Author Topic: My Green Eyes  (Read 233 times)

DGSquared

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My Green Eyes
« on: October 04, 2018, 10:53:23 AM »
I hate this trite poem, written under the influence of too much Cabernet Sauvignon and haste. Since I cannot delete it, I will use this post as a working progression. Enjoy the train wreck. ::)


My Green Eyes

Not born of jealousy                                               Not born of petty jealousy
My green eyes                                                       My green eyes
Have seen the fall                                                  witness bitter decline
Of great men, leaders,                                            as great men lead to the demise
crawling from the craw                                           crawling to the craw
                                                                            to a beat, unwise

Not born of greed                                              Not bred for greed
My green eyes                                                   my green eyes
Said, “goodbye” to love                                      departed ways with lusty dreams
Prayed to God                                                    but only while the preacher spat
They told me he was, “Up above.”                       from the pulpit
                                                             reflected by in the prominence of stained glass windows   
Born of optimism
My green eyes                                                   Born optimistic
Believed in the better good                                 my green eyes
I try to help                                                       believe there is a greater good
If I only could                                                     .....Willy Wonka break

Born of hope
My green eyes
Reject the lies and bitter roots
Exposed in time
By ugly truths

I carry on
My green eyes
See the state of my universe
Can I alter
Greed’s worst curse?


In 10 minutes by Deb Galarza

« Last Edit: October 07, 2018, 02:43:58 PM by DGSquared »
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb

DGSquared

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Re: My Green Eyes
« Reply #1 on: October 04, 2018, 10:59:03 AM »
Clearly, I need help to give my thoughts, my poetry, greater dimension. Any and all suggestions will be greatly appreciated.


Thank you for bothering to read this far.
~Deb
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb

DGSquared

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Re: My Green Eyes, A Bad Work in Progress
« Reply #2 on: October 06, 2018, 01:00:36 PM »
Title change.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb

DGSquared

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Re: My Green Eyes
« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2019, 06:23:05 AM »
My Green Eyes

My green eyes
Witness bitter decline
As great men lead the demise
Crawling to the craw
To a beat unwise

Not bred for greed
My green eyes
Departed ways with lusty dreams
While the preacher spat
From the pulpit
In the prominence of stained glass windows
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb

Granda

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Re: My Green Eyes
« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2019, 03:18:49 PM »
Nicely tidied Deb.
1S, last line, how about "to beat the unwise"?
My heart (and the rest of me) belongs to the Northeast of England.

DGSquared

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Re: My Green Eyes
« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2019, 04:20:28 AM »
Thank you, Brian. My husband said it sounded off.



To a beat unwise


I tried to convey the same meaning as walking to the beat of a different drummer, an unwise beat or following in the footsteps of a  drummer who will lead leaders astray.

To follow the Pied Piper of evil, as it were.

Now, I've overexplained it to death.  ;)
« Last Edit: January 09, 2019, 04:26:18 AM by DGSquared »
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb

Granda

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Re: My Green Eyes
« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2019, 12:57:09 PM »
When you say the words "to a beat unwise", it's like a string. One follows the other. If you want it to emphasise a staggered beat, how about a comma after beat?

To a beat, unwise.

Better?
My heart (and the rest of me) belongs to the Northeast of England.

DGSquared

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Re: My Green Eyes
« Reply #7 on: January 10, 2019, 01:09:48 AM »
Since I'm not indicating the leaders are unwise in that particular line, but the beat they follow is, doesn't using a comma give it a different meaning? Meaning, it's an unwise thing to do? The beat is unwise. A stupid way to go.


Now, I'm rethinking that line altogether because it sounds choppy.

I shall try a different approach.

Thank you for making me look at it. ;)
« Last Edit: January 10, 2019, 01:18:19 AM by DGSquared »
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb