Quote from: Mark Hoffmann on March 30, 2018, 12:47:25 PM
Hi Jameson

I don't get the title: what is the unpleasant thing you are taking a break from? If you mentioned it in the poem it went over my head.

It can be any unpleasant thing, the point is that, this poem is to evoke a place away from whatever that is. I don't know that it necessarily has to be specific. The reader may have their own which they can plug in maybe? Is it better to be specific in this you think?

I like the opening lines, you set the scene with good concrete images.

The following lines I thought a little strange in that they state the obvious. Unless maybe they are outside?
More in closeness and comfort
Than a need for any warmth

You may be right on that, and I thought also a reader might find that as well, a kind of confirmation to the expected tone of the piece adding to the reader's comfort. Might not be necessary.

If not cliched, then the following lines are tiptoeing in that direction. Perhaps try to find more original ways to describe the same thing.
A voice filled with laughter
A smile behind every sentence
Leaning in, I will kiss her

I'll work on that, thank you.

The next bit about the hickey (not a word used in UK English but I know it) and the earring are again good concrete images. But I got a bit lost with its caress. What is it here?

I ran into some trouble with the passage I had before. It totally didn't work. I wedged that bit in and it seems it still needs improvement. One of the reasons why I brought this piece here. The imagery I am trying to get to is about the neck feeling something. Any ideas would be appreciated.

There are a couple of probs with the next section ...
Her legs then drape over mine
And we'll have a timely embrace

Try to avoid having disembodied limbs doing stuff. And, the next line is a bit grammatically weird – future tense? Timely might be ok but sound wrong to me. Why is that the right time and right enough to draw emphasis to it?

I'll work on that, I agree somewhat. Thank you.

Towards the end it gets very abstract with dreams, memories and wishes, all things the reader will understand but not in an emotional way.

General – to make the piece more interesting and original consider using simile and metaphor.

Mark

Thank you, kindly, Mark.


JS

Quote from: Laura on April 01, 2018, 01:39:26 PM
Glad you've found us, Jameson. You're in good company here.  ;)

Thank you!  :)

Quote from: graphophobia on April 03, 2018, 10:35:28 PM
Hello and welcome Jameson :)

Hello and thank you! :)

Quote from: ST on March 29, 2018, 10:08:05 PM
Welcome JotR  - Interesting read. Thanks for joining.

Thank you for reading, ST. Glad to be here.

Quote from: Mrs N on March 30, 2018, 11:28:24 AM
Hello :)

Hiya Mrs N :)

Quote from: Gyppo on March 30, 2018, 10:52:43 AM
Welcome to our relatively sane corner of the Big Bad Web. 

Gyppo

Thank you, Gyppo. Glad to be here. Relatively sane, eh? Works for me. :)

Quote from: Firefly on March 30, 2018, 04:17:58 AM
Hey J, welcome to our humble home. It is new, still has that new smell and all but overall a great bunch of people

Thank you Firefly. I like this forum, it feels new, and like a good place and good people.

Esophagus

What now?

Random

Toes warming by the fireside
A cuppa cocoa in my hands
Her body presses against me
More in closeness and comfort
Than a need for any warmth
Her scent in the air around me
A voice filled with laughter
A smile behind every sentence
Leaning in, I will kiss her
And leave her breathless
Aroused for the next thing
A small hickey on her neck
Just under the earring that
Dangles down in its caress
Her legs then drape over mine
And we'll have a timely embrace
Feeling those lovely curves
Dozing warmly together tonight
As the flames die down to embers
And our dreams drift and become
Our memories and our wishes
Of the evening by the fireside

Hello everyone. My name is Jameson. I've been writing, well, pretty much all my life. What was once a talent of sorts seems to be growing on me more and more. I've been writing short stories and poetry quite a lot here these last couple years and decided to get onto some writer's forums and expand my horizons. I joined the Tangled Branch site a few days ago and I like it, even if I did end up locking myself out of my account- temporarily I hope. It's a good place. Feels very cozy, much like a coffee shop maybe.

I hope to meet new people in the business and polish up my own writing and gain some insight into what works for possible publication. For reading, well, I think I'd read anything really. As long as it's well written enough. I am exploring how that translates into writing. Can I write something that a reader will want to consume? Or is my writing just a bit of self expression not fit for the pages its typed on? I enjoy writing a bit of comedy, satire, speeches, essays, short stories, erotica, haikus, poetry, historical fiction and even the odd bit of romance.

On a personal note, I'll be 50 this year, have a wife and a couple teens. Nearly an empty nester. I love the outdoors, work hard and steadily, highly observant, and do my best to stay optimistic and kind with people. I am ridiculously healthy in a world where it seems I am surrounded by people with some sort of malady or another. I tend to not want to sleep most of the time, there is too much in the world to experience.

Enough for now. Hope to visit with you all soon. Thank you for your time and attention. Say hello anytime.  :)