Author Topic: Bestie knows best.  (Read 116 times)

AJTrelawny

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Bestie knows best.
« on: December 29, 2018, 04:35:18 PM »
Today I offer some of my latest short story.

This is just the first couple hundred words. Do you get a good feel for these three characters? Becky doesn't get much of a mention in the rest of the story. Its mostly about what happens between Maddie and Taylor on that magical New Years eve.

Also, i have read this through in various sizes and fonts so please do point out if I've missed any words. It seems to be my biggest problem  ;D

The full story is currently with my sister in law, who loves naughty fiction and does all my beta reading for me.

This is the story of Maddie who is set up on a blind date by her best friend Becky:




Bestie knows best…


My decree absolute arrived three days before Christmas, best gift ever!

“Good riddance to bad rubbish,” I slurred, raising my glass of pink champagne.

Raising her own glass, filled with rum and cola, Becky nodded and added “Onward to new adventures!”

 It was Christmas eve, and we were celebrating my divorce in an amazing little bar we knew. We’d been coming here since we were about 15. 

“Why can’t I keep a man?” My voice cracking as I spoke, remembering all my past doomed relationships.

“Perhaps you’re not meant to…” Becky gave me one of her all-knowing grins. She’d been my friend since the first day of school, she was the sister I never had.
 
“But I don’t want to die alone and be eaten by my hundreds of cats!”

“You won’t! You just pick the wrong type of person.”

“Yeah, cheating bastards the lot of them.” I reflected on the fact that all my serious relationships seemed to end in infidelity. My marriage being the most recent example. I had married the love of my life only to be divorced a year later.
 
“I have a friend…” Becky interrupted my thoughts. “Divorced last year. Now looking to get back into dating. If you were interested, I could set you guys up on a blind date?”

“Why not,” I said, emboldened by the bottle of champagne I’d already consumed. “Set it up!”

        A week later I found myself sat in a café, a steaming cup of coffee and a slice of cake in front of me. Becky’s instructions were “go to Café Blu at six pm, sit by the window and wait for Taylor.” I watched the people coming and going, the young couple whose glasses steamed up as they shared a large hot chocolate, the old couple who shared a pot of tea and a cheese sandwich. It seemed everyone was loved up except me.
        The bell on the door jingled as it opened. In the doorway was a woman, wearing dungarees and a knitted sweater underneath a long, unbuttoned coat. She wasn’t tall, but she was taller than me. Her broad shoulders and wide hips told of a muscular physique underneath the baggy clothes.  Her shiny dark hair spilled out from under her bobble hat. Something stirred inside me and I felt a warmth between my legs. She reminded me of Clara, the lovely Clara who had graced my bed for six glorious weeks at Uni before returning to the States; never to be heard from again. I snapped out of my daydream and returned to the matter at hand, watching for Taylor.  The street outside was dark. There were only a few people around; shoppers, mainly, grabbing last minute bits for New Year’s Eve parties, no doubt. I was beginning to think I had been stood up.

 “Are you Maddie?” The voice cut into my thoughts, I turned and looked. “I’m Taylor, Becky sent me.” I stared at the person stood in front of me, my mouth ajar. “You look surprised,” she said.
 
“I am, I was, um,” I started to speak but couldn’t find the words.

“Expecting a man?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Are you disappointed?”

“Not really, I saw you walk in. You remind me of someone I used to know.”

“Can I join you? We can chat a bit and go from there.”

“Please do!” I gestured to the empty seat. I noticed she had a cup of coffee and a cake in her hands. Coffee and walnut, same as me.

“I’m sorry Becky set you up like this. If you don’t want to do this, please say. I won’t be offended.”

“No, it’s just Becky told me to come here and meet Taylor, she gave me no other information.” I sipped my coffee and surveyed my date. Close up I could see she had green eyes, set in a tanned, almond-shaped face. She had taken her hat off and her hair now fell in waves around her face. I squeezed my thighs together as the familiar warmth and dampness grew.  She raised her cup to her lips; the steam making them a shine. I imagined kissing them, their plumpness against mine; wanting to taste them. Feeling things I’d not felt in a long time. A sudden adventurous urge possessed me.
“Let’s get out of here.” I said, signalling to the passing waiter I would like two take away boxes for the cake. I gulped the rest of my coffee, unsure where this impulsivity had come from. “My place is five minutes away, if you like.”

She stood up, pulled on her hat and grinned at me, “Lets go.”
 
        I fumbled trying to get the key to work in my front door. “Damn it,” I’d been meaning to report this to the landlord for weeks and now it was showing me up. The lock clicked, and the door opened. Gesturing for Taylor to step inside, I followed; closing the door behind me. I looked up at her, she was about a foot taller than me, “Do you mind if I ki…”




dry-fly

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Re: Bestie knows best.
« Reply #1 on: December 31, 2018, 07:41:17 PM »
Sorry AJ, but I found this opening unappealing. The characters are simplistic and one-dimensional. The plot is virtually non-existent. Much in the way of all bodice rippers, sex is the crutch on which the entire story stands. The way the bisexual encounter is offered feels as if it's meant to make the story extra naughty -- as if bisexuality itself is meant to be more compelling.

I don't read much erotic fiction (largely for all the reasons mentioned above) but I believe your story would benefit from more character development and perhaps taking the time to outline the plot beforehand. Perhaps you should read some of your favorite erotic fiction and really try to identify what you like about it and what the author did to make you feel that way. Highlight your favorite parts and meditate on what made them compelling.

Hope this helps.
DF


hillwalker3000

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Re: Bestie knows best.
« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2019, 03:08:22 PM »
Hi AJ.

I tend to agree with dry-fly. There's nothing wrong with the way you write, per se. But your material is instantly forgettable. 'naughty fiction' makes it sound like you're writing for kindergartners. I assume you mean it's a little risqué. Unfortunately, the audience for this kind of material expects a lot more than a nudge-nudge wink-wink scenario where a straight woman goes on a blind date set up by her best friend and shock, horror - another woman turns up and they go off together into the sunset. It's hardly original - and no, I didn't get a feel for any of your characters because they're off-the-shelf stereotypes.

Maddie is the best friend whose shoulder Becky cries on.
Becky is a new divorcee who has a history of failed relationships.
Taylor is a lesbian who wears dungarees.
Really?

It's like one of a million rom coms we've all seen on TV. The fact that it takes your main character less than 72 hours to consider embarking on a new relationship makes her appear extremely shallow and unappealing. If you're trying to get the reader on her side, I don't think that's going to happen.

You don't take long to establish Becky's motives. Instead we cut to the café where she's waiting for her date to arrive and a muscular lady walks in. It's obvious to everyone what will happen next, otherwise why bother mentioning her? To make things even clearer, Becky feels a warmth between her legs. Are we meant to take this seriously? Probably not, but you couldn't signpost the so-called twist any less subtly if you tried. The awkward attempt to explain this sudden sexual attraction by bringing up Clara (who hasn't featured until now) is lazy plotting and shows little if any regard for your reader's intelligence. It's difficult to work out who you're writing this for.

Quote
A sudden adventurous urge possessed me.
This made me laugh out loud.
The entire set-up is a litle bit too direct to take seriously, which is fine if you're aiming for an easy read that doesn't require the reader to display much in the way of imagination. The rest of the story presumably revolves around their bedroom antics (which is hopefully where the thrills begin to justify the hype) and then they live happily ever after... or they don't. The problem is, why should we care?

I suggest you read as much as you can in this genre but keep an open mind. The problem is, there's an awful lot of rubbish out there masquerading as erotic fiction. I'd also suggest you give more thought as to why you've chosen to write this kind of material in the first place. Writing 'naughty fiction' because your sister-in-law likes reading it doesn't make a lot of sense in 2019 based on this excerpt, and expressions like 'that magical New Year's Eve' make me think you're a romantic novelist under the skin who might find success pursuing a different line of fiction writing.

H3K
« Last Edit: January 02, 2019, 03:10:11 PM by hillwalker3000 »

AJTrelawny

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Re: Bestie knows best.
« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2019, 05:45:50 PM »

Thank you both for your thought provoking feedback.