Author Topic: Simple Pleasures  (Read 10112 times)

coastpup

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Simple Pleasures
« on: March 21, 2018, 05:27:22 AM »
sitting with you on the beach
watching the tide change
and roasting marshmallows

these simple pleasures warm my soul
long after the chairs are loaded 
and the beach is in our rearview
"your life is a poem"

Mark Hoffmann

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Re: Simple Pleasures
« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2018, 07:02:34 AM »
Nice.

I like the way you don't force it.

I think you should switch L1 and L3 of S2 though. And possible L2 and L3 of S1.

Mark
Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

The Severed Hands of Oliver Olivovich
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biolaephesus

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Re: Simple Pleasures
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2018, 01:07:55 PM »
lovely
loved it
thanks
biola

coastpup

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Re: Simple Pleasures
« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2018, 03:24:35 PM »
Mark - thank you for the feedback~ do you mean like this?  I see how this flows better. 
~coastpup

and revised again.  :)

I am not sure I am as bothered by the repeated "ing" as you are Mark - can you say why that is to be avoided?

sitting with you on the beach
the tide rises little by little
as we roast marshmallows
 
these simple pleasures warm my soul
long after the chairs are loaded 
and the beach is in our rearview
« Last Edit: March 21, 2018, 04:53:31 PM by coastpup »
"your life is a poem"

Mark Hoffmann

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Re: Simple Pleasures
« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2018, 04:39:09 PM »
Yep.  :) Though re-reading it I now see why you had "these pleasure" right after the pleasures described. I think the change has teased out a potential issue.

It is not the pleasure that warms your soul but a later memory of them. and how much later?!

I can see exactly what you are getting at, and maybe that's enough. But when I read it there was just that little niggle. Long is a factor too. It's a long time since the chairs were loaded, yet the beach is still visible in the mirror.
 
These are just things to think about. If it works as is for you, that's fine.

I have one other suggestion for consideration.

You have 3 ings in S1. Nothing wrong with that of course, but the sound is not one you want to draw attention to. You could easily edit 1 or all out of the strophe.

M
Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

The Severed Hands of Oliver Olivovich
UK - https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B087SLGLSL
US - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B087ZN6L6V

FB Author Page - https://www.facebook.com/Mark-Hoffmann-Writer-102573844786590

coastpup

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Re: Simple Pleasures
« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2018, 05:45:53 PM »
and revised again.  :)

I am not sure I am as bothered by the repeated "ing" as you are Mark - can you say why that is to be avoided?

sitting with you on the beach
the tide rises little by little
as we roast marshmallows
 
these simple pleasures warm my soul
long after the chairs are loaded 
and the beach is in our rearview
"your life is a poem"

Mark Hoffmann

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Re: Simple Pleasures
« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2018, 06:24:32 PM »
...
I am not sure I am as bothered by the repeated "ing" as you are Mark - can you say why that is to be avoided?
...

As a poetry writer, you probably have different expectations of your reader. To fully experience your writing the reader will probably read the poem out loud so she can enjoy the sound and the feel, as well as the imagery, of your words. The lover of poetry will get almost as much out of the sound of the poem as they will out of the premise. So

blah blah ING
blah ING blah
ING blah blah

may leap out at them and draw attention to itself and detract from sounds you want them to hear.

This is just something to consider.  :) The flip side is that the original version had a smooth relaxed feel that worked well with the scene being described.

M
Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

The Severed Hands of Oliver Olivovich
UK - https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B087SLGLSL
US - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B087ZN6L6V

FB Author Page - https://www.facebook.com/Mark-Hoffmann-Writer-102573844786590

indar9

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Re: Simple Pleasures
« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2018, 06:40:03 PM »
there an additional argument in favor of avoiding ing (ahem)---ing words are less active/more passive as a rule:

I am sitting on a stool, you are reciting a poem while the cat is playing with the dog

I sit on a stool, you recite a poem while the cat plays with the dog

OK I admit the content isn't very exciting but to my ear and those of most astute readers the second would read as a more active voice and the active voice is usually more immediate which, in turn is more likely to engage the reader.

http://writewow.blogspot.com/2008/01/active-and-passive-voice.html

coastpup

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Re: Simple Pleasures
« Reply #8 on: March 22, 2018, 08:48:35 PM »
Thank you Mark and Indar.
and thank you for the link.

yes. I see the point about active and passive voice.
I think that the original version was intentional a  bit passive.

I guess my question now is - and perhaps Mark has already answered this - have the various revisions improved the original?
more active voice etc - or does it feel less relaxed altogether and more forced in spite of itself?

cp
"your life is a poem"

indar9

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Re: Simple Pleasures
« Reply #9 on: March 22, 2018, 09:22:05 PM »
There was a reshuffling of forums a while back and several of us that participated on the fore runner to this one established an all-poetry site. You may be interested:

http://www.tangledbranch.com/boards/

Mark Hoffmann

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Re: Simple Pleasures
« Reply #10 on: March 22, 2018, 10:59:10 PM »
...
I guess my question now is - and perhaps Mark has already answered this - have the various revisions improved the original?
...

The original was good and the revisions have not improved it IMO.

Mark
Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

The Severed Hands of Oliver Olivovich
UK - https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B087SLGLSL
US - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B087ZN6L6V

FB Author Page - https://www.facebook.com/Mark-Hoffmann-Writer-102573844786590