If Dogs Could Talk

[indar9]

If Dogs Could Talk

Let's take the pooch to the park
those are the new code words
for let's take Ursula for a walk
we have to change the language
on a regular basis--not that it helps much
she is brilliant at reading non-verbal signals.

We do what we can to prevent her throwing herself
at the cupboard door where her leash is hung
tugging at our clothes--all the while
screeching at 80 decibles.


If you don't know what I'm talking about
you've never had a dog:
they are capable of understanding
human speech regarding anything
that has to do with treats, walks
or the cutting of their toenails.

People have said to me:
don't you wish your dog could talk?

no--
no I don't:

dogs are manipulative, crazy single-minded
I can just about imagine what they'd say:

whatcha eating there? hmm? hmm? smells good
smells real good whatcha eating ?
gonna give me some? hmmm? huh?
smells good what's that smell?
where we going huh? where? when?
we going soon? what's the hold up?

Ask yourself--would they be as loveable?
Or would they be another demanding presence
with minds of their own upon which we can no longer
project our own perspective, philosophies,
and self-as-perfect-person.

[Mark Hoffmann]

I enjoyed it, but it's a bit prose-like in its current form. Splitting it up into short lines and verses probably adds little.

Where are you at with it, the first draft or well edited?

And what are you looking for from a review; do you want to make it more poetry-like or are you happy just to get the premise across?

Mark

[indar9]

I seem to have fallen into prosey writing whilst attempting poetry. I'm not certain why this is happening  or how to get into "the zone" by myself. This is a draft for sure.

I'm often able to write imagiste stuff when writing about "nature" but it has become a formula---and when I do I get kudos for it which is no longer helpful.
got advice?

[Mark Hoffmann]

We know you can write good poetry so my advice is put the graft in. I can tell you what my process is which might help.

Copy the current version to create a new draft so I don't lose anything I've written

Pare the revision back taking out every word and idea that is either not pulling its weight or is a repetition.
those are the new code words for =  code for

Review the bones that are left and move stuff about. This is not a suggested edit but to show what I mean you could start the poem with:
whatcha eating there? hmm? hmm? smells good

Add words back in where needed making them as vivid as possible.

Review and edit for sound.

Review and edit for rhythm.

Review this current version overall. If happy with the result then stop else repeat from step 1.

If it seems to be going nowhere or getting worse after say 6 revisions, park it for days/weeks/months/years.

M

[indar9]

Thanks Mark,

Reading over your suggestions I realize I've gotten lazy. I vow to do better.

[Mark Hoffmann]

and remember to have fun.