Author Topic: First Lines. Would a publisher or anyone want to read on?  (Read 6127 times)

Mrs N

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First Lines. Would a publisher or anyone want to read on?
« on: March 04, 2018, 04:26:05 PM »
Okay, back at the farm(old site) used to love these snippets, so thought to resurrect here! ;)

Here's a little something to kick things off.


On October 31, for no other reason than it falls on a Monday, I leave my wife. Monday’s make a tidy start. Later the irony of the date, Halloween, with a blackness of ceremonies, witches and curses, will not be lost on me. I should have picked a better day.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2018, 04:28:42 PM by Mrs N »

Dawn

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Re: First Lines. Would a publisher or anyone want to read on?
« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2018, 04:37:53 PM »
Okay, back at the farm(old site) used to love these snippets, so thought to resurrect here! ;)

Here's a little something to kick things off.


On October 31, for no other reason than it falls on a Monday, I leave my wife. Monday’s make a tidy start. Later the irony of the date, Halloween, with a blackness of ceremonies, witches and curses, will not be lost on me. I should have picked a better day.

I loved first liners too. Glad it's been resurrected.

I like the tone of this, Mrs N. Almost reminds me of Gone Girl. I think personally I don't need the part about blackness of ceremonies, witches and curses. I think the reader knows enough about Halloween and this could be cut.

Only my opinion though

Mark Hoffmann

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Re: First Lines. Would a publisher or anyone want to read on?
« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2018, 04:45:23 PM »
...
On October 31, for no other reason than it falls on a Monday, I leave my wife. Monday’s make a tidy start. Later the irony of the date, Halloween, with a blackness of ceremonies, witches and curses, will not be lost on me. I should have picked a better day.

Yes, I'd read on. As someone who was once married to a witch, I'm keen to see how the main character gets on.

BTW although I'm a fan of present tense I think that opening highlights some of the challenges!
Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

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Mrs N

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Re: First Lines. Would a publisher or anyone want to read on?
« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2018, 04:52:38 PM »
BTW although I'm a fan of present tense I think that opening highlights some of the challenges!
 

^^^
Have I screwed up?

Thanks for the read. What happened to the witchey wife? :P

Mrs N

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Re: First Lines. Would a publisher or anyone want to read on?
« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2018, 04:54:19 PM »
Thanks Dawn, Not so sure about losing the ceremonies. So glad you said Gone Girl, I have the same agent in mind... :P

Dawn

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Re: First Lines. Would a publisher or anyone want to read on?
« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2018, 05:06:49 PM »
I think some of it is past tense. However, I can see what you are trying to do and I’m not experienced enough to know if I’m right. If that makes sense?

Mrs N

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Re: First Lines. Would a publisher or anyone want to read on?
« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2018, 05:16:50 PM »
Yeah, it bobs a bit, but can it work? Cheers Dawn, you and me both!! ;D

Mark Hoffmann

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Re: First Lines. Would a publisher or anyone want to read on?
« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2018, 05:19:54 PM »
BTW although I'm a fan of present tense I think that opening highlights some of the challenges!
 

^^^
Have I screwed up?

Thanks for the read. What happened to the witchey wife? :P

No, I don't think you screwed up. But you go from what is happening (you leave) to what will happen in the future (the irony will not be lost). So grammatically correct, but for me at least, slightly jarring. How do you know what will happen as it hasn't happened yet? The irony might not occur to you.

The witchey wifie tried to cast a spell on me, but I grabbed a mirror and deflected it back at her. With a loud fizz, she turned into a bat and flew off into the night.
Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

The Severed Hands of Oliver Olivovich
UK - https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B087SLGLSL
US - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B087ZN6L6V

FB Author Page - https://www.facebook.com/Mark-Hoffmann-Writer-102573844786590

Mrs N

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Re: First Lines. Would a publisher or anyone want to read on?
« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2018, 05:27:27 PM »
BTW although I'm a fan of present tense I think that opening highlights some of the challenges!
 

^^^
Have I screwed up?

Thanks for the read. What happened to the witchey wife? :P


No, I don't think you screwed up. But you go from what is happening (you leave) to what will happen in the future (the irony will not be lost). So grammatically correct, but for me at least, slightly jarring. How do you know what will happen as it hasn't happened yet? The irony might not occur to you.

^^^ Okay. As long as it's correct that's fine. I'm a big fan of Kate Atkinson and she jumps all over the place and I love it! ;D

The witchey wifie tried to cast a spell on me, but I grabbed a mirror and deflected it back at her. With a loud fizz, she turned into a bat and flew off into the night. 

WOW! What a lucky escape.  8) 8) ;D
« Last Edit: March 04, 2018, 05:29:07 PM by Mrs N »

Dawn

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Re: First Lines. Would a publisher or anyone want to read on?
« Reply #9 on: March 04, 2018, 06:41:15 PM »
BTW although I'm a fan of present tense I think that opening highlights some of the challenges!
 

^^^
Have I screwed up?

Thanks for the read. What happened to the witchey wife? :P


No, I don't think you screwed up. But you go from what is happening (you leave) to what will happen in the future (the irony will not be lost). So grammatically correct, but for me at least, slightly jarring. How do you know what will happen as it hasn't happened yet? The irony might not occur to you.

^^^ Okay. As long as it's correct that's fine. I'm a big fan of Kate Atkinson and she jumps all over the place and I love it! ;D

The witchey wifie tried to cast a spell on me, but I grabbed a mirror and deflected it back at her. With a loud fizz, she turned into a bat and flew off into the night. 

WOW! What a lucky escape.  8) 8) ;D

Ah, Life after Life. 😍
I like present tense. To me it adds that modern feel to it.  I take it you switch tense and back again?

Mrs N

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Re: First Lines. Would a publisher or anyone want to read on?
« Reply #10 on: March 04, 2018, 08:49:40 PM »
Actually Dawn, my favourite book of hers is Behind the Scenes of the Museum and she does a wee bit of jumping in that. 8) 8)

Dawn

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Re: First Lines. Would a publisher or anyone want to read on?
« Reply #11 on: March 04, 2018, 10:32:02 PM »
Actually Dawn, my favourite book of hers is Behind the Scenes of the Museum and she does a wee bit of jumping in that. 8) 8)

Ah, I’ve not read that one yet. Next on the list is Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine but might try that afterwards.

Jo Bannister

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Re: First Lines. Would a publisher or anyone want to read on?
« Reply #12 on: March 05, 2018, 08:50:49 AM »
The plural of Monday is Mondays - no apostrophe.

I liked the concept, but I found it a bit over-complicated for an opening paragraph.  Partly because of the tenses; partly because you're trying to cram too much in.  The idea is to make sure readers keep reading, not to condense everything that might interest them into the smallest possible space!

Trust us.  Mention Hallowe'en and our own experiences will supply the rest.

Mrs N

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Re: First Lines. Would a publisher or anyone want to read on?
« Reply #13 on: March 05, 2018, 10:07:50 AM »
the idea is to make sure readers keep reading, not to condense everything that might interest them into the smallest possible space!

 ;D ;D ;D

Thanks, for the read, Jo. And the correction. This is only on the second re-read, so no doubt changes will be implemented. Also the fact Dawn and you said the same thing makes it worth considering killing the baby! . ;D :-*

Mrs N

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Re: First Lines. Would a publisher or anyone want to read on?
« Reply #14 on: March 05, 2018, 10:11:42 AM »
@Dawn. Scenes from the Museum was, I think, one of Kate Atkinson's first books. She won the Bridport prize with the first chapter, which is brilliant and worth a read on its own. :-*