Started by Jameson, March 30, 2018, 03:32:46 AM
Quote from: Mark Hoffmann on March 30, 2018, 12:47:25 PMHi JamesonI don't get the title: what is the unpleasant thing you are taking a break from? If you mentioned it in the poem it went over my head.It can be any unpleasant thing, the point is that, this poem is to evoke a place away from whatever that is. I don't know that it necessarily has to be specific. The reader may have their own which they can plug in maybe? Is it better to be specific in this you think?I like the opening lines, you set the scene with good concrete images.The following lines I thought a little strange in that they state the obvious. Unless maybe they are outside? More in closeness and comfortThan a need for any warmthYou may be right on that, and I thought also a reader might find that as well, a kind of confirmation to the expected tone of the piece adding to the reader's comfort. Might not be necessary.If not cliched, then the following lines are tiptoeing in that direction. Perhaps try to find more original ways to describe the same thing.A voice filled with laughterA smile behind every sentenceLeaning in, I will kiss herI'll work on that, thank you.The next bit about the hickey (not a word used in UK English but I know it) and the earring are again good concrete images. But I got a bit lost with its caress. What is it here?I ran into some trouble with the passage I had before. It totally didn't work. I wedged that bit in and it seems it still needs improvement. One of the reasons why I brought this piece here. The imagery I am trying to get to is about the neck feeling something. Any ideas would be appreciated.There are a couple of probs with the next section ...Her legs then drape over mineAnd we'll have a timely embraceTry to avoid having disembodied limbs doing stuff. And, the next line is a bit grammatically weird – future tense? Timely might be ok but sound wrong to me. Why is that the right time and right enough to draw emphasis to it?I'll work on that, I agree somewhat. Thank you. Towards the end it gets very abstract with dreams, memories and wishes, all things the reader will understand but not in an emotional way.General – to make the piece more interesting and original consider using simile and metaphor. Mark
QuoteI ran into some trouble with the passage I had before. It totally didn't work. I wedged that bit in and it seems it still needs improvement. One of the reasons why I brought this piece here. The imagery I am trying to get to is about the neck feeling something. Any ideas would be appreciated.