A short piece I did for school

Started by Jerem, April 05, 2020, 09:02:18 AM

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   I haven't stopped running since I first got here, more precisely, I can't. God knows why I would wake up in the middle of a jungle, with a tiger fueled by bloodlust on my tail. I tried my damndest to escape the beast, but no matter where I ran, no matter where I climbed and no matter where I hid. It always found me, each time more wrathful than the last.
   Today, I'm tired. Day and night, I'm on my feet, taking breath after breath looking over my shoulder for the tiger. The piercing heat of the sun and the freezing nights have cracked my skin and my mind. Wounds cover my body, untreated and festering with infections. Every night I sleep atop trees, where mosquitos swarm my body, and bugs feed on my wounds, while I swallow leaves that taste like dirt. There is not a single moment where I do not live in hell. 

   I can't go on in this living hell. So I sat on a giant boulder I found, I laid down, tired and defeated, ready to be consumed by the beast. Soon enough, it appeared again. I saw it's eyes, brimming with wrath and fire, it's fangs sharper than a blade, covered in saliva, and it's jaw clenched together like a fist. Every wrinkle on its face, illustrating it's festering rage. It was like a beast of pure fangs and fire, waiting to pounce on me.

   So I sat, accepting my fate, ready to be mangled and mauled until I am reduced to nothing but a pile of blood red flesh for the insects to feast on. However, it didn't jump on me or even come close to me at all. Instead, it did the most unexpected thing, it spoke to me.

   "Ready to accept your fate, Sam? Good. How long I have awaited for this day to come." the tiger spoke with a deep voice that reverberated in my ears. My brain ceased to function for a few moments, I stammered and rubbed my eyes to confirm my doubts.

   "Not saying anything? Cat got your tongue?" it said again, mocking me.

   "Sam, you should know why you're here. In your life, you worked for the corporations that destroyed my home. You burned down my haven, you ordered for my friends and family to be killed and removed from our land. You took what wasn't yours, and now, you're here to pay for it, Sam. I'm sure you've already suspected where you are, that's right, welcome to your hell, Sam."

   As it spoke, my mind stumbled and dragged until I saw memories of my past, and how I had crashed into a tree while driving to work. I had instantly died. I immediately vomited and cried at the horrendous memory.
"This...this isn't the first time it's happened, is it? Tell me" I asked the tiger. I saw it's face warp and morph into an expression of joy and sadism.

        "No, no it isn't. And it won't be the last either" it stared straight into my soul as he leaped onto me and tore off my limbs one by one in a swift manner. I cried and I cried, but alas no one was there to save me, or to even pity me as I slowly faded out of consciousness from the excruciating pain.

        Then, I awoke. In a lush green jungle, I couldn't remember what happened, only that it was painful. Confused as to where I was, I stood up to survey my surroundings. Until I heard a deep growl behind me and it muttered "Let the hunt begin again".

I did this piece for school on the topic of a story set in a jungle or forest. I need some help on how to show that the character has lost his memory at the end and make it have an impact. Any feedback is appreciated!


Very late to the game here, but here's my thoughts.
I really liked the first section, the descriptions were short but really visceral. The one about having cracked skin from the constant heat changes, the account of the beast that gives you a great sense of it as a force of nature, and the way its voice is described were all very good.
The second half throws a lot at the reader in a very short amount of time: having the beast talk, explain Sam's past to him, Sam's flashback, the death scene, Sam waking up, and then the final cliffhanger, all in about 300 words. I would recommend limiting the story to just a few ideas, since it is so short. Maybe Sam has the flashbacks while resting on the rock, so the beast doesn't need to talk and explain it to him. Or a longer conversation between the two so there wouldn't need to be flashbacks. Overall, this is a really interesting and exciting start to a story; if you want to make the story more impactful, I'd recommend making it longer so we actually get to see Sam doing his destructive job, or learning more about the beast, or something more like that, and so the ideas get more room to breathe.
Thanks for sharing!

Patrick Wood

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