I'd be grateful for any comments.

Title: The severed Hands of Oliver Olivovich

Blurb:

NEW CUTDOWN VERSION 151 WORDS

Who murdered Oliver Olivovich? And why did they hack off his hands and stuff them in his anorak pockets? Sir Septimus Farquhar-Urquhart, equerry to His Bucolic Majesty, King Herman the Sixteenth, is in the village of Backwater, to answer these, and other, questions. Questions such as: Why are there alligators in the village pond? And, where have all the ducks gone?

Sir Septimus and his trusty wombat soon find that the investigation has more twists than a human bowel. Can they solve the mystery and avert a catastrophic geopolitical incident? Or will they be thwarted by Sir Septimus's arch-nemesis Johnny Toobad, an all-round bad-egg?

The village of Backwater has more questions than answers. How many children's fingers can one seagull eat? Why is there a Mungo hiding in the bushes? How did reality-traveller Sid get the job as Toobad's Head Bitch? These are all questions; of that we can be certain.

ORIGINAL

Who murdered Oliver Olivovich? And why did they hack off his hands and stuff them in his anorak pockets? Sir Septimus Farquhar-Urquhart, equerry to His Bucolic Majesty, King Herman the Sixteenth, is in the village of Backwater, Gross Bucolica, to answer these, and other, questions. Questions such as: Why are there alligators in the village pond? And, where have all the ducks gone? And, of course, are these things connected?

Sir Septimus is aided in his investigations by Bernard, his trusty wombat-cum-aide de comp, and Agent Guido, who has with him a magic rucksack, issued by inventor and intelligence boffin Q (the man who invented standing in line.) Seconded to the team is Agent Tulip of the Mercan Intelligence Agency, sent to assist by none other than Mercan President, Randy Wiggins, a close friend and chess buddy of the handless victim.

Can the team solve the mystery and avert a catastrophic geopolitical incident? Or will they be thwarted by Sir Septimus's arch-nemesis disgraced Gross Bucolican, diplomat, Johnny Toobad, Prefect of Backwater, and all-round bad-egg?

The village of Backwater has more questions than answers. How many children's fingers can one seagull eat? Why has the sheriff of Backwater not changed his shorts in over twenty years? How did reality-traveller Sid get the job as Toobad's Head Bitch? These are all questions; of that we can be certain.

Mark, I'm concerned to admit that I think it's very funny.  It'll appeal to people like us: I'm not sure about normal people.

I do think it's probably too long.  My publishers are always looking for about 150 words - and usually settle for a bit more.  But I would pare this back, including some of the secondary characters.  Don't risk over-kill.

Thanks, Jo. Much appreciated.

I'll pare it back to 150 and see what that looks like.

Mark

I've updated the first post with a shorter version.

M

I think that's a big improvement.  Good luck with it, Mark.

Thanks, Jo.  :)

It definitely would make me want to open the book and read the first page... which is the point of a blurb. Well done.

Thanks, Miggs.  :)

To those of us who've visited 'the village' thread it's still intriguing.  To strangers...

I guess they're either going to be fascinated or assume the writer is crazy.  But I suspect enough will be intrigued and want to know more.

The second version is definitely better.  I ran a word count on the first take and was surprised when it came out at around 22O, because it felt longer.

Gyppo

Gyppo

Thanks for your feedback.

I've been writing scenes for some of these characters for decades and it was great fun being able to flash them out in a full-length novel. 

There are writers who left BWF saying it is just games; well, all I can say is that some of those games proved very useful to me. They encourage you to think and an idea that you chuck into a game can become an entire chapter with a bit of development.

Mark

Quote from: Mark Hoffmann on February 09, 2020, 07:32:31 AM

There are writers who left BWF saying it is just games; well, all I can say is that some of those games proved very useful to me. They encourage you to think and an idea that you chuck into a game can become an entire chapter with a bit of development.

Mark

I agree on this issue.  I'm not saying the leavers were wrong.  We all have our own furrow to plough, our own way of being  and indeed becoming a writer.  There is no one-size-fits-all standard template for a writer's brain.

Playing around with an idea, actively thinking on the page without letting the cold dead hand of reasoning crush an idea half-born, produces some wonderful stuff.  Even the less than perfect stuff is useful, because it lets you begin to learn what works and what doesn't.

The more logical types see this as a non-productive waste of valuable writing time, and for them this is probably true.  Even if it's not they believe it is, which makes it true for them.

What I say is vive la difference.

Mark, I got the warning that the last post was more than 120 days ago, but I'm a newcomer to BWF and couldn't resist giving you my thumbs up for the shorter version. Less is often more. You ignite the reader's curiosity without putting all your cards on the table.

Thanks, Qwerty.