Hi Biola
You certainly don't shy away from tackling the big topics do you!
I can see what you are trying to achieve with S1 by giving fragments of information rather than describing the scene, but it doesn't quite work IMO.
Take L1 - I guess the implication is that people are watching, but the way it runs into L2 it takes a while to figure that it is not the faces that are being held down.
You have a picture in your head, but when you read your own work, put your self in the readers head and start with a blank canvas - is the writing paining the picture you want it to?
I'm also not convinced by the hyenas - though I know nothing of their habits. Assuming they are like other mammals, the females will come in heat so how is that relevant? And do they really take turns - perhaps so? Or is it just the cackling that refers to the hyenas?
Frozen by (with?) fear is a cliche.
S2 has more potential and I'd be tempted to try writing from there and hint at the rape as the reason for her demise. Obviously S2L1 is all tell and to me you miss an opportunity to show how that rejection is carried out.
Is the downing metaphorical, or would women commit suicide in these situations? If the latter, then again I think that makes a more interesting story than the rape. Rape is despicable, but blaming the person who was raped, almost feels worse.
Mark
