PROVERB

A pro-verb is a verb which takes it job seriously, unlike many strictly amateur pseudo-verbs which were originally nouns but went over the dark side of colloquialism rather than precision.

A prime example of this would be the word Google.  Originally  people would have said "Do a Google search".  Now it's common to be told "Google it."

This 'verbing of nouns' has led to many misunderstandings.  It seems quite possible that 200 years or so from now our language as we know it will be as incomprehensible - or at least 'challenging' - as the language of Chaucer is to many present day readers.

INCOMPREHENSIBLE

The modern teenager.  Despite all those years of compulsory education, comprehensive or otherwise, a tragically high proportion of them remain incapable of making themselves understood by anyone more than a few years older or younger than themselves.

ARTICULATE

A tracking system for larger lorries, (artics).  This was originally envisaged as a 'helpful' tool to let drivers know if they were falling behind on their delivery times.  In theory it could be linked to satellite navigation systems to offer them a quicker route.

But as the trucking companies own route planning system already offered what was theoretically the fastest route the 'articulate' had an unwanted side effect of stressing drivers to the point where many of them started having attacks - panic or heart - at the wheel.

Not a success.  But just one in a long and never ending procession of tech-failures.

DIODE

A short commemorative poem said over the recently departed.  Along the lines of: "You were my best friend ever, Ted. I always followed where you led.  But now, mate, I'm alive and you're dead."

REQUIEM

The attitude at funerals. Originally it was Re Quiet to remind the ill mannered to behave themselves. Now, the quiet is quiem - the Roman M for 1000 meaning it is 1000 times more quiet because we love to overstate things in the postmodern era


POSTMODERN

For the farmer who has everything: fence-posts cut in an elegant octagonal shape and dark-stained.  And actually, I'm not joking.

OCTAGONAL

Something which is eight times more agonising than you remember it being the last time it hurt you.  Like gout in a knee joint compared to a smaller joint like a toe.

GOUT

In cosy country inns, with roaring fires and bulls-eye glass window-panes and stags' heads mounted on the lime-washed walls, as closing time approaches the apple-cheeked landlord says, "Time, gentlemen, please."  In inner city bars he growls, "G'out."

FIBROSITIS

A form of cystitis caused by too much fruit juice and an excess of Weetabix.

CYSTITIS

A mammary gland disease - pus-filled sacs of goo in your tits.
(When charting as a nurse, it was a pus like discharge or a pus filled this or that because we didn't want to have anything pussy in our notes.)




PRURITUS