the group are virgins and have never been in romantic relationships. Abigail Aya never had boyfriends or husbands while all of the male members of the group never had girlfriends or wives. Abigail Aya is not lesbian or bisexual because she is a straight female while all male members of the group are not gay or bisexual because all male members of the group are straight males. Abigail Aya and all male members of the group never engaged in promiscuity. Abigail Aya and all male members of the group hate promiscuity concepts such as casual sex, casual hook-ups, friends with benefits relationships, extramarital sex, etc. Abigail Aya is chaste. She is very dignified.

Compared to Abigail Aya, all of the male members of the group are muscular and bulky while Aya's body is physically fit in an attractive and feminine way. She is not fat. She is not muscular. Her body is slim in a feminine and attractive way but despite this, she is physically strong. She can lift very heavy objects on her own.

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Again, the 30 eccentric introverted boys' princess is a bit taller than all of the 30 boys. All members of the group are brave ferocious martial artists but Abigail Aya is the best fighter of the group. Abigail Aya is the most skilled martial artist of the whole introverted eccentric group.

If some people made an action video game about this platonic friend group of 31 eccentric introverts and if the group are the antagonists of the action video game, I think all of the male members of the group should be the bosses of each stage while their princess is the final boss. It's kind of like this below:

By the way, these are all the male members of the group:

1. Uriel - The boss of Stage 1(City)

2. Conrad - The boss of Stage 2(Jungle)

3. John - The boss of Stage 3(Hospital)

4. Aidan - The boss of Stage 4(Cemetery)

5. Siegfried - The boss of Stage 5(Tundra)

6. Simeon - The boss of Stage 6(Gun Factory)

7. Reginald - The boss of Stage 7(Canyon)

8. Val - The boss of Stage 8(Supermarket)

9. Vernon - The boss of Stage 9(Extremely Gigantic Train)

10. Wilhelm - The boss of Stage 10(Cave)

11. Zechariah - The boss of Stage 11(Junkyard)

12. Andrew - The boss of Stage 12(Treacherous Mountain Ranges)

13. Luke - The boss of Stage 13(Snow Mountains)

14. Raphael - The boss of Stage 14(Desert)

15. Jerome - The boss of Stage 15(Gothic Cathedral)

16. Elias - The boss of Stage 16(Remote Village)

17. James - The boss of Stage 17(Gigantic Tower)

18. Ambrose - The boss of Stage 18(Highschool)

19. Roderick - The boss of Stage 19(Space Station)

20. Nathan - The boss of Stage 20(Harbor)

21. Randolph - The boss of Stage 21(Extremely Gigantic Boat Ship)

22. Gerard - The boss of Stage 22(Ocean)

23. Peter - The boss of Stage 23(Underwater Cave)

24. Raymond - The boss of Stage 24(Labyrinth)

25. Gregory - The boss of Stage 25(Jungle Highway Roads)

26. Conan - The boss of Stage 26(Destroyed US Marine Corps Base)

27. Leonard - The boss of Stage 27(Underground Roads)

28. Wilfred - The boss of Stage 28(Underground City)

29. Geoffrey - The boss of Stage 29(Egyptian Pyramid)

30. Matthew - The boss of Stage 30(Swamp)
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And then this is the last stage with the action video game's final boss in it:

Final Stage - Huge Mansion

Final boss - Abigail Aya
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Again, Abigail Aya is a bit taller than all 30 male members of the eccentric introverted group while all of the 30 male members of the group have the same height. All 30 males of the group are not short because Abigail Aya is just really tall. All of the male members of the group are average while Abigail Aya is taller than most girls her age.

Again, Aya is also the strongest fighter of the eccentric introvert group.

Read below to continue reading my story.

Shadow627

Hello! I am the OP of this post and below is the continuation of what my story is about:

The best friend group of 30 eccentric introverted males and their eccentric introverted girl leader(Abigail Aya) are actually troubled individuals who fought many bullies in school and are also treated as outcasts by society.

But the eccentric introverted best friend group never cared that the world ostracized them because the best friend group are introverted and eccentric.

Most police forces, most militaries, and most intelligence agencies all over the world such as the CIA, the DEA, the FBI, the US military, Mossad, the MI6, etc. consider the eccentric introverted best friend group as a violent gang.

The eccentric introverted best friend group are very skilled in the following:

1. Martial arts such as BJJ, Wrestling, Muay Thai, Karate, Arnis, Fencing(only Abigail Aya is skilled in Fencing), HEMA(only Abigail Aya is skilled in HEMA.), etc.
2. Art such as painting(painting realistic human faces, etc.), drawing(drawing realistic human faces, etc.), digital illustration, etc.
3. Making music
4. Singing
5. Playing musical instruments
6. Airsoft
7. Paintball
8. Gun marksmanship

The music genre that the 30 males of the eccentric introverted best friend group are very skilled at making are sweet loving boy band romance music songs that are like the following:

1. "I want it that way" by the real-life boy band Backstreet Boys
https://youtu.be/l1d8sMbIXuk?si=FM8IEawWuyrnDh56

2. "Why do I love you" by the real-life boy band Westlife
https://youtu.be/qhnb-TD-4Tc?si=zAlSGa94KcFBwxxE

3. "My love" by the real-life boy band Westlife
https://youtu.be/_mlWHMHQ8f0?si=QnW0__Joq2HBPWop

The 30 eccentric introverted boys also make sweet loving romance songs where each one of them sing not as boy bands but as lone individuals. These lone individual singer songs that the 30 eccentric introverted boys create and sing are like these songs below:

1. "Crush" by the real-life musician David Archuleta
https://youtu.be/TvWzteUWYA0?si=5iauOdZQJt4gc-k5

2. Makita Kang Muli(This song was made by the real-life band Sugarfree. This song's style is like the jungle and tropical rainforest love songs that the 30 eccentric introverted boys make. The jungle and tropical rainforest love songs that the 30 eccentric introverted boys make are typically about romance taking place in the jungles or tropical rainforests.)
https://youtu.be/fIQioluZbJw?si=W0G7gusYJB42Y0r0



As for Abigail Aya, the type of music she normally makes are mysterious calm loving romance songs that are like the ones below:

1. Majika(This song was made by the real-life musician Kitchie Nadal.)
https://youtu.be/6rCmKAGHxek?si=R9bWTNsBzyVUPsCv

2. Wag na wag mong sasabihin(This song was made by the real-life musician Kitchie Nadal.)
https://youtu.be/QyV-RwKo-UU?si=8jl-gg55lkiXcsHb

3. Same ground(This song was made by the real-life musician Kitchie Nadal. The version of this song that I am talking about is the one found in the YouTube channel SuperbLyrics where the song uses electric guitar sounds instead of piano sounds.)
https://youtu.be/VDVgKtQVWHY?si=L5eBhjUHz6IvDkuv

But despite these music types that the 31 eccentric introverts make which make the eccentric introverted best friend group look like peaceful gentle souls, the 31 eccentric introverts are actually very violent people.

The 31 eccentric introverts are vigilantes who vowed to themselves that they will forever hunt down and brutally kill gangbangers and street gangs such as the Crips, the Bloods, the Latin Kings, the SureƱos, etc. and violent uncivilized Muslim migrants of Europe such as Chechen grooming gangs, Pakistani grooming gangs, etc. The ways the 31 eccentric introverts kill gangsters and the violent uncivilized Muslim migrants of Europe are diverse such as by skinning them alive, burning them alive, impaling them Vlad The Impaler style, cutting them alive by using chainsaws, etc. This is why the CIA, American cops, and the MI6 consider the 31 eccentric introverts as nothing but a gang in the same way gangs such as the Crips, the Bloods, the Hell's Angels, the Boys of Destruction, etc. are.

Many civilian people are scared of the 31 eccentric introverts and are wondering why the 31 eccentric introverts are such violent individuals that brutally kill people. The reason why the 31 eccentric introverts are very violent is because of the bullying that they fought against. The bullying that the 31 eccentric introverts faced from bullies are a diverse collection of brutal evil intentions such as brutally beating up someone, putting someone in a coma, violent extortion, breaking someone's personal important belongings, etc. In response to this, the 31 eccentric introverts fought back against and brutally killed all of their bullies. As a result, many people feared the 31 eccentric introverts. 101 of the bullies were even skinned alive by the 31 eccentric introverts. The 31 eccentric introverts killed 431 bullies. One of the reasons why the 31 eccentric introverts brutally killed their bullies is because 7 of the bullies killed some parents of 3 male members of the eccentric introverted best group.

The CIA and the FBI consider the 31 eccentric introverts as a gang but compared to gangbangers that normally insult their enemies by using vulgar violent rap songs, the 30 eccentric introverted muscular boys of the eccentric introverted group typically do not insult their enemies(such as gangsters) and just write sweet loving boy band romance music songs that show their best friend love for their eccentric introverted girl leader while the eccentric introverted girl leader typically writes mysterious calm loving romance songs that show her best friend love for the 30 eccentric introverted boys.

Despite the eccentric introverted best friend group being known and feared as violent individuals, most people found the love songs that the eccentric introverted best group made to be very catchy and very good. Some people such as music critics even said that the 31 eccentric introverts could have gone on to become world-famous talented professional musicians if society just didn't brutally bully them and killed some of their parents. The eccentric introverted best friend group are very talented musicians but due to their violent reputation, these same love songs also disturb most people and give most people creeps and chills.

But the love songs of the eccentric introverted best friend group can also be very violent. One of these violent love songs is one of the 30 eccentric introverted boys' love songs that shows their devoted best friend love towards their eccentric introverted girl leader. The thing about this love song is that it shows the 30 eccentric introverted boys' platonic love for their girl leader while at the same time, the love song also says to their girl leader that the 30 eccentric introverted boys will brutally kill gangsters that are enemies to her by skinning them alive and by boiling them alive. What many people such as the civilians, the Mossad, and the FBI find creepy and disturbing about this love song is that despite the love song's violent brutal lyrics, the love song's melody is sweet and loving.

These kinds of loving but violent boy band songs are what the eccentric introverted best friend group is also widely known for. In a grim way, these types of violent boy band love songs became associated with the eccentric introverted best friend group in the same way that rap and break dance became associated with gangbangers and street gangs such as the Crips, the Bloods, the Gangster Disciples, etc.

As for the 31 eccentric introverts' conflict with the violent uncivilized Muslim migrants of Europe. The girl leader of the eccentric introverted best friend group was once harassed by some extremist Chechen muslim male in a European street due to the muslim male considering the clothing of the eccentric introverted girl to be immodest and haram. At that time, Abigail Aya was wearing a blue female T-shirt, a blue-green cardigan, a pure-white short pleated mini skirt, a pair of black long socks that reaches the lower parts of her thighs, and a pair of pure-white sneakers. In response to the harassment, the 31 eccentric introverts insultingly ignored the Chechen Muslim male. As a result, the Chechen Muslim male's harassment towards the eccentric introverted girl quickly turned into physical violence towards her so the 30 eccentric introverted boys quickly came to her aid and brutally beat up the Chechen Muslim male. As a result, all of the violent uncivilized Muslim migrants around the 31 eccentric introverts all violently ganged up on and tried to violently kill the 31 eccentric introverts but the 31 eccentric introverts brutally beat up all of the Muslims and even killed 5 of the Muslims. This is how the war between the 31 eccentric introverts and the violent uncivilized Muslim immigrants of Europe began.

Whatever the case is, the eccentric introverted best friend group is considered by many to be a violent gang.


Jo Bannister

Glad you're enjoying your writing journey.  I doubt if this is going to be your break-through piece, but you'll learn a lot by writing it and maybe the next one will be.  In the meantime, read copiously - books in your genre, and also others that aren't; start to identify what works and what doesn't.  Don't get bogged down in the fine detail: readers want to know what characters are like, what they say and what they do, not so much how they dress.  Good luck.

Shadow627

Quote from: Jo Bannister on February 12, 2024, 11:42:11 AMGlad you're enjoying your writing journey.  I doubt if this is going to be your break-through piece, but you'll learn a lot by writing it and maybe the next one will be.  In the meantime, read copiously - books in your genre, and also others that aren't; start to identify what works and what doesn't.  Don't get bogged down in the fine detail: readers want to know what characters are like, what they say and what they do, not so much how they dress.  Good luck.

What do you think of the story I made?

Jo Bannister

Honestly? - not a lot.  It's desperately uninvolving.  This is how people write when they Want To Be Writers rather than having a story to tell.  In spite of all the extraneous detail you include, I have no idea what point you are trying to make.  Sorry to be blunt, but being tactful doesn't seem to have worked.

I still can't improve on the advice I gave above: read.  Learn how good books work.