Author Topic: Next door  (Read 9664 times)

biolaephesus

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Next door
« on: February 28, 2018, 08:05:48 AM »
the radio blared
the latest hit song
she got hit again
the tearing sound of her dress
the clapping sound of the audience
her screams of pain
their yells of joy
in one dance of rape and gape
and finally the silence
of her life
and the radio.

indar9

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Re: Next door
« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2018, 07:02:38 PM »
Hi Biola,

This poem is another in a number of things you have written concerning violence, especially toward women. Is it that prevalent?

the radio blared
the latest hit song
she got hit again (I'm not certain what to think about your double-meaning use of the word hit maybe a little gimmicky in the context of this very seious subject but in a way the repeat it is effective. Maybe someone else will weigh in on this}
the tearing sound of her dress
the clapping sound of the audience (again the play of your repetition of the word sound is probably meant to amplify the later mention of her final silence but I wonder if, during a rape in progress in the house next door, the sound of a tearing dress could be heard. I'd skip the second use of "sound" perhaps say "the scrape of furniture, her screams of pain. What is the audience clapping-those watching the rape?)
her screams of pain
their yells of joy
in one dance of rape and gape
and finally the silence
of her life
and the radio.

You tackle an uncomfortable subject--keep writing.

biolaephesus

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Re: Next door
« Reply #2 on: March 08, 2018, 07:40:21 PM »
Thanks, Indar,
I am contrasting a rape next door with the loud noise of the tenants. We are at war in my country even if it has not been formally announced. Rape is so constant and consistent and it is in the news every day. The police shrug, stare at you and tell you they have nothing to write the report with. You stare in helpless anger and shame.The pain of telling your daughter to keep quiet so she may get a husband. I am so angry and helpless. Rape is not just prevalent it is the new normal. Spousal violence takes a close second.
biola

Mark Hoffmann

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Re: Next door
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2018, 01:38:15 PM »
I don't know what to say about your plight and that of your fellows, that is not simply another platitude.  :(

Re the poem - there are a couple of things you mention in your reply above that, IMO, would make a better poem than the direct description of the poem itself. This often happens when writers explain what motivated them.

And what I mean by better is not so much the technical side of writing poetry, more so that you could write a poem that lingers in the mind of the reader. The current version is shocking but we live in a world of shocking things. So strive for something more. For me, the idea that rape is so commonplace that the police won't investigate is something you could build on.

Or the other approach is to try to show the magnitude of the problem. Nothing in the poem makes that point, yet from your comments, it is a factor. You are not writing about a rape you are writing about an epidemic. It may be that you have to tell not show - somethings can't be shown.

M



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biolaephesus

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Re: Next door
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2018, 06:03:27 PM »
Thanks, Mark,
I am learning
biola

ST

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Re: Next door
« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2018, 10:28:42 PM »
Firstly -
Quote

We are at war in my country even if it has not been formally announced. Rape is so constant and consistent and it is in the news every day. The police shrug, stare at you and tell you they have nothing to write the report with. You stare in helpless anger and shame.The pain of telling your daughter to keep quiet so she may get a husband. I am so angry and helpless. Rape is not just prevalent it is the new normal. Spousal violence takes a close second.

That's your poem.

Awesome!

I am barely a student of poetry. I admire from afar at what you poets can do. So, when I say, I'm unsure if the double usage worked, just take as advice from a novice. :)

I was unsure because I wondered if 'tearing' wasn't enough to produce 'sound' and so would something like  'tearing fabric of her dress' - my prose side always wants to give a bit more. I understand that in poetry a reader needs to use their mind more.

I think your piece lacked the punch which your quoted words above gave. That wall sort of buffered what you wanted to say. But in your reply, it felt closer to home.

Just me rambling.   

biolaephesus

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Re: Next door
« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2018, 01:11:48 PM »
ST,
it was not rambling at all. I thank you deeply. As I get more comfortable I will learn and improve. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate.
biola