The dreams died (modified)

Started by biolaephesus, February 16, 2018, 11:23:42 AM

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biolaephesus

When your young men
no longer dream
but sit by the fireplace
as they sell their youth
to old grizzlies
who have frizzled
all their talents
on a pot of sunbeam
that left at dawn.

pick your hoe
look at the doe
make the note
to find the vote
when your men
no longer have heat
in their teeth
as their feet
is riven clay.

When your castles
built on sweat
of worn children
their fingers bony and gnarled
from the cries of
their stillborn dreams.
when your woman
smells of tainted jade
cracked , worn, faded
and the laughter of your soul
is a cry of help.
when the howls
of the herdsmen
are mingled with screams of rape
and the leader
of Boko Haram
is a woman in silken robes
and hennaed fingers.

Remember then,
in shrouds of dark linen
the harvester
stamps your entry visa
to Hades.


indar9

Hi Biola,

Another of your glimpses into a different lifestyle.

who have frizzled
all their talents
on a pot of sunbeam
that left at dawn.  I guess this refers to some kind of drug use? It wreaks havoc world-wide we all have different names

pick your hoe
look at the doe
make the note
to find the vote
when your men
no longer have heat
in their teeth
as their feet
is riven clay
  The sudden interjection of the insistent rhyme and rhythm in this section seems like a chorus I would set it apart in italics

When your castles
built on sweat
of worn children



Mark Hoffmann

Biola

There's a lot to like about this poem. I think it would work brilliantly as a performance piece. The start of S2 has a rap feel to it - he said speaking as a middle-aged white bloke :)

Reviewing it as a piece of writing though:

I'd like to see more consistency in the formatting. Are you using capital letters and full stops or not? It feels random.

Some of the sentences are not grammatically correct. I think that would get masked by a performance, but on the page it grates.

"howls are" or "howl is" not "howls is"
"feet are" or "foot is" "not feet is"

And if it looks like a sentence (has a capital and full stop) try to express a complete idea. If the following is a phrase that will be completed in due course, punctuate as such.

When your castles built on sweat of worn children their fingers bony and gnarled from the cries of their stillborn dreams.

Those are are all minor niggles that are superficial at best. A bigger issue for me is who you are addressing. Initially it feels like everyone: The Nation. But towards the end you write "Remember then son" which echoes the poem If by Kipling which addresses the narrators son specifically.

Finally  :) calm mien - interesting use, but feels a bit out of keeping with the rest of the poem which uses more down to earth language.

Mark
Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

The Severed Hands of Oliver Olivovich
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biolaephesus

Wow, Thanks, both Indar and Mark. Punctuation and deciding on capital has always been my problem. I am grateful for the suggestions. I will go over this and send in the corrections as soon as I can. Thanks for the help. I appreciate your guide.
biola

biolaephesus

I have tried to modify this again, Would be grateful if it's more readable. Thanks for commenting.
biola