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The Bar & Grill => Word Play => Topic started by: DGSquared on April 17, 2019, 06:56:33 AM

Title: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on April 17, 2019, 06:56:33 AM
This is a twist on a simple game.

The person above you posts something good then you follow up with a post that will taint their good thing. Then you post a good thing for the next person to ruin.

Example:

The person above me posts,  "I won the lottery."

My follow up post is...
Bad thing:
"But in your excitement, you crashed your car on the way to cash in and the lottery ticket burned in the resulting fire."




Have fun with this. Let's see where it goes...





I won the lottery!




Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on April 17, 2019, 06:57:42 AM
Bad thing:
"But in your excitement, you crashed your car on the way to cash in and the lottery ticket burned in the resulting fire."


Good thing:

I won two tickets to what promises to be a great concert.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on April 17, 2019, 03:44:29 PM
Sounded good, until I found out that second prize was four tickets.

On the plus side, my boyfriend's borrowed his dad's car to drive us there.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 17, 2019, 04:21:21 PM
but you ended up in a head-on collision and your boyfriend died.


On the bright side, at the funeral you learnt he was a two-timing bastard, so you were better off without him anyway.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on April 17, 2019, 11:11:23 PM
But he only mentioned the other woman in his will.



You look great in dark colors.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 18, 2019, 03:27:41 AM
But you are a sparklely vampire.

You are losing weight.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on April 18, 2019, 03:31:12 AM
And that includes my boobs, flat chested is so out

Your new car looks amazing in red
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 18, 2019, 03:33:05 AM
But the engine is gone

You got a new camera.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on April 18, 2019, 03:35:01 AM
And forgot to take the lens cap off so wasted the entire day clicking nothing

The next door neighbour has a cute new dog
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 18, 2019, 03:35:32 AM
But it's Cujo

You got a break.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on April 18, 2019, 03:36:08 AM
Unfortunately it was in my leg

The circus is in town
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 18, 2019, 03:36:50 AM
But it has dead animals

You are now rich
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on April 18, 2019, 03:41:39 AM
And my friends are false hearted

I bought a BBQ for the backyard
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 18, 2019, 07:14:28 AM
but thanks to the draught a single spark set the whole backyard ablaze. And the fire spread to the house too.

However, you moved into a much nicer house now.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on April 18, 2019, 09:39:38 AM
Not sure about the neighbours: they're never about during the day, they wear evening dress even at home, and every one of them needs the urgent attention of an orthodontist.

I got a raise at work!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on April 18, 2019, 09:53:38 AM
When you returned home from work that day, you learned your mother-in-law committed fraud and has been denied her remaining pension. Now penniless, she's come to live with you and your spouse at your expense.



My latest watercolor painting turned out pretty good, probably the best I've ever created.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on April 18, 2019, 10:04:29 AM
But when placed at a certain angle, resembled male genitalia so was removed from the church art exhibition and you were banned for life with three hail Mary's and one Our Father

The rain broke the drought
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on April 18, 2019, 10:42:37 AM
But it hasn't stopped raining and Noah fed the instructions on how to build an ark to the goats.


The hills are covered in flowers.




Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on April 18, 2019, 10:46:15 AM
Now I take an antihistamine every day for the hay fever

I threw a party for the family
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on April 18, 2019, 04:41:12 PM
...and damn it, they came - every one of them!

You only have one family...  No, wait, that's both a bad thing and a good thing!

My family always remember my birthday.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on April 18, 2019, 09:46:05 PM
But they turn up with no presents and expect you to have the cake

I went on a balloon ride yesterday
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 18, 2019, 09:47:35 PM
And fell out of the bloody thing.

On the bright side, I only broke both legs and several ribs.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on April 18, 2019, 09:49:40 PM
While in hospital the doctor read the chart wrong and plastered up both my arms instead

But that was fine, my doctor was cute and had a nice butt
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 18, 2019, 09:51:21 PM
and he was gay.

But the hospital food didn't taste bad.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 18, 2019, 10:30:28 PM
(That actually isn't bad if you are a gay man yourself. ;) )

It's made from people.

Trump is impeached!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on April 19, 2019, 05:45:55 AM
But buys his freedom

The ice-cream van stopped at my house
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Gyppo on April 19, 2019, 09:05:13 AM
But it only stopped because it had run off the road and smashed through into my office, destroying my much-loved desk, computer, and all the files.  And the driver bled all over my paper copies, which were then condemned as a health hazard and incinerated.

However, I have off-site backups stored on a massive hard drive in my shed.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 19, 2019, 09:11:19 AM
Unfortunately, the shed isn't insulated and moisture killed that hard drive.

On the bright side, I've got lots of fresh ideas swimming around in my head.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on April 19, 2019, 09:47:28 AM
Until I was cornered by a Hexenbiest and she sucked all of those ideas right outa me and used them for her evil plans

Lucky I emailed the list to my mother
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on April 19, 2019, 12:17:14 PM
... my confused and Alzheimer ravaged mother who threw the things away.



But I've bought lots and lots of legal pads and newly sharpened pencils and can start from literal scratch again.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on April 19, 2019, 03:43:32 PM
Except, now I think about it, the bloody book wasn't worth writing in the first place.

Never mind, I've got a new job at the library.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Gyppo on April 19, 2019, 03:53:16 PM
But it's a totally digital library so I don't have the pleasure of 'shushing' people.

On other hand I can work from home.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on April 19, 2019, 03:57:17 PM
...Where the wife, the kids and even the cat shush me!

Still, I'm off on holiday this weekend.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Gyppo on April 19, 2019, 05:18:50 PM
To where an overloaded and poorly maintained Greek Ferry, conveniently registered in Liberia, will predictably mark the start of the holiday season by rolling over and sinking, killing everyone but me.  As a consequence I will be hounded by;  a) The Press, as the lucky sole survivor, and b) by bloody counselling groups heaving on shovel loads of 'survivor guilt' so they can justify their existence by helping me.

Fortunately I have an Andorran passport in another name and an instantly forgettable face.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 19, 2019, 06:11:25 PM
But your memory isn't as good as it used to be anymore, and you haven't a clue as to where you keep your Andorran passport.

However, thanks to your forgettable face, you can just go out in the city and hide in the crowds for as long as you need to.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 19, 2019, 06:57:52 PM
But you get mistaken for someone who is in huge debt

You found a cure for AIDS
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 19, 2019, 07:35:24 PM
but Freddie Mercury still remains dead


Fortunately, you've got all his music on record and cd
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on April 20, 2019, 12:49:37 AM
Until the dog managed to open the cabinet and chewed them all up

You got rid of the dog and bought a cat
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 20, 2019, 07:37:49 AM
but since you're a lazy git, you needed that dog to take you for walkies. Now you've become a couch potato, you put on lots of weight, got clogged arteries and diabetes and now you need insulin and a triple bypass.

Thankfully, there's lots of nice nurses at the hospital taking care of your many needs.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on April 20, 2019, 08:58:21 AM
Regrettably, you're too zonked out to appreciate them.

The drugs give you some fascinating dreams, though.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 20, 2019, 09:11:29 AM
which was fine, until that one dream where you thought you could fly. You landed on the pavement below, IV-line somehow still attached to your body. Now, on top of all the issues you were already dealing with, you have become a quadriplegic. Your life really sucks.

The only good thing left in your life is Netflix.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on April 20, 2019, 11:38:52 AM
And the cable went out.



The Doctor, not the doctor, arrives in his TARDIS and for some reason undoes all the damage to your body, leaving you healthy and on a path to complete renewal.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on April 20, 2019, 12:00:13 PM
But of course you decide to partake in the good life once again and end up back where you started

You don't mind because you had made many friends at that funny farm
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 20, 2019, 12:17:12 PM
Sadly, your friends have moved and there's none of them left.

Some of the new people at the funny farm seem friendly enough.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on April 20, 2019, 02:15:45 PM
Especially the guy who likes to dress up as a doctor; only when you ask him why he carries a straw around, he says, "It's for sucking brains out with."

At least the medical staff seem aware that he's not really one of them.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 20, 2019, 11:16:59 PM
But he gets away with it and causes a scandal

You win an argument.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Gyppo on April 21, 2019, 05:33:52 PM
But clubbing the chief Constable to death with his own ASP over a parking space and hurling his body three floors to the pavement below is not a good career move.

Hollywood wants to make a movie about it.

Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 22, 2019, 04:07:26 AM
But it's EL James' book The Mister.

EL James stopped writing.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on April 22, 2019, 12:18:00 PM
In the vacuum, you newest manuscript is still rejected by Hollywood and you are left with nothing but bits and bytes of unreadable garbage.


You begin a new career as an astronaut. 
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 23, 2019, 01:46:46 AM
But aliens take over Nasa

You got Grammarly to help you write better.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on April 23, 2019, 09:10:38 AM
Well, you got all you deserved, didn't you?

You started reading better books to improve your own literacy.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 23, 2019, 11:55:37 AM
But you're so illiterate, you don't understand a word you read.

At least there's a fast food joint close by, so you decide to go stuff your face.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on April 23, 2019, 08:26:09 PM
Slightly disturbed by the pile of horse-shoes at the back door.

But nothing beats a milk-shake, does it?
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 23, 2019, 08:48:40 PM
But this one smells off and tastes sour. Something must be wrong with it.

But you've still got your burger.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 24, 2019, 03:44:55 AM
But it will be the last one you will ever have.

Your obsession is now yours.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on April 24, 2019, 07:22:46 AM
But you've already grown bored with it. You've been so obsessed with your obsession, you can't think of anything original or interesting to be obsessed about. Now you're obsessed with finding a new obsession.



I'm making slow progress with packing, tossing and... well, at least I'm optimistic.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on April 24, 2019, 01:27:20 PM
You've run out of boxes and now are "packing" in 30 gallon garbage bags which get mistaken for actual garbage bags and all your crap is thrown away.


Your stuff now actually fits in your new lodgings.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 24, 2019, 01:43:59 PM
But you soon find out you're missing some essentials.

You rush out to buy new and better essentials. Always nice to have new crap, eh?
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on April 24, 2019, 03:46:45 PM
Guess what?  The new crap cost twice as much as the old crap, and works about half as well.

Burgers be damned: you go to a nice restaurant to cheer yourself up.

Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 24, 2019, 06:04:04 PM
Unfortunately, you're not allowed in, as you do not conform to their dress code.

You go to the cinema instead.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 25, 2019, 02:24:59 AM
But it's showing crappy movies instead

Free food for life
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 25, 2019, 07:58:30 AM
Only you get to eat it in jail.

Your cellmate is nice.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on April 25, 2019, 09:25:57 AM
Your cellmate is too nice.

But they appoint you prison librarian.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on April 25, 2019, 12:18:39 PM
They only have six books.



But they do have internet in the library and you are able to find the classics available for free online.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 25, 2019, 08:04:54 PM
Then the computer breaks.

At least there's still those six (highly erotic) books.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 25, 2019, 11:22:06 PM
EL James wrote them all.

Time for a nice bath.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on April 26, 2019, 09:11:59 AM
Why would anyone put caustic soda into an old bath-salts bottle?

The nurse in A&E takes a shine to you, though.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 26, 2019, 10:41:30 AM
So now you have an STD.

Because of your STD, your cellmate finally leaves you alone.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on April 26, 2019, 12:14:14 PM
And you are left with swirling dark thoughts about murdering the damn cell mate and extending your sentence into eternity.



You are finally released from prison.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 26, 2019, 04:20:13 PM
But most of your old friends now hate your guts.

There's that one friend who still likes you. REALLY likes you.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on April 26, 2019, 08:12:12 PM
Why in heaven's name did she go ahead with the sex-change operation?

That's all the encouragement you need to take holy orders, and a vow of celibacy, and become a monk.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 26, 2019, 08:20:18 PM
Turns out Father fancies you. Just your luck!

At least you don't have to worry about going bold now.


Why in heaven's name did she go ahead with the sex-change operation?

Just wondering why that's a bad thing though. She's just become the girl she always was already anyway, only now with the right bits. Or am I missing something?
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 27, 2019, 02:43:46 AM
But you are seen as a pansy

You get rich
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on April 27, 2019, 10:39:35 AM
Or so you thought. What they meant is that you get, Rich, a sloppy, drunk 8-year-old who belongs to your brother's ex-wife's Foster family and you are expected to drive him to El Salvador or you'll be held for ransom and you know there isn't a soul in the world who would pay ransom for you.



I was able to sweet-talk myself out of a ticket for running a red light and saved $650!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on April 27, 2019, 11:10:19 AM
Then I got arrested for murder.  Mistaken identity, obviously - but that ticket would have proved I was somewhere else at the relevant time.

Ah well, I'm the best thing that ever happened to my legal representative's career and bank balance.  He invites me to his family barbecue. 

Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on April 27, 2019, 01:17:11 PM
There is nothing but steak, hamburgers, hot dogs, and even more meat and I'm Vegan.



The party was soon over and I could go home and read a book.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on April 27, 2019, 02:47:34 PM
Had just got comfortable when the power went out.  I couldn't even find a torch to read by.

The upside is that the longer the outage lasts, the lower my electricity bill's going to be.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on April 27, 2019, 04:22:30 PM
There is ice cream in freezer turning into slush.

I found a spoon in the darkness and the not still ice cream is history.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 27, 2019, 06:06:33 PM
And now you're feeling guilty for indulging, and when you look in the mirror you're convinced you put on a stone. At the very least.

You're super motivated to go to the gym.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Gyppo on April 27, 2019, 06:52:07 PM
But the Gym has been burned to the ground.

The good thing is the smoke blackened metal of the training equipment, liberally and colourfully decorated with drips and blobs of molten padding, looks like modern art so you get a good price for it at a trendy gallery.  It goes on display as Les Arte de Conflagratione.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Laura on April 27, 2019, 10:49:41 PM
Unfortunately, your art display is so heavy it detaches from the wall during a party and crushes your best friend's wife.

Fortunately, you'd been having an affair with said wife and she had threatened to tell all. You're off the hook!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 28, 2019, 01:42:04 AM
But then her twin sister enters the picture

You all enter into a polyamorous relationship
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Gyppo on April 28, 2019, 07:24:45 AM
But you soon get fed up with shagging the twin sister and her parrot.  Polly's not as amorous as her kinky owner led you to believe and she's got a vicious beak.

Fortunately the parrot gets Fowl Pest and dies and the twin sister is so bereft she moves away and totally forgets you exist.  Once again the playing field is open.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 28, 2019, 08:11:00 AM
But your young man has given up on you.

Thank the gods for Viagra. :D
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Gyppo on April 28, 2019, 08:53:15 AM
But the pill gets stuck in your throat and you have a stiff neck for eight hours.

You count your blessings that you are not a giraffe.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 29, 2019, 02:37:29 AM
But you aren't a rhino either

You get to be a witch though.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 29, 2019, 08:34:45 AM
And you suddenly find yourself living in the Middle Ages.

You manage to escape the inquisition.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Gyppo on April 29, 2019, 10:55:15 AM
But you moved to Salem and found yourself being hunted all over again.

The good news is you have a very fast broomstick, capable of outrunning Concorde on a good day.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on April 29, 2019, 11:11:37 AM
The bad news is, you suck at flying, so you fall off your broomstick and break both legs.

But you wake up in hospital, and it's 2019 again. No more witch hunts.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 30, 2019, 04:04:07 AM
But aliens are taking over the world.

You are now the queen
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on April 30, 2019, 08:37:00 AM
and surrounded by fawning sycophantic tossers who make you feel queasy. Worse, the crown is too small and you look like you are trying to balance a tiny sparkling gateau on your head.

But as you bend over and vomit, the crown falls off and stabs an alien in his webbed foot. He dies of gold poisoning, and tada, you have discovered a way to free world of the pesky aliens.



Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Gyppo on April 30, 2019, 09:26:38 AM
But a large part of the world's gold reserves is being worn as bangles on the arms of sturdy Gypsy women who don't feel disposed to give up to help you kill aliens.  So you target rapper and gangsta 'bling' instead and discover most of that is faked, or nine carat at best.

The good news is that an emergency gold mine is opened in Wales and the devious little buggers rush to make their fortunes.  Half the population gets killed in the rush.  Natural Selection at its best ;-)
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on April 30, 2019, 09:40:07 AM
Not really a triumph for natural selection.  The half of the population that died were the males.

The good news: the half of the population that survived were female.  Parthenogenesis rules OK!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on April 30, 2019, 12:10:01 PM
But you are not a newt so you have to hold out a faint hope there was some smart men out there.


There are many brilliant but nerdy types who were not lured into the trap.


Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on May 01, 2019, 01:42:50 AM
None of which are legal

Women now rule the world.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on May 01, 2019, 09:22:38 AM
And they all suffer from PMS.

Men overthrow the women.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Gyppo on May 01, 2019, 09:39:35 AM
Except for the all female crew of a nuclear sub loaded with ICBMs.  These things can stay hidden for 25 years.  What could possibly go wrong?

But the men don't give a damn and start a massive party.  "Let's eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may be dead."  By evening they're all totally rat-arsed and quoting the line from a WW1 flying film.  "Here's a toast to the dead already, and hurrah for the next man to die."

Left click to enlarge.



Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on May 01, 2019, 09:51:08 AM
And the men die laughing their heads off. (Wait? Is that good or bad? I'm confusing myself now. ;) )

Some of the men survive.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on May 01, 2019, 11:30:59 AM
And find themselves enormously popular and in great demand for social gatherings.  Go figure.

Until they start drinking too much at the above-mentioned social gatherings, and remember how much it amused everyone last time they put a lampshade on their head.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on May 01, 2019, 12:19:41 PM
But the women are starved for "affection" and each lucky one gets to take a lampshade festooned fool home to have her way with him, but they are too drunk to perform, so they are thrown out into the cold night.



The cold sobers them up and they are actually useful, functional, and at times, even tolerable.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on May 01, 2019, 12:21:43 PM
Then the women start to take advantage of them.  :o :o :o (Who'd have thunk, eh?)

They run off and build a monastery to protect themselves from the women.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on May 02, 2019, 03:10:17 AM
The women own the monastery now.

No more taxes!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on May 02, 2019, 08:36:00 AM
Which sadly means no more education.

Parents step up to their responsibilities and start educating their own children.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Gyppo on May 02, 2019, 08:58:53 AM
Unfortunately this means that all the old prejudices and legends are also instilled with some decent education.  But overall it's a fairly successful experiment until...

One of the new generation, overcome with all the sudden responsibility laid upon his fragile post Milennium shoulders, stands up and declares  "I am a number, not a free man." because he wasn't really paying attention in class.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on May 02, 2019, 09:07:41 AM
And everyone else laughs and laughs and laughs at him, because thankfully most of them did pay attention in class. However, there's this young man who becomes a leader, and since some of the old prejudices have been instilled in him, he decides homosexuality is punishable by death.

After some few hundred gay men and women have been killed, this young leader finds himself attracted to a man, gets sexually involved with him, and he revokes his homophobe law.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on May 03, 2019, 01:42:47 AM
Your man turns out to be bi and cheating on him with a woman

All prejudice is dead.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Gyppo on May 03, 2019, 08:14:30 AM
All Prejudice is the name of Rap star belonging to the Aryan Brotherhood so he is no great loss to the world. Unfortunately he has left thousands of recordings and a huge estate set up to fund regular post-mortem releases of his 'tunes', which are also broadcast 24/7 via his own pirate radio station.

Fortunately an accidental nuclear explosion creates an Elecrto Magnetic Pulse which takes out the radio station.  It also wipes most of the recordings.  Probably the only case in the entire world history of a beneficial nuclear blast.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on May 03, 2019, 09:29:10 AM
Unfortunately, a lot of food was grown in the vicinity of this nuclear blast, and people eating this food are slowly turning into zombies. The dangerous kind of course. The ones that like to eat humans.

Batman returns. Better and stronger than ever before, and he singlehandedly eradicates the zombie threat. Mission complete, disaster averted.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Gyppo on May 03, 2019, 10:14:54 AM
Batman gets arrested at gunpoint by an over-officious and terminally inbred redneck trooper with three first names, Billy-Ray-Luther, who assumes he must be a Moslem terrorist because of his head covering and mask.

But Batman, who knows a true petrolhead when he sees one, pops the hood on the Batmobile.  After an engineering orgasm - "Hot damn!  Eat your heart out Mad Max." - the trooper swears blood brotherhood with Batman and sends him on his way with half a roast hog, a gallon jug of white lightning, and an invitation to be honorary godparent to his numerous progeny.

Sometimes the stereotypes are just irresistible ;-)
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on May 03, 2019, 11:18:40 AM
Now Robin's jealous.  Batman's his godparent, and he's damned if he's going to share nicely.  Time to fire up the Bat-flame-thrower!

Luckily enough, Billy-Ray-Luther thinks Bat-Flame-Thrower will be a bitchin' name for his latest offspring, and asks Robin to be the other godparent, which keeps everyone happy.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on May 03, 2019, 11:50:34 AM
But Bat-Flame-Thrower thinks his name stinks, and changes it to Vlad-Donald-Adolf. Go figure. That kid is truly insane.

Billy-Ray-Luther, Batman and Robin team up and make sure Vlad-Donald-Adolf spends the rest of his days in a Secure Institution for the Mentally Ill.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on May 03, 2019, 05:17:40 PM
With new treatments available, VFT is cured of all paranoid responses and can be safely reintegrated into "normal" society.


Society of the future is just about as normal as society of today.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on May 03, 2019, 05:49:45 PM
Which means we have terrorists, crazy gun abusing children, addiction, homelessness and whatnot to deal with.

But we also have Martini.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Gyppo on May 03, 2019, 08:31:22 PM
But Martini, in company with Henry, designed the Martini-Henry rifle.  Not an outstandingly dangerous tool in its own right, but coupled with Martini's any time, any place, anywhere ethos it developed a reputation as 'a gun that gets around'.

The good news is that it was only a single shot, so any surviving examples are unlikely to attract the modern psycho who has been seduced by rapid firing assault weapons.  A gun which, like the ancient village whore, has had its day.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on May 04, 2019, 01:39:48 AM
But then the world is dead

We're back where we started.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Gyppo on May 04, 2019, 07:49:20 AM
A bunch of ancient hippies, emerging from their post-disaster bunker where they have been hiding since the late 70s , emerge unto the barren wastelands and get all dewy-eyed, talking excitedly about 'being back to The Garden' and chanting Joni Mitchell's anthem about Woodstock.  The senile old buggers start copulating like rabbits on Viagra to re-populate the world with 'gentle and caring people'.

Fortunately most of them are too old to breed, or have forgotten what goes where, so this small blip on the desolation is a statistical irrelevance.  The World, unhampered by any sudden explosion of population, slowly continues to heal itself.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on May 04, 2019, 07:56:22 AM
Convinced that the snake is eyeing up her front bottom, Eve decides to trim her bush to ensure its unsuitability as a snake nest. This sets a trend that will haunt womankind for the next 3000 years.

And yet, millions of women make a good living as minge trimmers and waxers and spend their earnings on cake and vodka. This keeps many a western democratic economy buoyant.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on May 04, 2019, 10:37:25 AM
Then some idiot decides men should trim their pubic hair too.

Thankfully, the trend doesn't last.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on May 04, 2019, 02:51:51 PM
But is replaced by the fashion of pube plaits for both men and women. It takes absolutely ages in the morning as everything has to be washed, blowdried, and plaited. Some people save time by avoiding the double plait and going for the single and central french plait. In many ways, this is counterproductive as it's always getting pissed on and there simply are not enough hand dryers to go around.

Eventually, male fashion sees sense and drops the pube plait in favour of the cock ruff. This is both stylish and elegant and takes virtually no time to slip on in the morning.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on May 04, 2019, 03:59:05 PM
Only now a lot of men decide they don't need to wear any other undergarments or trousers anymore, because they are convinced their beautiful cock ruffs need to be on display at all times. Somehow, almost all fertile ladies end up pregnant and there's a true baby-boom.

Men are now so preoccupied caring for their progeny, they forget all about the cock ruff fad and start dressing normal again.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on May 05, 2019, 02:40:53 AM
But the women weren't interested.


Women run the world now.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on May 05, 2019, 09:02:38 AM
Women rule the world now.

But on the plus side, they keep Trump in a cage like a demented parrot. The head woman (the Presidentress) came up with the idea of charging a dollar a go to poke trump with a pointed stick. This raised enough cash to feed the third world.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on May 05, 2019, 10:47:12 AM
which seemed like a good idea at the time, but now the people in the third world still don't know how to provide for themselves and are completely dependent upon the help and kindness of the "first world" citizens. And their kindness is running out.

Someone has the brilliant idea to send experts to the third world countries to teach them how to use the resources that are already available to them, and how to improve the quality of their soil naturally.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on May 05, 2019, 11:16:00 AM
But the experts got lost and somehow ended up in the second world, a world no one knew existed. They set about being experts and generally annoying second world residents who, until that point, had been enjoying the peace and quiet.

While in the third world, without any know-it-alls to patronise them, the countries begin to make progress.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on May 05, 2019, 11:11:12 PM
It will crash into our world.

Free pizza for everyone.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on May 06, 2019, 08:08:37 AM
Pizza is irresistible, free pizza even more so. The bad thing could easily have been global obesity and a world shortage of elasticated trousers; but that is obviously, too obvious. The bad thing was, in fact, a madness epidemic. Trying to dream up new and original toppings sent the population into a frenzy. When black pudding, hummingbird wings and pineapple became old hat, there were queues at the self-admission doors at the asylums.

As it happened madness was saner than sanity. There were fewer wars, less crime, more afternoon naps. Provided we all took our medication, everything ticked along nicely.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on May 07, 2019, 02:50:37 AM
But it was boring

A new sport happened
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on May 07, 2019, 12:18:18 PM
Then the teams formed up and people became obsessed with their team's standing and there was competition and fighting in the streets after major losses, sometimes blowing up into full blown riots and tearing down of stadiums.


Everyone went home and read a book.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on May 07, 2019, 02:19:52 PM
But one book isn't much to share among a global population of six billion.

To their astonishment and delight, writers were suddenly in demand.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: herron on May 07, 2019, 03:30:05 PM
But it only lasted for about seven minutes.

Everyone went back to their I-Phone games.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on May 07, 2019, 03:52:23 PM
which dulled their wits so much that they could no longer follow the rules of even the most rudimentary word game.

There was lots of cuddling.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on May 07, 2019, 07:53:20 PM
But some obscure law established that everyone had to wear rigid leather wrist braces when engaged in the act of cuddling, which made cuddling awkward and no fun at all.

The cuddlers revolted and that stupid law was abolished.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on May 08, 2019, 12:51:13 AM
But then came the kissing

But it's quick
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on May 08, 2019, 08:26:14 AM
"And that's exactly what can happen if you let the French run the world! Sodding quick kissing - who on Earth knows which side you do first!!" the people cried with dismay as they ate snails out of their bidets.

But there was hope on the horizon. Soon the cotton mills of Northen England went back into production, all making yellow vests.



Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on May 09, 2019, 03:58:12 AM
But they are tacky and cause accidents.

Drivers are getting paid now.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on May 10, 2019, 12:58:04 PM
But they got an inflated sense of importance and will only take passengers where the driver wants to go rather than letting the passengers decide their final destination.


So people take up walking and get healthier in the process.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on May 10, 2019, 02:28:56 PM
Except, of course, for the bus drivers, who now have high blood pressure through getting so angry.

Which makes a really good computer game: Angry Bus Drivers.  Makes the inventor very rich.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on May 10, 2019, 02:51:11 PM
But the angry bus driver who invented Angry Bus Drivers bore a grudge and no amount of money helped.

He tried paying people to be pretend-passengers, but they were so used to walking that they walked up and down between the seats. Bastards! Had they not heard of health and safety?!!

He gave up on that plan and became an evil genius and set up a lab to invent a super strain of polio.

Thankfully that plan failed and what he invented was a super Polo mint - like an ordinary Polo but as you sucked it, it regenerated at the same rate it dissolved.  The angry ex-bus-driver found happiness touring the country (on foot) giving perpetual Polos to ponies and horses (and the odd llama.)
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on May 11, 2019, 03:17:38 AM
Then polo went out of style.

But now, we are all rich.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on May 11, 2019, 09:03:11 AM
But if we're all rich, no one feels particularly rich.

Except for Richard Rich from Richmond, who happily admits to being super-rich.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on May 11, 2019, 09:38:32 AM
Then something improbable happened (and that was improbable in and of itself). A populist government, noting that the general population treated poetry with utter disdain, decided to curry favour with the great unwashed and make alliteration a criminal offence. Poor Richard Rich from Richmond spent the rest of his miserable life in prison - with David Davis from Doncaster and Dick Dastardly from Donegal.

What possible good could come out of this? Well, there was a last minute, early day motion in parliament to amend the Alliteration Act when they realised the sodding act was an alliteration! The act was changed and became the Onomatopoeia Act which banned all presidents whose names sounded like a wet fart from visiting the UK. Oh how the people cheered.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on May 11, 2019, 02:01:00 PM
Indeed we did.  Until it was realised that nothing in the Onomatopoeia Act prevented banned persons from using adjoining countries with devolved governments as a stalking horse, and buying significant bits of them to use as a back door.

Which is when MPs at Westminster stopped throwing bread-rolls at one another long enough to pass the Border Security (Undesirable Aliens) Act, to erect a fence from the Solway Firth to Berwick Upon Tweed - and make the Scots pay for it
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on May 12, 2019, 03:07:18 AM
But then the fence is made of chocolate and melts

Free chocolate!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Dansinger on May 12, 2019, 08:12:42 AM
You eat so much chocolate it makes you violently sick. Now you never want to even see any more chocolate in your entire life.

At least there's rum aplenty.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Gyppo on May 12, 2019, 06:15:42 PM
Rum Aplenty is the name of a Liverpool Irish Shanty group so bloody appalling that they have been exiled to the sleepy little Cornish hamlet of Lerryn.  However the Cornish are a tolerant race and don't give a damn as long as the shantymen keep buying pasties and beer and don't mess with the local girls.

The real bad thing about Lerryn is the constant noise from the scrapping of tourist coaches trapped in the dead end village after being directed their by the locals in nearby Lostwithiel.  Reversing five miles up a narrow and twisty Cornish lane - which wasn't a shortcut to St Austell avoiding the steep hill -  isn't worth even trying.  The passengers and driver are treated to a pasty and a pint and send back to the main road.

It's the modern equivalent to to the ancient craft of 'wrecking', and the scrap metal is floated downriver on barges to waiting purchasers who ask no questions.  But the noise has made most of the residents deaf, which may explain their tolerance of Rum Aplenty.

The good news is the tourist season is starting again and the wreckers are looking forward to a bumper year.

Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on May 12, 2019, 11:19:43 PM
But the tourists are assholes

But we are ripping them off in revenge.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on July 09, 2019, 07:28:05 AM
But they are using their cell phones to take pictures for evidence and going to the police to press charges.




You win $10,000 against your landlord in Small Claims Court for illegally keeping your deposit.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on July 09, 2019, 10:30:04 AM
But the small claims court is so small the landlord just covers it with an old sack and ignores it.

He then gets persecuted for littering and because this is Texas the punishment is death by lethal injection. "Is that a good thing?" I hear you ask. "Yep," I hear Deb reply.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on July 09, 2019, 11:30:55 AM
But it turns out that lethal injection is only the consequence of being prosecuted for littering - being persecuted for it is held to be punishment enough.

So the Grammar Police are called in again, and given powers to stop and interrogate.  Respectable elderly matrons walking their grandchildren to school find themselves incarcerated for not knowing the difference between substantial and substantive.  Their anguished protests that nobody in the broadcast media does either fall on deaf ears.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on July 09, 2019, 12:42:43 PM
And the deaf ears belong to deaf people and that's definitely a bad thing I don't hear you say.

Husbands may disagree and voicing disagreement will surely go unpunished in this, the good thing bit.

Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on July 10, 2019, 05:48:19 AM
But that doesn't last long.

They get sandwiches though.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on July 10, 2019, 08:06:49 AM
But the sandwiches had been made by a retired fluffer and were so engorged with filling that they were too big to fit in anyone's mouth.

A man named Garry had with him a trowel and suggested using it to remove some of the filling, thus rendering the sandwiches (one might end the sentence at that point, and yet) edible.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on July 10, 2019, 09:26:27 AM
Unfortunately, it seems Garry had previously used the trowel to commit a particularly brutal and indeed inefficient murder, so the item was confiscated by the police as material evidence; as were the sandwiches, in case any trace evidence remained in the filling.

Giving up on sandwiches, we ordered pizza. 

Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on July 10, 2019, 11:06:30 AM
Unfortunately, the bloke who ran the pizzeria was Garry's trowel frenzy victim. It seems Garry did not like anchovies.

Thankfully, as Garry was dragged away by the fuzz (painful), a recipe for butternut squash soup, and a small butternut squash, fell from his jacket pocket.

Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on July 10, 2019, 04:01:48 PM
Who'd have thought butternut allergy was so prevalent!

On the plus side, the allergy clinic was next door to a yacht chandler's, full of arcane equipment and men in beards.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on July 11, 2019, 02:21:15 AM
But it's scam for money.

Free haircuts for everyone!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on July 11, 2019, 07:54:21 AM
The free haircuts are administered by untrained, blind barbers and sugar-fed children with sticky, gooey hands.



The good news is, once your hair has been butchered and chopped, your scalp stitched up by the barber shop's resident nurse, and (if they are still attached to your head) your ears repaired, you can purchase wigs, prosthetic ears, and bandages from the shop next door.


Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on July 11, 2019, 08:03:36 AM
But the wigs are green, the ears bigger than Prince Charles' and the bandages covered in globules of sticky green puss that smells of foot rot.

On the plus side, the baldy, earless, blood-stained, look has never been more popular.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on July 11, 2019, 09:26:59 AM
It worked for the Ninja Turtles!

Bad news is, now the Turtles have grown from teenagers to young men with jobs, families and responsibilities, and can't go out fighting crime because they have bedtime stories to read, generations of schoolboys have no idea who Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello and Raphael were, and think that art is an app on your phone.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on July 11, 2019, 10:54:33 AM
Bad thing: There wasn't a good thing, and if that is not a bad thing, then I don't know what is!

Good thing: The years of honing my sarcasm didn't go to waste.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on July 11, 2019, 02:06:02 PM
With a large worldwide audience, people 'round the world were weeping, triggered by the horrible and nasty things they read over and over again, making sure their feelings were brutalized.


A denial of service attacked blanked the screens and they lived happily ever after for several minutes.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on July 11, 2019, 03:27:15 PM
Good thing: several minutes' happiness is enough for people who think life can be lived by telephone.

Bad thing: the denial of service, like the rain, fell alike upon the just and the unjust.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on July 12, 2019, 02:50:05 AM
(You have it backwards.)
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on July 12, 2019, 09:31:05 AM
Noiz

Some people prefer it like that and in these enlighted times it is considered rude to mention it. However, you may refuse to let them stay in your B&B. That's ok. So long as it is on principle and God told you to do it.

Mark

Bad thing: Some people have it backwards.

Good thing: We live in a society where having it backwards is no longer a crime. This is progress and one tiny tiny step towards us one day having a leader brave enough to confess that he/she does not believe in God.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on July 12, 2019, 09:48:12 AM

Unfortunately, that leader will likely believe in the tooth fairy, leprechauns, the Easter Bunny, the Great Pumpkin, and Santa, and will, therefore, collect teeth for taxes, drink green beer and build strange traps to catch men in green with pointy-toed shoes, have Easter Egg Hunts with leaders of other countries to discuss foreign policy, dress up in costumes and knock on doors begging for candy, and send letters to the North Pole asking Santa for help with infrastructure.




Good thing: All of these things help this uncanny leader, except for the teeth taxes and the candy.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on July 13, 2019, 03:28:25 AM
Oh all those cavities! Such a pain.

The dential students are learning.

(Well, Mark, it just throws off the balance and confuses people on which is which.)
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on July 13, 2019, 01:36:28 PM
All the dental school's toothbrushes have already been used on dogs because our beloved canine friends have the world canine in their name and the dental school's owners are idiots.


Even gas stations sell toothbrushes.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on July 14, 2019, 04:27:34 AM
They are all moldy.

It's a Sims party tonight.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on July 14, 2019, 07:48:44 AM
It's a Sims party tonight.

To liven things up a bit, I plan to seduce the grim reaper. I may also take off my cardigan.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on July 14, 2019, 10:41:49 PM
He turns you down

But you'll get a new husband
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on July 14, 2019, 11:41:32 PM
Two husbands are twice as disgusting as one husband. I'm about to sob.



Divorce is a thing!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on July 15, 2019, 01:27:53 PM
Divorce is an expensive thing.

After a couple of divorces, one tends to get the hang of marriage dodging. It's not as hard as it seems. Just say no, kids.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on July 15, 2019, 02:28:14 PM
But you'll have lonely holidays for the rest of your life.




That's fine though because you like to travel and can strike up a conversation with anyone and you never have a hard time getting a seat for a performance anywhere since you only ever need one ticket

Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on July 16, 2019, 03:15:31 AM
You will never leave.

Free food!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on July 16, 2019, 12:21:21 PM
Rampant morbid obesity.



Free Wi Fi
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on July 17, 2019, 02:57:48 AM
No Net Neutrality

We can harass the FCC.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on July 17, 2019, 07:34:59 AM
The Folkestone Cricket Club responds by explaining the rules of cricket to us. Thousands of people spontaneously acquire sleep apnea.

The line at the buffet table is shorter. 
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on July 17, 2019, 12:04:57 PM
Most of the food has now been sitting out so long that the hot stuff is cold and the cold stuff is room temperature and all of it is likely to give food poisoning to the diners.



The obesity epidemic lessens.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on July 17, 2019, 01:37:13 PM
And everyone's pants fall down. There is weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth and a swishing sound as sacks swing from side to side and a whooshing sound as flaps are parted by fierce winds and the faint of heart tear out their own eyes; which to be honest, just creates more gnashing of teeth and totally fails to remove indelible images from the mind.

And then, someone decides to make it into a musical.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on July 18, 2019, 04:41:38 AM
It bombs. Hard.

New dance classes are open.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on July 18, 2019, 12:50:54 PM
People (specifically my husband) learns to dance in ways that do no resemble a frog in a blender. With this new skill set, he tried to get other people (specifically me) out on the dance floor every time music starts. Trust me when I say this is a bad thing.



Finally, American Pie comes true and it is the day the music dies. The dancing also stops.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on July 19, 2019, 02:45:47 AM
Footloose also comes back.

So do Stranger Things
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on July 19, 2019, 12:06:58 PM
With a resurgence of old American entertainment, it is possible to see the old tropes were truly just tripes and out horrible the whole mess was back then and how it did not stand the test of time and is even worse now.


People begin to read true literature, the old classics, and whatever some of us here are selling.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on July 20, 2019, 04:02:12 AM
But it's under E.L. James' work

She inspires BDSM writers to do better
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on July 23, 2019, 12:17:13 PM
The proliferation of crap literature results in a corresponding drop in the literacy rates.



People start to actually speak to each other.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on July 23, 2019, 01:18:01 PM
and soon realise what arseholes other people are.

This reverses the speaking trend. Ahh, a bit of peace and quiet at last.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Gyppo on July 23, 2019, 01:20:45 PM
I know Mark jumped in, but I'm reluctant to waste this offering.  Feel free to run with either ending.

Unfortunately most of what they say is crap, totally banal, (although most of them wouldn't recognise that word if it jumped up and bit them on the arse), and generally about what they've seen on TV or in the comics which pass as newspapers.

For example:  People who still automatically think of the river when they hear the name Jordan instead of a busty 'celebrity' are a diminishing species.

The good thing is this outburst of casual loquacity between strangers reveals the girl you've seen passing by every day - and taken a bit of a shine to - is a total wooden-top, so you can cross her off the list.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on July 23, 2019, 04:02:53 PM
The list, short to begin with due to the three nipples requirement, is soon down to zero.

And so you can stop trying and let your nostril and ear hairs grow. 
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on July 23, 2019, 11:15:51 PM
You now look like a woolly mammoth.



You become prized by those people who enjoy Jurassic Park and they are keen on cloning you.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on July 24, 2019, 04:03:45 AM
Dinosaurs come back to life

So does the sea in the air
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on July 24, 2019, 07:48:16 AM
Crabs keep dropping on my head which is very annoying.

A massive lobster (plus its entire family) drops on to Trump's head and sets up home in his hair. Whenever Trump talks cobblers the lobster reaches down and tweaks his nose with a pincher then quickly withdraws it before Trump figures out what is going on. And this is why Trumpity Trump always looks so bewildered.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on July 24, 2019, 12:19:31 PM
The bewildered state isn't merely a look.



There is a new election cycle coming up and soon the USA and the world will certainly be rid of him.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on July 24, 2019, 12:42:28 PM
The election cycle gets a puncture and no one has a puncture repair kit. There's plenty of hot air that could be used to inflate the tyre, but the politicians can't figure out how to get the wheel off. To be honest, they didn't try; they just stood around blaming the opposition for a historic lack of investment in bicycle tools.

We stumble across an election Segway, which turns out to be much more fun.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on July 24, 2019, 11:43:34 PM
The voting is all done on Segways but they are all run on the Bird and Lime Apps, which the Russians find a way to sabotage, therefore, only the Republican's Segway votes are counted, so the orange troll wins again.



The orange troll chokes on a McDonald's Quarter Pounder on election night and is unable to take office.  That's a good thing.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on July 25, 2019, 03:23:31 AM
Now he's a ghost who haunts us all

But gets excersised and we're free.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on July 25, 2019, 09:38:07 AM
Free for a while anyway, until he gets his breath back from all the exercise. When he stops panting he realises he's morphed into an incubus. He has a quick practice by rogering one of the hellhounds as it sleeps by a fire pit, then he's off, to torment the world yet again.

But this time Buffy thinks to himself: instead of exercising him, why don't I exorcise the twat?! That works and this time we really are free. Hurrah!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on July 25, 2019, 07:47:13 PM
However, they haven't changed the codes on The Button and the giant troll still has access to nuclear arms.





His arms fall off from all of those hours spent holding up his small hands and sh*t covered thumbs.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on July 26, 2019, 01:25:58 AM
This still leaves his favorite and oft talked about appendage available for button pushing.



You can't push a button with a dead worm and nuclear disaster is averted - for now.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on July 26, 2019, 04:37:46 AM
But it goes under ground and the mole people take over

We get to start again.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on July 26, 2019, 12:21:07 PM
Every new beginning comes with the drudgery of plot development and story line creation along with characters who are hiding in shadows. It is just so much work to start anything original, or as original as anything can be after all the thousands upon thousands of years of human story telling.



Once upon a time, the gods said "let there be light" and it was good.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on July 26, 2019, 05:21:44 PM
But the humans had all gone blind from too much consumption of everything, especially that thing that some grandmothers would say, makes you go blind. So, no one was able to see the light.




A doctor came along and invented special glasses that enabled everyone to slowly recover their vision.

Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on July 26, 2019, 11:42:01 PM
While everyone was blind, the world went to hell in a handbasket and it was a horrible, dirty mess. It was enough to break one's heart.



People behaved reasonably and each person cleaned up their immediate area until all the world was beautiful again.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on July 27, 2019, 03:09:10 AM
But some orange troll (it all goes back to the orange troll, doesn't it?) came along and
disregarded all of the rules of decency and cleanliness, thereby ruining the world once again ... or still, depending on which generation you are from.



The troll finally choked on a Big Mac or a McDonald's Cheeseburger and died.

Yep - all good. Does that make me evil? :-\











Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on July 27, 2019, 05:36:45 AM
He came back to life.

But since we started over, a time traveler killed him as a baby. So, he never existed.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on July 28, 2019, 11:08:50 PM
With no Trump to fill the vacuum, one of the God botherers got to run the shouty place. The constitution was scrapped and snake handling was made mandatory.

The atheists pretending to be God botherers milked their snakes. The true believers knew God would protect them so didn't milk their snakes. Whoops. Meanwhile, over in Englandshire, there were not enough snakes to go round, so they just watched the snake-handling shouty people on Netflix. Some perverts in Norfolk cames up with their own definition of snake handling, but the less said about them the better!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on July 28, 2019, 11:37:08 PM
The lines here have been blurred for me.  :o ::)



The snakes were set free and no longer slaves to perverted and deranged men and women.


I'm hungry and there is nothing enticing to eat here.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on July 29, 2019, 06:03:52 AM
But you starve and die

Then you become an angel.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on July 29, 2019, 07:38:43 AM
I fly to heaven and rule the world making it a better place for everyone.


The archangels are envious.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on July 30, 2019, 02:41:23 PM
But is that really such a good thing?  :) Do envious archangels create a kind of envy-green aurora borealis emanating from their bottoms that is so magical even angels enjoy it. Yep, let's go with that.

One archangel's aurora suddenly blinks out and we all get a view of his hairy bottom. We titter. He gets miffed. We titter louder. He gets so miffed he turns all into the kind of morons who watch football and think that a plastic woman spouting twaddle about a celebrity is news.

The world economy is aided by the sale of small bristle brushes, lathery soap and razors to a plethora of hairy-arsed archangels.
 

Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on July 31, 2019, 01:59:45 AM
But is that really such a good thing?  :) Do envious archangels create a kind of envy-green aurora borealis emanating from their bottoms that is so magical even angels enjoy it. Yep, let's go with that.

One archangel's aurora suddenly blinks out and we all get a view of his hairy bottom. We titter. He gets miffed. We titter louder. He gets so miffed he turns all into the kind of morons who watch football and think that a plastic woman spouting twaddle about a celebrity is news.

The world economy is aided by the sale of small bristle brushes, lathery soap and razors to a plethora of hairy-arsed archangels.
I got my 'things' bass-akwards.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on July 31, 2019, 02:55:29 AM
So what are you putting down?
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on July 31, 2019, 10:24:04 AM
So what are you putting down?

Oh, sorry. Was going to say, go with Mark's but that's cheating, I suppose. So, here ya' go.


But they are constantly graffitiing the hallways of the church with acrylics that smell like crap.





Vinyl records are now collectibles and worth a lot of money.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on July 31, 2019, 12:16:20 PM
I threw all my vinyl records away years ago when I also got rid of the equipment that played them. I am left being impoverished by my lack of foresight.



I own lots of floppy disks, to there is still hope.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on August 01, 2019, 07:57:21 PM
Unfortunately, floppy disk players are rare and difficult to find these days.




A new invention designed to dust entire households, powered by the dust itself, has been patented and is to be released and sold to the public in two weeks.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on August 02, 2019, 08:48:35 AM
The dust dusted itself out of existence and dusters became pointless. To make a  point one man folded his duster across the diagonal to create a triangle with three points. But, when it was pointed out that his point was itself pointless, he became so enraged he invented a dust-making machine - the un-duster.

This wouldn't have mattered, but the bastard worked in marketing and paid some moronic celebrities to endorse the un-duster. Millions of non-celebrity morons, influenced by the celebrity morons bought un-dusters and now we are all scrote-deep in dust!

The dust comes up to jockey's chins and so we don't have to see them prancing around in their silly outfits. That's the good thing if you were wondering.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on August 02, 2019, 12:05:06 PM
With the jockeys and their silks hidden, there is no one to ride the horses in horse races so they have opted instead to have people, not wearing silks of course, run in their stead. Betting only increased by leaps and bounds even tho there were no hurdles in the race. With all the increased betting, the mob got in and races were even easier to fix than when horses were the middlemen.


With the mob so busy with this new venture, they lessened their influence over the drug trade and with that and the lack of trade networks, there were fewer lethally laced drugs on the streets.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on August 03, 2019, 12:47:32 AM
Since drugs became scarce, druggies decided to take manufacturing into their own hands. Entire towns have been burned to the ground because of meth lab explosions.



The number of druggies has gone down.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on August 03, 2019, 10:17:53 AM
With an ever-decreasing number of druggies to criticise, the sanctimonious began drumming their fingers and searching for other groups of miscreants to tut over. The obvious choice was drinkers, and before you could say vamoose to a recluse (as a vegetarian I don't approve of goose frighteners) it became unacceptable to drink a bottle of Merlot to yourself with your breakfast.

We were so drunk I couldn't hear the tutters tutting.

Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on August 04, 2019, 01:40:16 AM

We were so drunk I couldn't hear the tutters tutting.
;D ;D ;D ;

The tutters decided to make their own brand of ale from electrolytes, candlewicks, and piss. They called it Gatorade and it was marketed across the world. People drank it like it was good for them and gave them superhuman strength. When athletes like Lance Armstrong discovered Gatorade wasn't all it was cracked up to be, he started doping to win races. He cheated.

Scientists have developed new athletic shoes that stop competing athletes from cheating. It stops them in their tracks.



Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on August 04, 2019, 12:31:30 PM
Most of the larger races aren't even run on tracks so the shoes became entirely useless for Marathoners and Ultra-marathoners as well as all swimmers and divers and the shoeless masses. Cheating continues apace because humans are self-centered.



They are also altruistic, at least some of the time.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on August 06, 2019, 03:20:51 PM
But they are still poor.

And they become saints.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on August 07, 2019, 12:15:54 PM
With all the poor finally dead and gone, the rich have to do their own dirty work and are exhausted.



They create robots to do the dirty work.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on August 07, 2019, 06:59:43 PM
But the robots have become so efficient, people are no longer needed to do anything so the rich slowly go broke from lack of income.




They did perfect a machine that sucks up carbon monoxide, I believe they are called trees.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on August 07, 2019, 08:41:02 PM
No one read the previous sentence beyond the word "sucks" and there were riots in the mals.

The rich spotted the gap in the market and built factories to build machines that sucked and soon there was full employment.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on August 08, 2019, 05:10:05 PM
But then the robots took over.

But they still needed people to fix them.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on August 09, 2019, 12:19:05 PM
Then with Artificial Intelligence, the robot no longer needed human and we were simply the scourge of the Earth without any redeeming qualities. So they killed us all off.


With human gone, the robots could work on restoring Earth to a more pristine condition.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on August 09, 2019, 03:30:44 PM
But robots tend to take things literally and now they are up to their mechanical knees in a primordial soup. And, no sodding croutons!

The robots rust and die even as stirrings of new organic life begin to form in the soup. Still no sodding croutons, but on a positive note, it will millennia before anyone daft enough to have a haircut like Trump graces the planet.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on August 09, 2019, 11:29:47 PM
With all the world just a bunch of single cell organisms swimming in soup, there is plenty of time before the dinosaurs show up so we an all relax.



Evolution takes a different path and there never are any dinosaurs, never any oil in the ground, and a chance for the planet to bring forth some life that is kind and generous and non-harmful.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on August 10, 2019, 04:28:06 AM
But no meat is here

You get to make your own.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on August 10, 2019, 08:15:29 AM
But eventually, people get fed up with slicing off bits of their own arses just so they can have bacon for breakfast and start to look for other species to kill.

Thankfully all the potential meat-eating breath monsters have sore bottoms due to the bacon fiasco and so they call off the hunt. There is still no meat <- good thing.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on August 11, 2019, 04:37:30 AM
There is still no meat.

But the cows come back.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on August 11, 2019, 07:44:27 AM
And they are fuming! They take over the world and start farming people for their milk.

Pecorino made from human milk is surprisingly good.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on August 12, 2019, 06:06:11 AM
But it goes bad.

The people revolt and kill the cows for meat.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on August 12, 2019, 07:24:13 AM
The people are so revolting they can't even look at each other without being sick. They try wearing bags over their heads, but it doesn't really work. Don't believe me, then try this thought experiment. Imagine you are being ridden hard by Trupity Trump. Now imagine he has a bag over his head. See it was no better was it?!

One cow had survived the frenzied slaughter of the breath monsters by hiding up a tree. She was in calf at the time and starts a new species of nesting cows.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on August 13, 2019, 08:48:51 PM
But the people are still hungry.

More cows are born.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on August 14, 2019, 07:02:01 AM
This makes the breath monsters dribble in anticipation.

Thankfully the new cows are all nesting cows and the breath monsters can't figure out how to milk them. One very hungry BM who didn't have the wit to grow food tried to shoot a nesting cow, but he missed. However, the loud bang scared the crap out of the cow and the crap hell on the BM's head totally ruining his Burberry cap. Well, I say ruined, it was probably an improvement.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on August 15, 2019, 02:45:39 PM
The people are still hungry.

Hey, beef for everybody!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on August 30, 2019, 06:47:39 AM
The vegans and vegetarians revolt against meat.



The vegan and vegetarian revolt against meat create an abundance of food for everyone in the world now that beef no longer needs to be fed.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on August 30, 2019, 10:09:41 AM
Now they move on to the chickens who were minding their own business through all this cow crap stuff and have increased in number to the glee of the BMs but the peril of the chickens.


The new dinosaurs can defend themselves and their families.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on August 31, 2019, 03:41:15 AM
But then they died again.

Their bones are really valuable now.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on August 31, 2019, 05:46:40 AM




But the bones are super brittle.

Still, their bones are used as paddles to row out of Shit Creek.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on August 31, 2019, 07:31:55 AM
At the top of shit creek is shit lagoon and if there's one thing worse than being up shit creek without a proper paddle, then it's being in the middle of shit lagoon without a peg for your nose.

But, then the sun comes out and bakes the lagoon surface into a hard crust so we can stop bloody paddling and make a run for it.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on August 31, 2019, 08:37:46 AM
But we are tenderfoots and clumsy, so only the fittest make it out alive.


The fittest have one Hell of a party after the Shit Creek run.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on August 31, 2019, 08:42:37 AM
But it's hard to really enjoy a party with the sound of moaning and screaming coming from Shit Lagoon as friends and colleague slowly submerge into the effluent.

Then someone has the bright idea of turning up the music.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on August 31, 2019, 08:50:55 AM
Then they take down the walls between the karaoke booths and the hits shit the fan.



Some people are more clever than they should be, then Orlando Bloom shows up.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on August 31, 2019, 09:02:05 AM
And the bastard has more fans with him! Now we have a proper shit storm. Gyppo, still sodding practising for his open mic night, starts singing (with a happy refrain) 'Minging in the Rain' and tap-dancing his way down the lane twirling his goat above his head.

His singing induces proper actual rain, with not even a hint of brown in it. By the time Gyppo gets to the end of the lane and spins on the heel of his left wellie doing a near-perfect 2341 degree turn, we are all washed clean - even the goat.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on August 31, 2019, 09:37:17 AM
Gyppo is then incarcerated for clearing the air and has to explain this miracle.


Gyppo's explanation leads to the next great invention that may very well save the world from humans.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on August 31, 2019, 09:47:20 AM
Vaginal dentures. Nuff said.

Now that every home has an extra mouth to feed, there's a resurgence of home baking and the air is filled with the smell of freshly baked sliced bread.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on September 01, 2019, 03:47:55 AM
But it all started to smell

Lemon air ducts!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on November 18, 2019, 06:23:02 AM
The lemon air ducts rotted, got moldy, and made people sick.



A new vaccine was developed to keep people from suffering with mold allergies. It also made people smarter.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on November 18, 2019, 06:34:17 AM
But they became snobs

But everyone is equal.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on November 20, 2019, 06:54:59 AM
...until Comedy Central cancels Jim Jefferies.  ??? >:( :'(



Jim will be back with a new show.  :) 8)
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on November 23, 2019, 07:18:14 AM
But Donald Trump's ghosts owns it.

But it will be canceled.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on November 23, 2019, 07:27:02 AM
Just like Trump's presidency. Wait, that's a good thing for me but not for him so it counts.




Trump has a miraculous stroke of genius.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on November 23, 2019, 07:27:42 AM
It kills us all.

But we slow down with positing.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on November 23, 2019, 09:45:24 AM
Which gives us time to contemplate life, its meaning, and our purpose in the Universe. And how forking depressing is that!

So we speed up again. Hurrah!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on November 23, 2019, 11:48:44 PM
But since we are going in circles, we get dizzy, fall down, and break our collective tail bones.




It works out fine because none of us have tails.


Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on November 24, 2019, 04:08:32 AM
They grow on their foreheads.

But they look cute.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on November 24, 2019, 06:01:29 PM
Until someone invents the chihuahua which entails (get it) shaving from the tip of the tail almost to the base, just leaving a furry ring on the last half inch. Cuteness withers in the face (get it) of lust.

Hats. Of course!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on November 25, 2019, 11:59:00 PM
But there are now gusts of wind and our hats are either askew or even blown completely away and we have to chase down the street trying to catch a ten dollar hat and run in front of a bus and nearly get killed.


There are alert bus drivers who can slam on the brakes really fast.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on November 26, 2019, 10:35:19 AM
This causes the passengers to fly out of their seats and gambol down the aisle to land in a crumpled heap in the footwell.

But these are city dwellers and so lying in a heap is the closest they have ever come to any kind of physical interaction with strangers. They quite like it and wonder why they have been stony-faced, eye-averting, twats for all these years. No matter, all that is behind them now and they lay on the floor cuddling enjoying every second of the womblike experience.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on November 26, 2019, 12:08:44 PM
But the poor kid on the bottom of the heap is losing consciousness as all these people crush him into the bits of street dirt left on the steps.


Someone finally notices the kid gasping for air and finally heaves all 357 pounds of his stony-faced, eye-averting, carcass off the poor child.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on November 26, 2019, 08:29:05 PM
But by then it was too late. The kid wasn't breathing. The pie eater pummelled the kid's chest and forced 18 litres of rancid air into his lungs inflating him like a kid-shaped beachball.

One of the other kids on the bus had just read a pamphlet on utilitarianism and pointed out that not only had the kid probably saved the life of the pie eater by breaking his fall, but as he was an orphan, an only child, and friendless geeky, loser, there'd be no one to mourn him either. Win-win.



Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on November 28, 2019, 03:24:26 PM
But then he came back as the antichrist.

We will be saved from Drumpf.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on November 29, 2019, 07:50:29 PM
But the antichrist has red hot pokers and it transpires that a poker up the bum is worse than listening to the ramblings of a lunatic. Trump may be insane but no matter how long you listen to him you never leave with a sore bottom.

There are not that many pokers and the antichrist decides to start by torturing the most egregious monsters on the planet. By the time he's dealt with all the marketing people, politicians, bankers and genocidal maniacs (in that order) James Dyson will have invented the fireproof, arsehole liner making the red hot pokers no more than a minor inconvenience.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on November 30, 2019, 05:50:46 AM
But it will fail

The rain is coming.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on November 30, 2019, 12:15:31 PM
And turns into a deluge and no one was told to build and ark and so the entire world is depopulated of anything but water creatures.



without land creatures to mess with them, the jellyfish start to evolve into something quite interesting.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on November 30, 2019, 03:08:32 PM
They split into two groups: those who can sting and those who can't. The stingy ones enslave the non-stingy ones and force them to spend all day tending the kelp beds.

With nothing better to occupy their minds, the enslaved ones invent jazz music and spend their time scatting as they harvest the wakame.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 01, 2019, 02:57:13 AM
But it's terrible.

I got a sandwich.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on December 01, 2019, 01:17:21 PM
But the meat was spoiled, the cheese was rancid, the bread was moldy, and it had e. coli contaminated romaine lettuce on it.




the enslaved jellyfish learned to harvest peanuts, make it into a butter, and have delicious sandwiches ever after.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on December 01, 2019, 02:16:51 PM
But due to a severe lack of palm oil the JFs (as they liked to be called) used a colloidal substance secreted from their own bodies and more usually used as a mechanism to ward off sharks, as a palm oil substitute. The colloidal defence worked by making the sharks think they were human at which point they gave up on hunting, waited for someone to bring them a kabab, and starved to death when the kabab never arrived.

The secretion (in the peanut butter instead of palm oil; remember?) had the opposite effect on humans. Why this should happen was known only to Lord Wibble the JF God. Anyway, the humans who ate the PNB containing the colloidal substance started attacking surfers and this was the bad thing you were waiting for.

What possible good could come out of such a story I hear you cry? And indeed that is a very good point. Let's pause awhile and listen to some cogs whirring. ... whir ... It transpires that the hiatus between the eating of a PNB sandwich and the urge to bite a surfer on the thigh was very short. So short in fact that the eaters (AKA attackers) still had remnants fo PNB around their mouths. It was noticed that the surfers' wounds never became infected. Scientists proved that surfers bitten by human PNB addicts were far less likely to die than surfers bitten by actual sharks. This was a surprise (to the scientists at least) and I'm sure you will agree, a very good thing indeed.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 02, 2019, 05:51:17 AM
But it all got lost in translation

We don't need to sleep anymore.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on December 05, 2019, 01:38:02 PM
And now being bored for 16 hours a day has turned into trying to find something to do that is non harmful for the entire 24 hours a day.


FF finally has some company as she whiles away the day she observes.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 06, 2019, 04:47:05 AM
But no one knows who FF is?

LGBT people rule the world.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on December 06, 2019, 12:11:56 PM
And now every damn thing is colored in a rainbow flag draping.



No one is tempted to steal the decor.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 07, 2019, 07:46:39 AM
Because they are frozen

Easy to spot the bigots.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on December 07, 2019, 10:07:46 AM
...because they are all gun-toting do badders known as white supremacists vigilantes, AKA, ICE.


The white supremacists learn to make Mexican food better than Yo Mama. (Not that it's necessarily a good thing unless you live in Idaho and like Mexican food.)


Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on December 07, 2019, 12:11:44 PM
Living in Idaho. That, in and of itself is just a bad thing. Cold and lonely. Isolated.


But they do have good potatoes.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 08, 2019, 07:42:20 AM
I ate them all.

We have cake.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on December 08, 2019, 08:37:01 AM
Marrie Antoinette is delighted to at last be proved correct and gives everyone a Faberge egg to celebrate. The eggs are now so common they become worthless and those of us who invested in eggs as a pension plan are now so poor not even the cake cheers us up.

Someone made a secret video, and posted it on YouTube, of Trump trying to make an omelette with his and his family's Faberge eggs. It is so funny we forget all our troubles. 
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 09, 2019, 04:06:24 AM
It was all lies-- Drump and Marie Antoinette. (She didn't say, "Let them eat cake" BTW.)

We are smarter for it.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on December 09, 2019, 09:49:25 AM
The ghost of Marrie Antionette hated all the know-it-alls who claimed she'd not said: let them eat brioche. It was the only thing she'd ever said that was even slightly amusing. Well, except for that occasion when someone told her the peasants were revolting and she'd replied: Alle Franzosen sind ekelhaft. Ich wünschte, ich hätte Wien nie verlassen. Gib die Brezeln. But that quip was largely forgotten; probably because it was not punchy enough. Bloody historians, they always had to reduce everything to a sound-bite.

Oh yes, the bad thing. Marrie Antoinette's ghost decided to haunt this thread.

Good thing. No one really noticed. There was a slight smell of herring in the air, but bar that things generally continued as before.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on December 09, 2019, 12:13:00 PM
Things generally continued as before. The ennui was permeating the hallways and overtaking the slight herring smell and kept inducing people to order fish and chips in the bar and Bones burned himself as he tried to fry up all this greasy food. Soon the used grease smell overtook both other odors and it was getting offal if not awful.



Someone came along with some essential oils and started to sweeten up the air with the scent of lemon and verbena.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on December 09, 2019, 04:43:34 PM
Then some bloke asked what was so sodding essential about essential oils. A woman replied that they just 'were' that was why. The bloke said that he thought beer and pizza were far more essential than oil that stank of dead flowers. The woman said that was just typical. The bloke asked typical of what. The woman replied: typical of the sort of person who'd forgotten to take out the trash that one day twenty-three years ago and if he didn't think essential oils were essential then he needn't use any and he could spend the rest of his life smelling of herring. The bloke said that at least herring was not his natural odour. The woman threw a bottle of essential oil at the bloke's head, missed and the bottle smashed on the wall and stained the wallpaper. This was the bloke's fault. He should not have moved his head out of the way of the projectile. And yet, he refused to clean it up.

The woman never spoke to the man ever again.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 10, 2019, 03:56:08 AM
He jumped off a building.

She moved on.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on December 10, 2019, 12:11:39 PM
After jumping off the building, he landed funny and twisted his ankle and had to hobble away, infuriated at the injustice.



His ankle soon healed and he found a really nice woman who loved to dance. They entered a dance competition and won, he being strong and graceful, she being lithe and supple.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on December 10, 2019, 12:27:42 PM
His ex-wife tracked him down, hid in the bushes until he and the nymph left the house to visit a museum, and snuck in and filled the nymph's dancing pumps with iron filings. She then went back to the bushes, crouched, and waited.

While bloke and nymph were out they decided to buy nymph some new dancing pumps. The old ones were getting a bit scruffy and had never been quite the same since that time she stood on a large dollop of peanut butter. They'd throw out the old pumps the minute they got home! They would have done just that had they not been distracted by a dead woman in the bushes just outside the house. The woman looked vaguely familiar but blokey was not able to place her; perhaps due to the hideous swellings all over her hands and face. The paramedic told them the woman had died of anaphylactic shock. What a shame the nymph thought. I wonder why she was in my bush bloke thought.


Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 11, 2019, 05:52:03 AM
The nymph died of iron poisoning.

She's a bunch of flowers now.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on December 12, 2019, 11:42:56 PM
Nymph took a liking to essential oils and decided to grow plants, especially flowering plants from which she made essential oils. Bloke hated this, of course until Nymph started to turn a good profit. That is until he remembered why the dead woman's face was familiar. The moment it registered Bloke became sick to his stomach. The essence of ex-wife all over town was too much for him to take.



Bloke didn't have to pay alimony ever again.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on December 13, 2019, 12:17:23 PM
With all the extra money available, Nymph went on a shopping spree on Amazon. Boxes and more boxes arrived until the doorway was totally blocked and the happy couple couldn't get into their house.


The Porch Pirates arrived and cleared away most of the boxes.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on December 13, 2019, 05:27:53 PM
The porch pirates were caught by ring cameras (doorbell cameras) and are now serving time in a mine in Siberia.



Now that the climate is changing, Siberia will soon be a warm resort destination.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 14, 2019, 02:36:17 AM
And then it became tourist trap

People made enough money to cool down the world again.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on December 14, 2019, 03:22:23 AM
But they still couldn't or wouldn't give up anything for clean air or water.




Eventually, people become immune to poison.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 14, 2019, 09:22:49 PM
But they became monsters

The world became healthy and clean again
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on December 15, 2019, 03:48:55 PM
But now with 10 billion people/monsters living on it, it was still doomed.




The Black Plague made a comeback, killed off nearly half the people on earth, and gave the planet a fighting chance once again.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 16, 2019, 05:24:36 AM
But it killed the planet

The planet came back healther
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on December 17, 2019, 01:58:02 AM
Until corporate America reinstated its place in politics. Then it all went to Hell in a handbasket.





However, the laws now state profits are to be spread fairly throughout companies.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 17, 2019, 03:51:07 AM
But didn't last long.

Corporate America dies and is gone forever with the world becoming clean and healthy again
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on December 17, 2019, 11:42:22 PM
Until we look East and see that China is making far more of a mess than the West, mostly because of the billion teaming souls wishing for a better life. The over population of the world is such a problem that even a country that didn't have baby girls for a generation can't fix it.




The population drops and the strain on the world's resources are eased. There is education for everyone and all are able to reach their potential. Interstellar travel finally become possible.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on December 18, 2019, 02:17:55 AM
Interstellar travel is fueled by spin classes, elliptical machines, and treadmills used on the spaceships. Unfortunately, everyone is too addicted to computer games and writing websites to get off their butts and do the exercises required to keep the ship in tip-top-shape resulting in several interstellar cataclysms. 


They finally figured out a healthy way to keep dogs from shedding inside the house and your car. No more tape rollers needed for your black clothing.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 18, 2019, 06:26:18 AM
But the dogs start wearing people as skin

They only wear evil people.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on December 18, 2019, 09:39:47 AM
Evil people shed excessively.



Scientists secretly working for the secret society of The No Shed Alliance, hands out secret hot chocolate packets and everyone is secretively happy.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on December 18, 2019, 11:55:33 AM
The method was to shave all cats and dogs and now the little beasties are perpetually cold and shivering.



There is something new to knit and/or crochet and a new cottage industry builds up around making sweaters or coats for the pets.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 19, 2019, 05:58:52 AM
But it's made from people

Only animal abusers. (On the irony.)
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on December 19, 2019, 02:15:19 PM
And who likes to iron? No one, I'm telling you. What a thankless task, just like all the household tasks. We would all get sick and die without some bit of cleanliness, but still ... each and every damn one is a thankless tasks.



You can hire a maid service.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 20, 2019, 02:41:31 AM
She proves to be smarter than you.

She teaches you the meaning of "irony".
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on December 20, 2019, 12:18:13 PM
But you are too much of a smartass and all the irony sounds more like sarcasm. Your friends, such as they were, abandon you to your literal hell.




You get more writing done, sell some, gather a fan base, and are known for your sarcastic wit to much acclaim. You are even, on rare occasion, compared to Oscar Wilde.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 21, 2019, 04:14:58 AM
Oscar Wilde becomes your rival

But you two sure can party
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on December 21, 2019, 01:11:39 PM
The parties, as always, get out of hand and you end up spending quite a bit of time in jail or even gaol.



Freedom rings when you are free.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 22, 2019, 03:21:58 AM
But Krampus claims you.

You get to party again.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on December 25, 2019, 09:03:36 AM
Two days later you wake up on a park bench in a town you don't recognize, wearing a raincoat, a tutu, and galoshes and discover new tattoos on the cheeks of your face that match the new tattoos on the cheeks of your ass that you'll discover the next time you see yourself naked.


A kid at the park feels sorry for you and shares his snack with you.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on December 25, 2019, 01:02:24 PM
You find out later that it contained marshmallows that were not vegan and you nearly lose your cookies at the thought. Of course, his cookies weren't vegan either so you had to eat your own cookies made with fake eggs and fake butter because chemical shitstorm is healthy!!



You manage a quiet getaway to a mountain cabin and get to sit by the fire (safely in the fireplace) sipping a nice steaming cup of coffee and reading a good book.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 26, 2019, 06:43:53 AM
But it's on fire!

The game ends.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on December 26, 2019, 01:25:35 PM
All the chess pieces go back into the same box, symbolizing the equality of the king and pawns. Except in real life there is no equality between kings and pawns and the great divide leaves many feeling as if they have lesser lives. The sadness spreads and nearly ruins the happiness of the king.



You get the Monopoly game out and get to be the banker.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on December 26, 2019, 09:49:44 PM
And the sound of the baying mob, hungry for your blood, is deafening.

You buy Mayfair (or whatever the US equivalent is), move in and can no longer hear the racket from the Old Kent Road (or whatever the US equivalent is.)
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on December 27, 2019, 12:11:53 PM
As you count your money, over and over, Kenny Rogers "The Gambler" in total disregard, you find all your friends and family disgusted with you and leaving.



Once alone, you pick up the book you've been trying to read, grab a fresh cup of steaming coffee, and settle into your favorite chair to read in peace.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on December 27, 2019, 09:24:29 PM
Until you get to chapter 32 of 64, where the language changes to Japanese, meaning if you do read Japanese, you'll have to start from the back of the book to read to the middle until you get to the English text.  But you don't read Japanese and will have to scan all of the pages into Google for translation. This makes the book you've been looking forward to reading so stressful to read, you throw it into the fire - after you step out of the safe place you were sitting at in the fire.



The book makes beautiful colored flames that warm the room you're sitting in and softens your hardened soul.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 28, 2019, 03:13:54 AM
But everything is on fire because it burned out of control

You are reborn.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on December 28, 2019, 10:19:00 PM
You're born as a baby who knows nothing so it serves as no great advantage other than you start your life over in today's era but you have no recollection of the years you lived originally. Now you have to grow up in a more polluted, crowded, dangerous world, and will have to live through the beginning of the demise of the planet and human suffering due to global climate change.


Your family relocates to secluded, rich farmland on a mountain that gives you a vantage point in every direction where you all live completely self-sufficient and off the grid.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 29, 2019, 02:28:44 AM
You all go crazy and kill each other.

You survive.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on December 29, 2019, 12:59:18 PM
You are stuck on some damn mountainside. You have to hike for minutes and minutes, getting a blister and everything as you try to descend from the killing fields. You realize you would have been much safer in the city than with those lunatics who were all murderous outcasts. You trod towards that goal.



You find a kind soul, since they are everywhere, who gives you lift into the city.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on December 30, 2019, 05:01:34 AM
It's an actual Lyft and the driver expects payment but you haven't a dime or a debit card on you.




A handsome stranger pays your tab.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on December 30, 2019, 05:32:04 AM
It's your father.

But you don't know this.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on December 31, 2019, 07:49:15 AM
Your memory issues are explained when a helpful roasted chestnut seller on the street corner points out that you have liquified brain dripping out of your left ear. This news is devastating and you choose to buy just the one bag of roasted chestnuts.

When you get home you check in the mirror and find that it is not brain but a dead maggot. This is quite good news but doesn't explain why you had not recognised your dad. Then it hits you, you had your eyes closed at that time. With the mystery solved, you relax and have a nice cup of coffee and eat your chestnuts.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on December 31, 2019, 12:09:35 PM
You choke on a chestnut, spit half chewed nut meats all over your lap, spill your coffee in the process, and have burned thighs as well.


Since your pants are ruined, you get to purchase a new pair and you find several other things of interest to buy as you scroll through Amazon's vast treasure trove of crap.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on January 01, 2020, 02:45:07 AM
But they are all too tight.

You go pantless and it's freeing.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 01, 2020, 07:37:25 AM
But your Bavarian get's caught on some barbed wire while you are out walking your goat and you have to call for Fire and Rescue to come and cut you free.

You save money not having to go the parlour to get your Bavarian trimmed and you donate the money to charity.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 01, 2020, 12:16:22 PM
The charity is run by a pack of thieves or perhaps a Trump or two. The money is gone. Simply gone.



You resolve to just spread goodwill by actually doing something to improve your own small corner of the world.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on January 02, 2020, 12:28:41 AM
Then the government seizes that corner by eminent domain and homeless people eventually set up cardboard houses and tents because there is no affordable housing and the government can't seem to separate the homeless drug attics and alcoholics from the people who just lost their jobs and are down and out so all of your hard work and generosity goes to Hell.


You get a hefty tax write off for your cash contributions and a key to the city from the mayor.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on January 02, 2020, 03:52:22 AM
But you're Trump.

But you have been reborn as a good person.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 02, 2020, 07:41:15 AM
As the reborn good Trump, you decide to dress as mother Teresa did to put people at their ease. Strangely this fails and people start running away screaming: help, help, I'm being followed by a hideous looking prevent.

A baboon takes pity on you and walks with you a while, holding your hand, and implying by means of a series whoops and barks, that you are not a pervert, and that although you are hideous, that is not your fault.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 02, 2020, 01:43:27 PM
The baboon walks you off a cliff to your death, but being a better primate, is able to use agility to keep from being hurt in any way.




You arrive in heaven. Damn. There really is an afterlife.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on January 03, 2020, 03:45:44 AM
And you see everyone you've ever known who has died at the Pearly Gates with their hands out for something you do not possess and currently have no access to.


St. Peter gives you one last chance to go back to living and make things right.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 03, 2020, 03:03:31 PM
Back to Earth. But of course, you can't make everything right because what pleases one person displeases another. What is good for one is bad for another. There is all right, there is only as right as you can manage at the time. You are bound for hell.


But you might as well have a good time on your way to damnation. So you stop trying to please anyone - except yourself.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 03, 2020, 03:30:27 PM
And now your wrist aches.

But the chemist sells wrist supports, so you go back to pleasing yourself.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 03, 2020, 08:19:47 PM
You find that you were on display during this venture and there are thousands upon thousands of comments, likes, laughs, and tweets on your technique, such as it is. And your speed to completion. Gold medal on coming in quickly.




You find another hobby.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on January 03, 2020, 10:51:39 PM
But it too makes everything sticky.


A new and improved solvent is made to cut the sticky mess.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 03, 2020, 11:50:37 PM
It eats the skin right off.



Luckily, you only used it on your hands and got it nowhere near your Bavarian.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on January 04, 2020, 03:14:18 AM
But your hands burned up

You die happy
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 04, 2020, 07:34:41 AM
The Hindus were right and you come back as the person whose job it is to wipe the dribble off Trump's chin.

The Hindus were right and you enjoy wondering what Trump will come back as. Maybe a human next time.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on January 05, 2020, 05:07:38 AM
But he's just as bad as last time.

But he dies again and never comes back.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on January 11, 2020, 08:36:58 AM
But Pence takes over and plays such as Hamilton and Book of Mormon are banned and American's are only allowed to sing and listen to religious music. People who do not follow the rules are arrested by ICE and forced to move to Central America where they'll face certain death.



The people revolt and vote decent people into office, for a change.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on January 11, 2020, 05:14:41 PM
Unfortunately, the mere act of being elected turns decent people into megalomaniacs - since, as we know, all power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

So a new system is devised.  It consists largely - and contraversially - of being nice to other people, and treating them as you'd like them to treat you, particularly if there are more of you than there are of them. 

Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 11, 2020, 05:46:15 PM
And just like the many times in the past that this has been tried, those millions of unwashed masses don't really want to think for themselves. They need direction and as always, there is someone willing to give direction which turns to order and then once again, we have rulers who may or may not have the best interests of the ruled in their sights.



The lot of humans has been so for so long that we have grown accustomed to it and mostly just ignore the power mongers and continue to make our own small bit of the world as pleasant as possible.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on January 11, 2020, 11:56:05 PM
Until the power mongers tax us to death to fill their own coffers.



Tar and feathers have been brought back into the political arena so the powers that be aren't too arrogant.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on January 12, 2020, 04:28:44 AM
But no one cares.

They found someone new to enjoy again.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on January 13, 2020, 09:14:11 AM
But that person enjoys everyone else more.






No one else is interested in that person.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on January 13, 2020, 09:43:30 AM
That person goes away and becomes a hermit, taking vows never to communicate with the outside world again.

The good thing is, that person goes away and becomes a hermit, taking vows never to communicate with the outside world again.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 13, 2020, 12:14:04 PM
The world doesn't even miss him. He is just off there in the distance filthy and alone and no one cares.



We all are social and caring and having fun in a variety of ways. One of the ways to have so much fun is to coalesce into groups. Also known as a party. Who brought the chips?
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on January 13, 2020, 09:13:22 PM
Regrettably enough, the guy who works at the nuclear power plant did.  It was his idea of a joke.

On the bright side (see what I did there?) think of the money you save when your guests can be their own fairy-lights.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on January 14, 2020, 01:43:03 AM
But those fairies want those lights back?

You can marry one to keep the peace.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on January 14, 2020, 06:38:35 AM
But, the lights are so powerful you can never sleep again which causes you to go mad.


As you were going mad, you wrote what becomes one of the best selling novels of all time.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on January 14, 2020, 09:50:35 AM
But, since you were mad, your heirs and assignees - who hadn't so much as sent you Christmas cards all the years you were a struggling author - got beneficial control of all the royalties.

But they also had to defend the myriad legal cases where you'd libelled all the people who'd ever annoyed you.  Which made you chuckle even more than the medication.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 14, 2020, 12:08:53 PM
The medication had serious side effects, such has hair growing in places it usually doesn't and your tonsils begin to itch.



You find a new money making stream in a certain type of film making.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on January 15, 2020, 03:05:26 AM
But it's all fake

But being rich is evil
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on January 16, 2020, 10:12:13 AM
But it's all fake

But being rich is evil
I fail to recognize how this is a good thing,
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on January 17, 2020, 03:42:09 PM
Looks like we'd better start again.

You get an envelope from the publisher to whom you sent your manuscript.  It isn't thick enough to contain an offer.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on January 18, 2020, 05:36:43 AM
But it's all fake

But being rich is evil
I fail to recognize how this is a good thing,

(You realize the up side to because you are a good person.)

It's a scam.

But you are smart enough to see it in time.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 18, 2020, 10:31:45 AM
No one likes a smart arse and so everyone hates you and some people call you names. A ruffian in a hoodie throws a stick at you. Then his mate in a backwards baseball cap throws a stone. Thankfully no bones are broken and yet again an aphorism is shown to be utter cobblers. You helpfully point out to the ruffians that throwing things only demonstrates their lack of intelligence and inability to argue a point. They confirm your assertion by giving you a sound kicking.

Thankfully you are smart enough to know that all things pass and soon you are in a nice comfortable hospital bed with attractive and attentive nurses pandering to your every need.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on January 19, 2020, 06:21:38 AM
But the nurses are all men.

Then you turn into a woman.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 19, 2020, 07:18:19 AM
As a woman who was a man, you do the maths and work out that you will now spend 15% of your life quincing about with your hair or cosmetics or buying clothes or shoes or cushions.

God points out that to compensate for that wasted time he's arranged it so woman get to live 15% longer than men to give them time to do all that cobblers. You celebrate by going shoe shopping.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 19, 2020, 01:02:09 PM
All you can find is those stupid high heels with the very pointy toes that hurt your feet.



Since there are now no men staring at your ass, you don't need to walk on tiptoes to make your ass look better and you can wear a pair of tennis shoes without recrimination.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on January 20, 2020, 01:53:01 AM
But they get worn out

You get new shoes
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 20, 2020, 02:25:54 AM
They give you blisters.



So you go to the beach, take your shoes off, and wade in the lapping waves. It is calm and refreshing and the light breeze clears your dark thoughts away and you can finally breathe easy for the first time in ages.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on January 22, 2020, 12:00:11 AM
But there is a sea monster in the ocean.

You go to the pier
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 23, 2020, 07:44:07 AM
where you find thousands of people peering. You try to explain that a pier is not for peering, but they won't listen and keep elbowing you and saying: "Wow! Look at the sea monster." More peerers join you on the pier and the man in charge of the pier - the Pier Monger - starts to panic that it won't take everyone's weight.

But it does. It's stronger than he thought. And that's good.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 23, 2020, 01:30:40 PM
With the collective attention span of gnats, the crowd begins to become bored and restless and one by one they leave the pier and miss the spectacular rise of Godzilla coming ashore. However, this means that Godzilla is coming to shore all nuke empowered with the recent gifts from North Korea's idiot guy lobbing nukes at the ocean. Like anyone could miss the largest thing on the freaking planet.



You live in the Americas and have no contact with Godzilla's rampaging.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on January 24, 2020, 12:10:38 AM
But some dumbass woke up King Kong again. I know, right! Now, the Empire State Building in New York is leaning to the left too much thanks to King Kong hanging on it like a crazy ape.




Queen Kong comes along and soothes King Kong with a lullaby.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on January 24, 2020, 12:33:04 AM
The snoozing causes an earthquake

The world opens up to treasures.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on January 24, 2020, 01:42:24 AM
But the governments of all of the peoples usurp those treasures claiming, "It's for the good of our countries."



As the politicians and the long arms of government funding dive in for the treasures, the earth swallows them whole and they live underground, in Hell while WE live like people who care about the earth and the earth takes care of us.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 24, 2020, 03:12:48 PM
Since people are self serving they devolve into chaos as each tries to get their "piece of the pie" and without leadership in place to quell the madness, anarchy reigns.



A leader emerges and takes control of the mass hysteria and brings peace in our time.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 24, 2020, 05:11:41 PM
When we double-check it turns out he brought piece, not peace. A piece of strudel. Just one piece. The Git. A riot breaks out and lots of people get trampled.

I get away with the strudel.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 25, 2020, 12:11:11 AM
And wouldn't even share even when I cried real tears. Meany.




I found a bakery and bought some chocolate cake and it was so much better than some strudel even if that came with the delightful sauce ...
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on January 25, 2020, 04:57:24 AM
It's all expensive.

But you can make your own.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 25, 2020, 12:25:31 PM
Just like all cooking, it is so .... time consuming or difficult or too much to handle.



After your snack is the perfect time for a beautiful walk along the beach and so you find the perfect, pristine beach on which to walk.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 25, 2020, 08:17:32 PM
After a while, you look behind you to admire your footprints in the sand and notice that your left foot, which started the same size as your right foot, is getting smaller with each step. You continue with some trepidation, but can't think what else to do, and then your right foot starts shrinking also. Eventually, you have two tiny feet no bigger than acorns.

You meet a man coming the other way and his fetish is acorn-sized feet. What are the chances of that happening?!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 25, 2020, 09:31:41 PM
And now you are stuck with this nincompoop when all you really want is to be left alone and figure out how to get your feet back.



The fetishist leaves and you can now figure out how to fix your feet. And you do. TaDa.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on January 26, 2020, 03:26:42 AM
But it's the wrong way.

You become rare.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 26, 2020, 07:44:21 AM
Now there are more nincompoops; hoards of them. They all want pictures of you posing coquettishly with your feet the wrong way and some even offer to buy your used socks. To compound your issues, you get blisters on your wrong feet because no one makes wrong shoes anymore and you are forced to walk in bare feet.

Soon the nincompoops find something else to entertain them - probably a video of a kitten falling off a table - and the skin on your wrong feet hardens enough that you don't need shoes, so you walk to the coffee shop and find they have a two-for-one offer on cinnamon swirls. You sit and sip and chew and watch the world go by and just when you think things could not get any better you see a youth in a hoodie, who is walking along engrossed with something on his phone, walk straight into a lamppost.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 26, 2020, 07:19:38 PM
He knocks himself unconscious and someone calls emergency services and there is a loud siren approaching and disturbing your peace and quiet. The perfect moment is shattered.



You take the last of your second cinnamon roll with you as you leave the scene of the stupidity, content in knowing that your feet are finally feeling normal again.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on January 27, 2020, 03:13:46 AM
But it's stale and poisoned

You become an angel
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 27, 2020, 08:51:24 AM
You hate the way your wings flap about and create a terrible draft when you are having sex. You ask your partner to tie the wings together to stop them flapping and she thinks that is a hint about masochism and it all starts to get painful. You shout you safe word, which is ouch

and then decide to become celibate. This is good as it reduces the risk of disease and is far less bothersome in may regards. You miss the pizza, but that's a small price to pay.

Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 27, 2020, 12:06:15 PM
Now you have to figure out what to eat if not pizza. Why the hell was pizza sacrificed? You think maybe tacos, but it isn't Tuesday, so now what in the hell (wait, that won't work for an angel, will it?) can you eat? As you slowly starve, the feathers fall from your wings ...




and you no longer have to deal with that nonsense. With the wings gone, you think maybe some wings and a side of fries might work for a snack.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on January 28, 2020, 12:49:33 AM
They are out of wings.

Here is the fish.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on January 28, 2020, 02:26:52 AM
Because now that you are starving you'll eat anything to survive - even things with a face.

At the sushi bar, you have to draw a lottery ticket for the fish you can eat. You pull the pufferfish card and they make you watch as they grab a terrified, puffed-up pufferfish out to chop up just for you.  Overcome with empathy, you cannot bring yourself to eat Puffy (because you've named it now) after its eyes rolled back and tried to scream but sounded like a terrified hiccup.

You panic and grab Puffy to set it free but in your starved delirium, you accidentally release Puffy as if it's a bird and throw it into the air. Poor, panicked Puffy falls to the floor with a smack and a splatter just as a peg-legged pirate stumbles into the bar and slips on the fish-ball. This sends the pirate's peg leg in one direction, the pirate in another, and Puffy flying out the back door mistakenly thinking, in a moment of pure optimism, that beyond that door is the ocean. Puffy lands in a wading pool for homeless people, a mud puddle while you run mindlessly traumatized into a neon forest.



A strong, handsome knight scoops you up onto his hippogryph and flies you to a castle to be pampered and fed.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 28, 2020, 08:29:46 AM
Then 2 bad things happen.

1) St Flashback, the patron saint of novelists, appears in a burning bush and gives you a severe bollocking for writing in the second person. He waves a burning branch at you shouting: "Stop writing in the second person, it makes you sound like a psycho or a poet, or perhaps both."

You feel he may have a point.

2) She realises how utterly selfish she'd been to focus on being pampered and fed (and presumably boffed by the strong, handsome knight) while poor Puffy lay dying outside a sushi restaurant in God knows where.  She is racked with guilt and can't enjoy the food or the knobbing.

One fret leads to another fret as both fretting and guitar necks always do, and she starts to worry that having plural bad things on a topic called singular bad thing may have consequences. She goes in search of a hair shirt.

The knight's squire saves the day. He arrives with Puffy in a plastic bag of water as if he'd just won him at the fair. He releases him into the huge fish pond where he (Puffy not the squire) is soon frolicking with the carp.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on January 28, 2020, 08:53:31 AM
For some strange reason, I can't stop laughing.




For some other (or maybe the same) strange reason,  this serves as a lesson in writing on how not to do what you can't undo in the first person.


I've got this bassackwards, haven't you? ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 28, 2020, 12:16:27 PM
The second person (one presumes that would be the squire, but it might be the knight - could be the knight was the third person) is left holding the bag of stinky fish smell. Puffy may frolic for a shorts time, but since he/she/it is a salt water fish, and the carp are in a fresh water pond, Puffy will soon die anyway.



The landscape at the castle is perfect for painting and one (I, he, she, any person available to continue the story) sets up an easel and begins to pain the pastoral scene.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 28, 2020, 09:04:38 PM
The pastoral scene takes some opioids for the pain and is soon addicted.

It's a cool evening so they chop up the easel and build a bonfire on which they roast veggie sausages. Someone brings wine. Things get mellow.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on January 29, 2020, 03:23:46 AM
But there is meat missing.

You know where to get it.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on February 07, 2020, 05:26:34 AM
But all the meat is being hoarded by a giant troll created during that interbreeding thing they had going on in the thirteen hundreds.


It's a party of herbivores so it doesn't really matter.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on February 08, 2020, 04:50:29 AM
But they are poisoned.

More meat for all.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 06, 2020, 07:34:07 AM
Raising beef starves humans.


We all become vegetarian.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 06, 2020, 12:08:59 PM
But all the cows and pigs and chickens are still alive, roam into the veggie plots and consume all the food. Humans are now starving but the cows are happy.



With fewer people left, it is all more sustainable and possible to have a steak again.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 07, 2020, 03:55:12 AM
But they want more.

There will be more.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 07, 2020, 12:11:11 PM
There is always more of something. More peace; more war. More sea; more desert. More wisdom; more stupidity.



People start to pick peace and wisdom.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on March 07, 2020, 10:39:42 PM
But the government taints their water with mind control drugs turning them into murderers

My dog had ten puppies
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 08, 2020, 12:38:34 AM
The runt of the litter was so runty that it looked like the little guy wouldn't make it.


Some kind person took the runt, loved the little guy and he turned into a wonderful dog.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on March 08, 2020, 02:44:27 AM
Until it was stolen by a drug gang and used to run guns

All the drug runners were captured
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 08, 2020, 02:55:00 AM
But they were just kids

They are found innocent
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on March 08, 2020, 02:56:37 AM
Until the police realised they lied about their age

Great news, they were all reformed
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 08, 2020, 02:59:09 AM
The police are corrupt

They were kids after all
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on March 08, 2020, 03:00:12 AM
Now they are adults and still crooks

One day, the world will be free of crime
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 08, 2020, 03:01:54 AM
And boring

Until we slow down and let everyone catch up
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on March 08, 2020, 03:02:59 AM
But they all fell in a black hole and were never seen again

One day, a fairy waved her magic wand
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 08, 2020, 03:04:51 AM
I stole the wand

And then I became god
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on March 08, 2020, 05:14:17 AM
But the devil got in your head

I love the way my roses bloom
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 08, 2020, 12:07:34 PM
But the thorns!



Lilacs are also beautiful and smell wonderful and they don't attack.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on March 08, 2020, 07:43:01 PM
Alas I have an allergy

I'm going to the flower show
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 09, 2020, 04:06:04 AM
They are all dried

But they are art
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on March 09, 2020, 10:17:23 AM
Till someone smudged the paint

The art director covered them in plastic
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 09, 2020, 11:12:41 AM
The plastic melted all over the place and made a huge mess.



Modern art gets a reboot.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on March 10, 2020, 02:35:26 AM
Till the system went down

In walked the tech expert
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 10, 2020, 11:12:43 AM
He/she/it demanded safer passwords with 8 characters each and capital letters and symbols and demanded 427 of them each different and you cannot write them down. Only when this is achieved will the technology work properly.




You dispatch the tech expert, get your book of passwords out, look up the pass code for the particular website, see it doesn't work anymore, send off a request to reset your password, get the request, hit the link, get in, change your password to what is written in your book, get told you can't use the same password twice, make up something new, correct your book, and now you get to access a webpage that never really needed a password anyway. Life is good.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on March 10, 2020, 11:34:40 PM
Till someone nicked that book

But the boss took you out to lunch
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 11, 2020, 02:32:04 PM
To kill you.

But you kill him first.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 11, 2020, 07:17:46 PM
Murder is always wrong.



Forgiveness is possible.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on March 11, 2020, 09:48:13 PM
Until he steals your dog

But he escaped and made his way home
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 12, 2020, 12:04:58 PM
Since pronouns can be tricky, the thing that returned home is the nasty guy. The dog remains missing.




The dog, out in the wild, finds other dogs in the wild and they form their own little happy pack, learning to ride the subways to go into town to search for food, spending time playing together without interruption.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 13, 2020, 03:16:58 AM
The dogs took over everything.

But it was so cute.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on March 13, 2020, 05:35:47 AM
Till it pooped on the neighbours lawn

After cleaning it up, the puppy played catch
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 13, 2020, 08:17:57 AM
...with the puppy's little brother, the runt of the litter.



Little brother was never dropped.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on March 13, 2020, 09:35:28 AM
Except on its head

So they got a new puppy
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 13, 2020, 11:06:57 AM
Then they put it in a crate, left the house for ten hours, and came home to a distraught and unhappy puppy.



They finally realized that pets are needful creatures and maybe a stuffed animal would suit them better. They got a unicorn!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 14, 2020, 03:24:42 AM
But it died.

More puppies came.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on March 14, 2020, 10:02:12 AM
Nope, they didn't

It was time to party
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 14, 2020, 11:34:21 AM
Everyone went to Australia to party together and were confronted with all the ways Australia can kill you. There were crocs, spiders the size of plates, dingos, various other beasts, and of course fires and killer heat.



Because we were together, we found safety in numbers and sent Gyppo after any of the scary beasts. We had a wonderful time and learned to say "G'day, mate" properly.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 15, 2020, 01:37:08 AM
Only to annoy the natives.

We become voice actors.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Firefly on March 15, 2020, 06:17:37 AM
Till we were stricken with laryngitis

But singing lessons were fun
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 15, 2020, 12:14:20 PM
Right up until they got to the yodeling. That hurt everyone's ears.



So they left and went out and bought some books AND READ THEM.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 16, 2020, 02:05:53 AM
But it's Twilight and Fifty Shades

You show them better books.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 16, 2020, 12:59:57 PM
They now come to your house and ransack your personal library, running off with your wonderful and well loved books.



You get to go to the book store and restock your shelves with all brand new and as yet unread books.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 17, 2020, 06:52:09 AM
But the Shady individuals demanded your books are locked up and they hold the keys.



Linda saves the world with some strange, Australian concoction made from a unispider (unicorn spider) that causes Shady people to become drowsy so we were all able to help Patti retrieve her books.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 17, 2020, 01:15:45 PM
And now I can't decide which one to read first.



I make a list and have my books arranged in the order in which I wish to read them. I am willing to share the rest with responsible adults who will promise to return them when they have finished them.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 17, 2020, 08:14:13 PM
One of your books is returned with a torn dustcover and greasy fingerprints on the cover.


The person who returned your book in terrible shape gave you a $300 gift card for Barnes and Noble.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 17, 2020, 11:12:16 PM
The store is closed.



Tucking the gift card aside for later us, reading continues to pacify, edify, and entertain.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 18, 2020, 12:17:48 AM
Gift card is worth $1.

But there is still music online.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 18, 2020, 12:23:41 PM
You have to watch a video lasting longer than the next song in order to hear the next song.



Silence is golden.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 19, 2020, 01:24:16 AM
But boring.

You make new music.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 19, 2020, 06:09:32 AM
But all of the speakers n the world are broken so no one besides the locals hears your new music.




You invent a vaccine for the Coronavirus.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 19, 2020, 01:46:04 PM
But most of the world is already infected and so it is too little; too late yet again.



The survivors are now better able to withstand the next onslaught of the disease and live out their normal lives and repopulate the world.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 19, 2020, 09:38:57 PM
But now they are all armed to the teeth and angry and have started shooting at each other more often without provocation.






Someone fills all of the explosives with bubble mixture so now guns and missiles only shoot bubbles.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 19, 2020, 11:09:34 PM
Everyone gets soap in their eyes, further increasing the amount of wailing and whatnot.





Goggle sales are up.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 20, 2020, 12:13:51 AM
But all of the delivery vans are grounded due to the high rate of Coronavirus is affecting delivery personnel so no one gets deliveries


Burglaries come to a standstill.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 20, 2020, 03:40:15 AM
Then the murders came.

But we stopped them.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 20, 2020, 06:51:33 AM
... with contagious Coronavirus.



Once again Patti invented a cure.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 20, 2020, 01:32:59 PM
But being an idiot, I make the cure free for all and end up just as poverty stricken as ever.


The best things in life are free.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 20, 2020, 11:10:35 PM
... and they are going to start taxing us on it.


I wake in the morning to find I've lost 20lbs.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 20, 2020, 11:36:54 PM
But it was just a pile of crap left in your bed and now you have a real mess on your hands. And everywhere else.




You have a washing machine.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 20, 2020, 11:46:50 PM
But I'm out of detergent and it's going to take two weeks to deliver more.



I have dish soap.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 21, 2020, 02:32:04 AM
But it's not much

You have toilet paper
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 21, 2020, 05:07:38 AM
You dropped your one and only bundle of toilet paper and it rolled into the gutter while it was raining.

You have nice car seat covers.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on March 21, 2020, 07:18:35 AM
Other than the brown stripe down the middle of the seat.

Each day you drive in a slightly different seating position until your car seat covers look like tiger skin.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 21, 2020, 01:54:29 PM
You are arrested for poaching.



They have lots of toilet paper in jail.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 22, 2020, 02:54:21 AM
But you left it in the cell you just vacated and have just realized that as you finished a big, creamy dump in your new cell, in which, as far as you can tell, there is no toilet paper to be had.



You still have a sock.


Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on March 22, 2020, 07:54:10 AM
But only one. You rolled it up and used it as a but plug. It seemed like a good idea at the time but now your breath smells and something unpleasant is seeping from your ears. The other prisoners have started calling you shit head.

None of the other prisoners want to shag you.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 22, 2020, 01:23:57 PM
But the guards have become very interested.



You are let out of jail because you have that special orange card from the Monopoly game tucked in your pocket. Luckily it was not hidden in your sock.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on March 22, 2020, 02:27:12 PM
You look over your right shoulder down The Strand. What looks like a giant top hat is heading towards you from that direction. It looks unhappy so it is probably on its way to jail. You wonder what it did wrong. Took one chance too many perhaps.

You step off the 'just visiting' platform and are almost knocked over by a ship merrily sailing along Pentonville Road. You see a hotel on Euston Road and head for it. Shit! There are no doors or windows and now you've been spotted by a dog that's bigger than a house. You decide to make a run for it then realise you are an iron. You shake your head. If only you hadn't eaten those mushrooms none of this would have happened.

Things look desperate but then, suddenly, and let's be honest both unexpectedly and unwarranted, you win second prize in a beauty contest.



Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 22, 2020, 03:07:21 PM
It's not good enough.

But you take over the world.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 22, 2020, 10:55:35 PM
But since you are an iron, all you can do is the laundry. And who the hell bought all this damn cotton? Who dried it until it was one balled up mass of wrinkles? What sort of life is this?

A couple dice, the size of bungalows, tumble down the street. You peer down the lane, squinting to see what turns up.


Boxcars. And you are on your way again, laundry left behind until someone figures out Permanent Press.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 23, 2020, 05:57:54 AM
They are all whiny.

But they give you wine.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 23, 2020, 08:36:50 AM
However, it is in a great, big box, it's cheap chablis, and you wake up the next afternoon with a hangover to end all hangovers, whatever the Hell that means because it's so bad you cannot even imagine.



There is a special cocktail - the end all, be all to pain, suffering, and death.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 23, 2020, 12:20:59 PM
You don't have either the recipe or the ingredients.



Eventually, the hangover fades and you are back to your regular lovely life.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 24, 2020, 03:32:45 AM
Only you are in the middle of a pandemic.

It's Netflix time.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 24, 2020, 02:41:39 PM
The internet goes down




You get to go to the kitchen and cook something delicious. Like chocolate chips cookies.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 24, 2020, 06:07:00 PM
But, out of sheer boredom, you decide to use cannabis butter in your cookies to "Try it out" but you become so incredibly high, you can't even read, much less make coherent sentences. So you spend the next three hours watching stoner movies in hopes you can actually comprehend the stupidity that makes stoners laugh so much when they are high.



You discover the cannabis high has made you more self-reflective and you better yourself.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on March 24, 2020, 10:40:41 PM
But you were stoned and it was a typo. In fact, you'd buttered yourself and now you have a slippery bum.

Ho Hum. Waste not, want not.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 24, 2020, 11:21:42 PM
 :P

But, the cannabis butt butter was wasted and now my ass is high. What good is a high ass if you aren't wearing yoga pants?
 

Cannabis will save the world from the coronavirus - just ask the weed distributors.


 
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 25, 2020, 01:43:36 AM
But it's too high.

Time to grow your own!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on March 25, 2020, 07:07:46 AM
You do just that, but then everyone says that your moustache looks silly.

You shave it off.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 25, 2020, 07:16:20 AM
But then you can no longer, "Tickle her fancy."


She finds other ways too please herself.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on March 25, 2020, 07:54:34 AM
Now there's a severe shortage of butternut squash.

There are still plenty of pumpkins.

Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 25, 2020, 02:11:49 PM
The pumpkins look a little sad without faces carved into them.



So you get a stash of zucchini
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 26, 2020, 12:52:04 AM
The zucchini is soaked with pesticides and herbicides and too toxic to consume or use in any way.



You decide to grow your own zucchini on your own healthy, organic farm.


Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 26, 2020, 03:10:17 AM
But the bunnies ate them.

They grow more for you.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 26, 2020, 02:59:21 PM
But all the bunnies grow is carrots and lettuce. You are now sick of carrots and lettuce.



You find a cherry orchard with cherries abundantly available.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 27, 2020, 02:54:38 AM
They are all rotting.

But you have wine now.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 27, 2020, 07:33:46 PM
But cherry wine is too sweet and you start gaining weight.



You inherit a grape orchard and winery from your rich uncle in Sonoma, California.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on March 27, 2020, 09:10:47 PM
You decide to convert the grape orchard into a vineyard. You write out a project plan. It has one item on it.

Item 1. Get some new signs.

And that's when it all goes tits up. All the signwriters are self-isolating (AKA hiding in the wardrobe masturbating) and with no new signs, you are stuck with a grape orchard. You spiral down into despondency.

Then one day, while flicking through an old copy of Penthouse you see a woman dressed like a rabbit  (she has the ears and everything) holding a grapefruit. Ha, you think, things are looking up!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 28, 2020, 02:19:39 AM
But it's a snuff film.

You are able to catch the criminal with the police.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 29, 2020, 06:14:32 AM
But you can only detain said criminals with the use of grape trees, of which there are none.



Wildflowers are blooming everywhere and this makes you happy.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on March 29, 2020, 12:55:41 PM
Until people start using them to wipe their bottoms. You stamp your foot and admonish them. But they tell you there's still no toilet paper in the shops and wildflowers are better than thistles.

When you stamped your foot you crushed a cockroach that was a distant relation of Trumpity Trump. Also, lots of people have bottoms that smell of wildflowers. These are good things are they not?
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 29, 2020, 01:06:22 PM
Times are so sad you are going around sniffing strangers' bottoms. Dear God, we have become like dogs not just staring out the windows and getting exciting for any excuse to open the doors.




We eventually learn to both "sit" and "stay".
What smart humans.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on March 29, 2020, 08:44:01 PM
We soon realise that it is not party tricks that make dogs happy, but an innate playfulness. We sit and stay and ponder this, aware that pondering is not the answer; in fact, it could not be further from the answer if it were the question.

Then I find a stick!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 29, 2020, 09:35:21 PM
You throw your stick, which is an excellent fetching stick, hoping to play fetch with your dog but my dog grabs the stick instead and runs away with it hoping you will chase him but you don't feel like playing, Chase the Dog and Get the Stick. You want to play fetch.



While standing outside you notice you have ripe, juicy tomatoes on your tomato vines in your tomato vineyard.  ;D
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on March 29, 2020, 10:42:15 PM
You pat your pockets in search of a salt grinder but before you find one you are elbowed out of the way as a naked Patti comes charging past shouting: stick! stick! She's seconds too late and a dachshund has the stick and is looking very pleased with itself. Patti dives onto all fours and grabs one end of the stick between her teeth and initiates a game of tug with the dachshund. This is not so bad for a bad thing you think. But, oh no, when Patti elbowed you she broke a rib and now the pain is starting to kick in.

You roll onto our side to ease the pain and feel something digging into your good side. You reach into you anorak pocket and pull out a ... salt grinder. You smile and puck a tomato from the vine. 
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 30, 2020, 03:55:18 AM
But the grinder is broken

The got a new one.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 30, 2020, 02:21:06 PM
Who cares about the damn tomatoes. I have a stick. I won. I got the stick. Wait. Doxy grabbed by stick and ran very fast in the direction of an open field. Then she scurried thru that and into a the woods. My stick is gone. My beautiful stick is gone. I sob.



As I flop down on the ground in total disarray and complete misery, I spy another stick! I have a new stick.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on March 30, 2020, 02:55:31 PM
And now you have goo all over your chops because the stick was very ... sticky.

You look around. Where is that applause coming from?
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 30, 2020, 03:35:30 PM
Over to the northwest (because in this instance I know directions) there is a crowd of spectators. They are looking away from my direction and applauding something. I'm alone with my sticky stick and can't tell what the big hoopla is going on over there.



I clean up the sticky mess. I'm a nurse and know how to do that stuff. Get dressed because I didn't forget you had me naked. And mosey on over towards the group (apparently we are past the social isolation times) to see what fun things are happening over there.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on March 30, 2020, 04:49:17 PM
The applauding group are all naked. When they see you approaching in your clothes they stop clapping and point at you and shout: Prevert! Pervert! It's all very confusing. Then the ring leader spots your stick.

"The pervert's got a stick," he shouts and charges towards you.

You consider your options. 1) Throw away the stick. 2) Quickly undress so you fit in with the clappers. 3) ...

We never get to know what 3 is because he is on you, like a rabid baboon who'd been recently shaved. He grabs your upsidedown nursey watch and tugs it. If only you had a weapon. Something like a pointed stick. Hang on a minute; you do have a stick! You draw the stick back ready to stab the naked clapper in the eye, but a sneaky clapper (who'd snuck up behind you) grabs the weapon from your clenched fist.

You just have time to think what a really bad thing this bad thing is when a hirsute man in combats, riding a goat and carrying a lance arrives. Hurrah it's Don Gyypsotey.

He charges and scatters the clappers who run off like the clappers.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on March 31, 2020, 05:02:32 AM
The clappers broke.

But you get money for it.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 31, 2020, 03:52:49 PM
Don Gypsotey and his goat ride off into the sunset, tilting every now and again, leaving Patti all alone with her broken stick and fully clothed. She is bereft and alone as she wanders thru the now empty field.


She comes upon a path leading thru the woods and follows it. It goes on for several miles but she is strong and healthy for an old fart and continues on, humming to herself and sometimes talking either to herself or to Bones, whomever Bones may be. She reaches a second clearing and there, in the center of this clearing is a helicopter. It is fully fueled and the keys are in the ignition, as it were. What a glorious sight.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on March 31, 2020, 10:10:13 PM
You turn the key. Nothing happens. You look up and see a few switches above your head. You put them all on. You turn the key. Nothing happens. You look around. On top of the stick thingy there is a flip-top cover. You flip it up and underneath there is a button. It looks like the kind of button that might fire the machine guns. You press it.

There's an absolutely horrendous racket a bit like a tractor masturbating but you notice that the rotor blades are turning. That's a good thing surely?


Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 01, 2020, 04:11:12 AM
Until it cuts your head off.

You are immortal.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on April 01, 2020, 02:42:14 PM
And here is Patti with a whirling monster machine and no pilot in sight. But she is stuck in the middle of nowhere and fearless if dumber than a rock. As a result of this hubris and/or stupidity, Patti moves the sticky thing (this could be just that she likes sticks) and the helicopter starts to move. This frightens the dimwit and she jerks the joystick (ah, maybe that's the reason she likes sticks) again and the machine slams back into the ground.


Patti remains unhurt but unsure how to assess the state of the helicopter. She pokes the button again and waits for the blades to get quiet. She isn't quite that stupid. She exits the helicopter and sighs. Maybe she could find another stick.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on April 01, 2020, 03:07:25 PM
She realises the blades are still turning. Oh how foolish it now seems to assume the button you press to start the helicopter is also used to stop it. Of course, it won't be, why would it? This is aviation. If you could start a thing by turning a key, or stop a thing by pressing the same button you pressed to start it, flying would be easy.

Swoosh. Shoosh. Shoosh.

Patti jumps back in and sits in the pilot's seat. She googles 'how to fly a helicopter' and finds a blog with some helpful tips. It first states that controlling a helicopter is like rubbing your tummy with one hand, tapping the top of your head with the other (I can do that Patti thinks) while your left foot taps out the rhythm of an Argentine Tango and your right foot crochets a woollen blanket.

She takes off her right shoe and looks around for a crochet hook. She can't find one. What she does find is a metal bar sticking out just behind and above her. It has a T shaped end as if it were designed to be pulled. Maybe it's the handbrake. Patti pulls it. The rotors start turning faster. Much faster. A green light illuminates on the panel. Patti puts on her glasses so she can read the label underneath the green light. It says: Clutch Engaged.

Then she finds the proper handbrake. It's just like the one in a car. Down by her side, fixed at the back and with a rubber handle on the end. Just to be safe she pulls the handbrake up.

The helicopter rises into the air. That's definitely a good thing. Though how long the good thing will last remains to be seen.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 02, 2020, 12:28:18 AM
But it explodes in the air.

But it looks so pretty.

(Since when are we writing novels with this thread?)
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on April 02, 2020, 07:55:24 AM
As she flies through the air amidst the burning wreckage, Patti regrets taking off her right shoe and sock. Her big toe (which she thinks of as her hallux because she's a know it all medical type) is hotter than a marshmallow on a skewer. In fact, it is beginning to look like a marshmallow on a skewer. She ignores her hot hallux and turns her attention to more urgent matters - finding the ejector seat button. She assumes the helicopter will have an ejector seat button. She still has her glasses on and peers at the panel down her nose. It's no good. The cabin is filling with smoke.

Most people would panic at this stage, but not Patti. She knows that the narrative god will write her way out of this pickle.

And on cue, the flaming helicopter wreckage tumbles down into the village duck pond and is extinguished. Patti clambers out of the cockpit and stands waist-deep in the muddy pond. A mallard flies over and lands on her head. Is this a good thing? Patti is not sure but it certainly seems a better thing - better than the alternative of dying in an exploding flying machine. Better will just have to do then.

Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on April 02, 2020, 08:45:39 AM
However, the mallard is one of those fake birds conspiracy (https://www.audubon.org/news/are-birds-actually-government-issued-drones-so-says-new-conspiracy-theory-making) theorists are talking about and has just been re-fitted with a super-duper-trooper engine and it picks Patti up by her ponytail and flies her precariously over an alligator-infested moat.



Luckily, Patti is a super-duper-trooper human with super-duper-trooper superhero strength and a fake ponytail so she twists out of the mallard's clutches and lands safely in a castle garden filled keto ice-cream.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on April 02, 2020, 12:40:17 PM
Eating her way to safety has made Patti's head feel like it will explode. All that fake sugar is hard on the brain. As she stumbles forward she finds herself losing consciousness.


As she falls to the ground in a heap, on a pile of soft moss, her last thought before passing out is, "I"m never getting in another helicopter." She falls safely to sleep and rests comfortably. At least for a time.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on April 02, 2020, 04:06:33 PM
She's awoken by a sharp pain in her thigh. As she ascends into full consciousness the pain only gets worse. And there's a thumping sound. And shouting. She shakes her head and risks opening her eyes. Noiz is standing above her repeatedly kicking her on the legs and shouting. Patti strains her ears, but it's on good, nothing Noiz says makes any sense.

Then the bellowing Noiz starts to fade and Pattie realises it was just a dream and the pain in her leg is cramp. So, she strained her ears for nothing. She throws the colluder on the ground with disgust.

Then Deb arrives with some joints. This might be a good thing, Patti thinks and checks her purse for a box of matches.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on April 02, 2020, 11:37:38 PM
Alas, she has none.


Deb however, came better prepared and has not only some joints (a couple knees and a hip or two) but some matches. Life is good.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 03, 2020, 12:53:37 AM
Until Mark tries to write a novel response.

But we cut him off with a word limit to stop the confusion.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on April 03, 2020, 07:16:36 AM
Only, most of us do not see this as a good thing because we like Mark's writing, and it is, after all, a writer's website until a bunch of wayward aliens try to abduct Bob. Now pens are the only weapons we writers have to fight said, wayward aliens.




In an effort to save Bob the Alien, Mark joins in with NaPoWriMo.





Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on April 03, 2020, 07:51:22 AM
When Bob hears the poets have ganged up to try and save him, he rolls on the floor and laughs. "What can those bunch of pen pushers do?" he says snorting with derision.

"You really are the worst sort of ingrate," Mark tells him. "Who did you think would come to save your slimy arse, Batman?"

Bob keeps rolling about on the floor getting slime everywhere (which is a bad thing.) He points a tentacle at Mark. "Batman? Piss off, he's a weirdo. I'd like Dana Scully to come and save me."

Mark and Bob turn as they hear the clip clip of a goat approaching from the east. Hurrah, it's Don Gyppsotey, fresh from saving fair maids from the clappers. He points his lance at the wayward aliens who are still hanging about hoping to abduct Bob and they all skedaddle, pronto.

"Wow, look at those wayward aliens flee!" Bob says. That's a good thing.

"Mornin'" Don Gyppsotey says. "How are we doin' today, lads?"

Bob ignores the question and turns to Mark. "I find it somewhat unsettling that he looks like a fierce warrior and yet sounds like an accountant," he says.
 
Gyppsotey hops off his goat and pats her flank. "Good girl, Dana," he says.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on April 03, 2020, 01:35:11 PM
Both Bob and Mark are crestfallen, although Bob really does not have a crest. This was not the Dana they were hoping for. None of Bob's tentacles are even slightly perky and Mark is a deflated mess.

Don Gyppsotey uses his best accountant voice, "Are you two idiots okay?"

Neither idiot responds.

Don Gyppsotey uses his best warrior voice, "Are you two idiots okay?"

Both idiots not vigorously.

Don Gyppsotey turns to Dana, "Let's move on, m'dear."

Don Gyppsotey and Dana exit without harming any idiots on the way out.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on April 03, 2020, 03:38:37 PM
"That woman with the broken stick called you an idiot," Bob said. "And that's not a good thing, being an idiot."

Mark shrugged. "I think you'll find she inferred I was an idiot. It was the goat rider who called me an idiot."

As Don Gyppsotey trundled off, Bob hopped up from the ground onto his foot, extended a tentacle and delicately placed a large globule of slime on the back of the knight' combat jacket: right between his shoulders. The globule held its shape for a moment then it's outer skin gave way and it dribbled downwards leaving a slimy, lime-green streak.

Bob tittered through his blow-hole.

"That's no way to treat a knight who has just shaved you," Mark said.

"Your dyslexia is getting worse," Bob said.

"True," Mark said. "On the plus side, there's no plague in this reality."

Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on April 03, 2020, 06:22:31 PM
Yet.
But with all this travel and closeness, one can never be certain. Regardless, we shall carry on as if there is not even a chance of plague descending on the unwashed masses.

Patti takes her broken stick and exits stage right. Having seen how Bob treats exiting characters, she backs out, keeping the stick pointed as if it were a spear. And as if she could throw it. And as if she could hit a target. All quite iffy.

As she nears the edge of the wood, she ducks behind a tree, faces forward, and then begins to scamper away which is quite amazing since scampering is usually reserved for those who are much younger. As she traipses and scampers and frolics through the beautiful woods, she finds a new and unbroken stick. This is truly her lucky day.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 05, 2020, 04:23:38 AM
But then she died.

And we went back to short posts not so not confuse anybody.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on April 05, 2020, 08:33:13 AM
And we went back to short posts not so not confuse anybody.

Raindrops on roses
And whiskers on nipples
Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens
Porn mags in packages tied up with string
These are just five of my favourite things ...


Bob sang doing one helluva good impersonation of Julie Andrews. This may have seemed like a good thing but it was not. Once Bob started singing he tended to go through his entire repertoire of show tunes and when he got to Singing in the Rain and started bobbing up and down on and off an imaginary sidewalk there'd be tentacles and slime everywhere.

Mark braced himself for the onslaught but suddenly Bob stopped singing and looked at him expectantly.

"And?" Mark said.

Bob waggled his tentacles in Mark's direction. "Go on," he said.

"Go on and what?"

Bob's tentacles waggled faster. "Go on and tell us what your favourite thing is. We know it's not whiskers on nipples, you made that quite clear to your second wife," Bob said.

"You know very well my favourite thing is irony," Mark said.

"Bingo!" Bob shouted, pointing at Mark with a tentacle while shooting three other tentacles vertically upwards. "Give that man a mint."

"Ah I see what you are getting at," Mark said. "The confusing statement about confusion."

"Indeedamundo," Bob said. "Shall I carry on singing."

Mark wondered how long this bad thing would carry on for. It already seemed too long for some people's tastes. Then it started raining. Bob was unable to sing in the rain because he sucked in vast amounts of water through his blowhole when he reached for the high notes. So he could sing Singing in the Rain but could not, ironically, sing Singing in the Rain while it was raining. And that was a good thing.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on April 05, 2020, 08:50:20 AM
I bought Bob an umbrella so he can serenade Noiz in the rain.




Noiz likes listening to Bob sing especially when Patti and Mark join in the chorus. As an added bonus, a ragtop Mustang rolls up with a bunch of frogs singing and dancing to the Michigan Rag (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIIomB3b_dw&ab_channel=TruthSeeker). They brought enough extra top hats and canes for everyone to join in the fun.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on April 05, 2020, 02:09:13 PM
And the ensemble began to sing Singing in the Rain under their individual umbrellas but they they started dancing to Singing in the Rain and when they twirled all those umbrellas around, Bob got poked with a spoke. This made Bob particularly unhappy and he stopped singing and stopped dancing and the background music faded.

Mark and Patti turned to see what this unhappy Bob blob was going to do. With all those tentacles waving about and a blowhole steaming forth, the possibilities seemed both endless and frightening. Well, to Patti they were frightening, but Mark was much braver and just cowered behind Patti, using her as a shield.

Bob exploded (figuratively, not literally as that would have been very, very messy), "Could you PLEASE be a bit more careful!" He tried to glare but Bob is not particularly good at that because his tentacles seems to quiver a bit and give him a shimmering glow that is rather pleasant to view, making the glare far less intimidating. "That HURT!" poor Bob whimpered.

Mark, finally realizing he was safe, stepped out from behind Patti's protection and shrugged as he pointed and offered up, "She did it."

Patti, who is very good at glaring, passed a few glares around making sure both Bob and Mark got one. "Y'all were out of step. It's one, two, THREE, four. Left, left, right, left. How hard is that?"

"Now, get your umbrellas ready, MUSIC! And from the top."

They managed to dance beautifully.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on April 05, 2020, 02:28:01 PM
As Bob and Mark did a do-si-do Bob whispered: "I'm a monopede how am I supposed to do the left-right-left thing?"

"Just put you single foot down on both the left and the right steps," Mark said with a wink.

"That just might work," Bob said hopping away with a big grin on his face.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 05, 2020, 10:57:25 PM
But it didn't.

A new plan came along.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on April 06, 2020, 12:40:35 AM
Patti got out her sewing machine and made everyone costumes for the next song and dance number. But she had no idea how to make something for Bob's tentacles and she just sat there and cried and cried, sobbed and sobbed, sniveled and sniveled.

Then she decided to just have everyone naked. Mark delightedly took off his clothes and Patti just sat there and cried and cried, sobbed and sobbed, sniveled and sniveled. That was not going to work either.

So she just figured everyone could dress themselves and she smiled and went to the stack of records to pick out the next song.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on April 06, 2020, 07:50:58 AM
It was Engelbert Humperdinck singing Please Release Me.

Everyone cried and cried, sobbed and sobbed, sniveled and sniveled. Mark held his palms over his ears. "Make it stop!" he shouted.

"Try playing it backwards, see if there's a message from the antichrist," Bob suggested.

Patti turned the handle on the gramophone in the opposite direction. Humperdinck stopped bleating on about whatever and a quiet voice was heard almost, but not quite, drowned out by a crackling sound.

"Is that the devil?" Bob asked.

"Shush, I trying to listen," Patti said.

They all listed. "Help. Please help me." Crackle. Crackle. Cackle. "One of my most evil demons has escaped. He hit me over the head with a shovel and ran off. He left a note saying he was going to take over the word, starting with Amerca. He must be stopped. He's very naughty."

"Shit!" Mark said. "I think he's talking about Trump."

"Never mind that," Bob said. "I've found a Miles Davis record." He handed it to Pattie who wiped the slime off it with her petticoat.

Soon the air was filled with the sublime sound of Davis's trumpet.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on April 06, 2020, 08:32:07 AM
But Patti's petticoat stuck to the turntable and upturned Bob's vinyl record collection and almost upturned Bob's alien turntable which was one of a kind. Bob was distraught because where else was he going to find another alien turntable?  He had to find a way to stop the spinning Patti and get her off of his alien turntable. He thought he had an idea.


He didn't.



Suddenly, everyone heard Mark yell, "I have an idea and a hot cup of water!"
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on April 06, 2020, 03:52:39 PM
There was confusion and sobbing and rending of clothing as Bob and Mark tried to remember the recipe for hot water.

"Why is this culinary extravaganza so important?" wailed Bob.

"We need to get her fat ass off your turntable before it breaks, you idiot," Mark soothingly replied.

"Who are you calling an idiot?" queried Bob in a high dudgeon.

"You, idiot," responded Mark with complacency.

This did nothing to help procure a cup of hot water. Patti continued to spin, getting dizzier and dizzier.

Finally, the two men, in their own good time, needing to be nagged a bit more, produced a hot cup of water.

They set the cup way over there, got out the cone filter, used some really good Ethiopian coffee beans freshly ground, and made a cup of pour over coffee.

The smell was heavenly and Patti instinctively extricated herself in order to get to the wonderful, wonderful bean juice.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 07, 2020, 05:17:21 AM
But Patti blew up and died. Her remains burned away.

And the posts got shorter again. Less confusing too. *HintHint*
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on April 07, 2020, 03:08:04 PM
There was a funeral for poor old Patti. Mark and Bob attended in mourning dress. Deb also attended, but she came in morning dress. Her negligee was lovely but a bit out of place for a funeral. It was, it should be noted, black. With some lovely cream lace trim. Beautiful really. And the mules she wore with it, helped the fabric sway as she walked. But it was totally inappropriate for a funeral.

The music began and as soon as Amazing Grace started to be played on the bagpipes, Mark and Bob looked fondly if not lovingly, at each other. In unison, they opened their umbrellas and began to dance. Bob, being a monoped, had a bit of difficulty with the left, left, right, left movement, but Mark was oddly patient with him.

The grief expressed by the mourners was touching. There were some brief words said by Bones, who left the bar for this sad occasion. He had brought coffee with him, and he gently laid the beverage on the ground. He reverently bowed, and refrained from dancing, because he tends to make a lot of noise in that activity. Inside his skull, he thought about "Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones" but managed to not sputter with a snort or laugh. This was a solemn occasion, of course.

Gyppo and Dana were also present. Gyppo giving a lovely eulogy and Dana carefully not peeing on the grave.

But as all watched, smoke started to rise. Then a fire bloomed from the center. And like a phoenix, Patti rose from the dead, refreshed and alive and well.

"Hey y'all," (even tho she has recently been chastised for using "y'all" as she is not a true Southern Belle), "what's going on?" she quizzically queried.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Noizchild on April 09, 2020, 02:24:36 AM
But she died and broke into ashes again.

No one is doing long-ass, confusing posts anymore.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on November 01, 2020, 09:33:55 AM
Then people became bored with one-liners and gave up on the thread altogether.


While looking for, the "Make it Up as You Go Along" thread, I found this.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on November 01, 2020, 02:06:21 PM
It transpires that the missing thread was stolen by the Russians and we are never getting it back.

And yet, there's nothing to stop us creating a new one the serves exactly the same purpose as the old one. 
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on November 01, 2020, 03:16:21 PM
Inertia truly exists and the effort seems beyond human endeavors.



We have lots of thread to play with anyway.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on January 03, 2021, 08:48:46 AM
I fear a best-seller got away.



We'll collectively write a new one.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 03, 2021, 06:04:41 PM
But first we must sharpen our pencils and the sharpener seems to have gone missing.



Gyppo is very handy with a knife and can help us out here.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 03, 2021, 06:53:16 PM
But he has a flamboyant side (the left if you are interested) so won't lend us his knives unless we dress as warriors and juggle with them. I'm clumsy so that's bound to end in tears.

Tears can be used to make a cocktail. Three parts gin, a squeeze of lemon and a few tears. It's called A Spinster's Regret. and I have olives.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 03, 2021, 10:01:50 PM
But they are green and stuffed with bleu cheese instead of pimentos



There is cheese and crackers to go with them, however.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on January 05, 2021, 04:52:36 AM
But someone has spilled wine all over the crackers and left them soggy and unable to be lifted.


The cheeses are still firm and edible.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 05, 2021, 10:04:47 AM
Unfortunately, at our age, the cheese is the only thing that's firm.  :-[

Good news. While we have been standing around not talking about tumescence, the crakers have dried out.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 05, 2021, 04:54:09 PM
But now the cheese is gone.



Wine flavored crackers are wonderful!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on January 07, 2021, 02:10:08 AM
But they can't be dipped in wine and still crack.



However, some of us crack up (laugh) a lot while under the influence of wine.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 07, 2021, 09:33:41 PM
Exuberant laughter will often lead to wet pants




Gentle laughter will often lead to convivial gatherings.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on January 08, 2021, 12:06:33 PM
Convivial gatherings have been outlawed.



Imbibing has not been outlawed, yet.


Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 08, 2021, 03:45:28 PM
Drunkenness will always demand its toll. There is no free liquid lunch.





Salads make a nice lunch. With a single glass of wine or a delicious cup of coffee. That might even be considered a picnic.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on January 09, 2021, 10:34:58 AM




Patti has turned the entire idea of a picnic into a capitalistic escapade.

Then I went to a, "Picnic with Patti" event and was pleasantly suprised at how delightful the food and company was.

Not really. I've always known Patti is a hoot!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 09, 2021, 10:29:46 PM
Since the picnic was so popular, it became a super spreader event.



Herd immunity!!!!!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 09, 2021, 10:58:39 PM
The herd may be immune but it has to live in a field and some of the women are kicking up a fuss about how cold the milking machine is.

We have invented some new types of cheese.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 10, 2021, 02:00:38 PM
They are delicious, but lead to some vile farting.




The crackers are fresh out of the oven and not wine soaked, so the picnic (coffee was included) is grand for the first half hour.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 16, 2021, 09:24:19 AM
When they ran out of coffee some of the addicts started a riot. A man dressed as a buffalo said running out of coffee was unconstitutional and they should do something about.

But without any caffeine in their systems, they didn't have any energy and the riot soon petered out. Eventually, the decided the best thing to do was have a nap.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 16, 2021, 02:38:13 PM
They, far too soon, woke from their naps.



But did so at different times and without their buddies to lend courage and testosterone, everyone finally just went home to wait for the police to come and arrest them for all their law breaking activities. The lawyers of the land were ecstatic. CLIENTS for all!!!
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Jo Bannister on January 17, 2021, 09:25:21 AM
But that meant the lawyers all had work to do.  Golf clubs up and down the land began to close.

(Isn't someone else suppose to find a silver lining in this?  Well - apart from the obvious, that there were fewer golf clubs.)
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 17, 2021, 02:48:45 PM
With fewer golf clubs open, people in funny clothes just stood in the front yards swinging sticks and cussing.



The neighborhood children got a boost in vocabulary.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 19, 2021, 01:15:59 PM
Not to be outdone by their stick-swinging neighbours non-golfers also took to the hobby like stoners to snacking. Soon dressing like a git and swinging a stick was the most popular pastime in the country and knocked masturbation off the top spot for the first time since the invention of the wrist support.

Why is that a bad thing you may wonder? Well with all the men git swinging (as it had become known) there was no one to take out the trash and soon there was trash all over the house.

The good news is that someone invented the Taking the Trash Out diet and women all over the land began carrying trash cans with one hand while measuring the circumstance of their thighs with the other.

Admittedly this is not phenomenally good news, but you must admit that getting the trash out of the house is quite good. Plus the men were left in peace to perfect their git swinging techniques. Soon even clumsy fools could git swing with aplomb.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 19, 2021, 03:08:44 PM

The good news is that someone invented the Taking the Trash Out diet and women all over the land began carrying trash cans with one hand while measuring the circumstance of their thighs with the other.

Women with body issues have now learned that they must not only worry about thigh gap, but that their thighs actually have circumstances that need to be dealt with. Crushed and despondent, and now ignored even more thoroughly by their git swinging husbands, they are sobbed en masse and ruining their mascara.


Oh, circumference. Is that better? Well probably as long as the thigh gap remains visible. The women console each other and find out that git swinging husbands are really quite useless and they are better off without them.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 19, 2021, 08:52:08 PM
Soon there's a dishwasher tablet shortage. Everyone knows that women can only ever fit 2 teaspoons and a small saucer into a six-place dishwasher, so with no git swingers to load the dishwasher for them the women have the dishwasher on 24x7 and tablet supply is quickly diminished.

In an attempt to get the men back in the house doing chores, the wifies offer them anything they desire. Deal done, and man caves erected, everyone is happy again.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 20, 2021, 03:23:30 PM
Except, of course, Loki. Loki is very unhappy. Loki like chaos and unhappiness. How is he to be happy if everyone else is?




But the gods of yesterday have been forgotten and we all live in harmony and peace without misogyny or rancor.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 20, 2021, 04:41:40 PM
Or we would, were it not for misandry.

But misandry is not really a thing; it's just something that some random bloke dreamt up to try and avoid doing any household chores. So peace and harmony edge back into the picture.

Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 23, 2021, 02:47:44 PM
And now the edge of the picture is crooked. Crooked pictures are annoying at the very least. Unless, like some art museums, you hang a work of art upside down and then the crooked thing is not the worst thing. You are likely to really piss off some artist this way, however.




None of the observers can tell when some art is hung upside down.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on January 25, 2021, 02:39:30 PM
Because we live in the style-over-substance-soundbite-gimmick-age the gallery with the upside-down picture installs a conveyor in the ceiling so visitors can be hung by the ankles and transported around the building like poultry in a slaughterhouse. This becomes a very popular attraction. Some big-breasted older women don't get to see much as there dangly bits droop down and cover the faces.

After some initial teething problems old women in skirts are banned. Yes, this is a good thing.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on January 25, 2021, 03:15:51 PM
Women wearing skirts or dresses are so slighted they begin their own association where they meet and it disintegrates into a man bashing session time and again.



Soon the kilt wearing men are also kicked out of the museums and the two groups learn to get along famously, as we say when we aren't saying they soon are forking like bunnies.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on February 23, 2021, 07:03:57 AM
This leads to a population surge, and that coupled with a climate crisis, is a conundrum for the world at large.


All countries decide to have a global contest to see who can produce the most energy per capita by using stationary bikes to produce power and on a grander scale,  move air currents. Some countries have added incentives to their populations to get people to eat less, spin more, and become healthier by offering cash to the most productive spinners. 


Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on February 23, 2021, 11:51:37 AM
With the vast majority of the world's population spinning on their stationary bikes, the Earth began to emit an annoying hum that infuriated the aliens living on Uranus. They (the aliens) had sworn not to interfere in the lives of the mostly harmless species they called Homo Drongo, but the humming really got on their tits (of which they had six per side - six front titties and six back titties) so action was required.

Thankfully the action the aliens decided on was to use earplugs. The humans continued to spin on in blissful ignorance.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on February 23, 2021, 01:31:44 PM
But no matter how much they spun, they did not generate enough electricity to power the world's cars.


So some genius noticed you could actually MOVE AROUND if they bikes were not stationary.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on February 23, 2021, 02:57:33 PM
If only they'd thought to add brakes when they made the stationary bikes un-stationary!

Thankfully most of the spinners were pie-eaters and had plenty of inbuilt cushioning.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on February 24, 2021, 09:24:35 AM
However, the world had become so prickly that even the cushiest creation was not safe from the pricks.


The pricks suddenly had a moment of enlightenment.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on February 26, 2021, 03:33:09 PM
All the cacti then decided to stop blooming because they were so sick and tired of being called pricks.




New life forms emerged from the niche now emptied.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on February 27, 2021, 11:14:31 AM
But the new life forms consumed too much water and died off almost as quickly as they came to life.

 Farmers stopped using harmful chemicals and the bees thrived. 



Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on February 27, 2021, 02:39:30 PM
And then Americans got even fatter as they ate more and more of the pollinated foods available.




They seemed to really like being morbidly obese and refused to listen to any shaming as they died at a younger and younger age due to their gluttony. This eliminated quite a large swath of the gene pool leaving healthy specimens to replicate.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 06, 2021, 11:57:29 PM
Unfortunately, most of those people were selfish asshats and continued ruining Earth.


Everyone's coping skills became sharper than ever.



Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on March 16, 2021, 12:11:28 PM
So sharp, in fact, that there were lots of injuries as people fell over and stabbed themselves on their own coping skills.

It didn't matter though because they were even able to cope with unexpected stab wounds.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 16, 2021, 04:28:24 PM
Stab wounds have a nasty habit of getting infected.



The process left only the strong and hardy around to procreate. Is this a good thing?
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on March 24, 2021, 12:05:08 PM
Unfortunately, Strong was a bit of thickie and never knew which hole to use, and Hardy posed a particular problem for him as she had an extra hole caused by a recent stabbing incident that had not been properly stitched.

In due course, they found a solution. It involved corks and luminous arrows.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 24, 2021, 01:52:42 PM
bioluminescence only lasts for a short time




the continued search was amusing
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on March 24, 2021, 06:49:17 PM
The raucous laughing and rolling in the isles caused Strong to detumesce with such rapidity that a loud slapping sound was heard for over 3 miles.

Hardy put the kettle on.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on March 26, 2021, 09:28:43 AM
Unfortunately, Laurel's teeth were too sensitive for hot beverages.



Laurel had an ice-box.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on March 26, 2021, 09:49:04 AM
It was empty.

Never mind, it would be a great place to store the teabags.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Spell Chick on March 26, 2021, 01:42:42 PM
Tea made with tea bags tastes of paper and is inferior to loose leaf tea in every way.





Coffee exists.
Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: DGSquared on April 04, 2021, 08:22:38 AM
But someone hid it all from Patti.


Patti started growing her own coffee and turned her brand into a world class, thriving business.


Title: Re: Bad Thing/Good Thing
Post by: Mark Hoffmann on April 04, 2021, 08:54:40 AM
Then she realised; it wasn't coffee beans she'd been growing but cannabis beans. No wonder all her customers were so mellow! And now the DEA were at the house.

Tentatively, Patti opened the door.

"Are you Patrica McNurseface?" the agent asked.

Patti's lover, Riccrado, who was hiding behind a large pile of crochet blankets, cocked his weapon.

"What was that!" the DEA agent shouted.

"Oh just my bad hip," Patti said. "It squeaks a bit after a twenty-mile run."

"Sorry to hear that," the DEA agent said reaching into his jacket. "I'll have a half-pound of your finest Columbian dark roast, please."