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Messages - Gino McWeeno

Pages: [1]
1
Review My Poetry - Getting Started / Re: rewrite of old desert poem
« on: March 29, 2018, 10:52:55 PM »
I Really like it.
You have somehow made me feel nostalgic for something I have never known.

2
Review My Poetry - Getting Started / Re: The Beast
« on: March 29, 2018, 10:16:57 PM »
The beast has been with us all of our lives
We may die
The beast survives

It knows only hunger
A need to expand
To conquer nations
And steal land

Eating up gold
And drinking down oil
Poisoning the air
And ruining the soil

The beast grows old
And fat
And sick
Yet still it will grow
It's only trick

Will it continue
Or collapse under its weight
For nuclear annihilation
Seems such a tempting fate

The beast we must fear
But can never flee
The beast is you
The beast is me
This beast we call society


Any better?


3
Review My Poetry - Getting Started / Re: The Beast
« on: March 29, 2018, 10:07:04 PM »
Hi Gino,

I can tell you worked hard on this. The sing-song rhythm and end rhymes reads almost like a nursery rhyme which might seem inappropriate for a subject that I'm fairly certain is intended to be taken seriously. However you could use that contrast to good advantage by changing the title to something like Scary Stories Around the Campfire (or slumber party). The content is enough to scare but we've heard it over and over putting it in the context of a rhyming recitation is then a fresh approach. Keep writing!

The beast has been with us all of our lives
We may die
The beast survives

It knows only hunger
A need to expand
To conquer nations
And steal land

Eating up gold
And drinking down oil
Poisoning the air
And ruining the soil

The beast grows old
And fat
And sick
Yet still it will grow
It's only trick

Will it continue to grow
Or collapse under its own weight The first two lines break with the insistent rhythm set up til now work harder on this
For nuclear annihilation
Seems such a tempting fate

The beast we must fear
But can never flea
The beast is you
The beast is me
This beast we call society yeah so? Don't blame me---think harder about this ending



Thank you for the feedback indar very helpful. I will try to rewrite to make it flow better. could you explain what it is exactly that you don't like about the ending? to be honest I am fairly happy with it.
I really like the flow of this poem, just fix the typo.

Favourite verse is:
The beast grows old
And fat
And sick
Yet still it will grow
It's only trick

Very thought provoking poem.

Cheers Em  :)

You have a typo. Flee not flea.

M



Nice catch, thanks!

4
Welcome - START HERE! / Re: Finally Back.
« on: March 19, 2018, 04:10:16 PM »
Hello Frogg, nice to be connecting with you again. I want to keep making posts i'm sure it will be good for me.

5
Review My Poetry - Getting Started / The Beast
« on: March 19, 2018, 03:23:37 PM »
The beast has been with us all of our lives
We may die
The beast survives

It knows only hunger
A need to expand
To conquer nations
And steal land

Eating up gold
And drinking down oil
Poisoning the air
And ruining the soil

The beast grows old
And fat
And sick
Yet still it will grow
It's only trick

Will it continue to grow
Or collapse under its own weight
For nuclear annihilation
Seems such a tempting fate

The beast we must fear
But can never flea
The beast is you
The beast is me
This beast we call society

Pages: [1]