Author Topic: First night.  (Read 3126 times)

Gyppo

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First night.
« on: February 03, 2018, 10:28:57 PM »
It's been a bit quiet in here...  I wrote this a good few years ago, when there was a new lady in my life.  Found a paper copy during a clear out.

=====

First Night

There's a stranger by my side,
who breathes to a different rhythm.
Not the pattern I know,
not the one which merged,
almost seamlessly with mine,
for many years.

It's new, and irregular,
almost impossible to sleep with.
But for now I'm happy to lie awake
absorbing and learning the new rhythm
and feeling her warmth alongside.

She sleeps, trusting me,
but I'm not quite there yet.
Instead I lie awake,
body heavy with relaxation,
hoping that this time I'm right.

===
« Last Edit: February 12, 2018, 07:33:51 PM by Gyppo »

Mark Hoffmann

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Re: First night.
« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2018, 11:52:59 AM »
It's an interesting observation. I've often thought about the the first kiss and how strange it can fee, but how quickly (assuming there are many more kisses) it starts to feel natural.

Your poem made me think about times I've been in that position and (for reasons I can't explain) I've tried sync my breathing to the other persons.

Not sure if you are up for revising this at all  :)

The ings on L4 and L5 of S2 stand out and sort of detract form the nice ah sounds you kick off in the line before and which continue continue in absorb warmth and alongside.

Not much else to object to. The pacing and rhythm are spot on IMO.

M
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Gyppo

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Re: First night.
« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2018, 12:13:35 PM »
I see your point about the 'ings'

But for now I'm happy to lie awake,
to absorb and learn the new rhythm,
and feel her warmth alongside.

I will ponder on this.

=====

As for attempting to synchronise breathing I suspect it's like the way some people  just naturally fall into step when walking with friends, despite never having been taught to march like soldiers.  Whilst other instinctively rebel against it and add a 'stutter step' to break the pattern when they realise it's starting to happen.  We all march to our own drum.
« Last Edit: February 05, 2018, 02:31:31 PM by Gyppo »

Mark Hoffmann

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Re: First night.
« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2018, 12:20:07 PM »
... We all march to our own drum.

Unfortunately, mine's playing the fandango.
Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

The Severed Hands of Oliver Olivovich
UK - https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B087SLGLSL
US - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B087ZN6L6V

FB Author Page - https://www.facebook.com/Mark-Hoffmann-Writer-102573844786590

indar9

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Re: First night.
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2018, 05:00:08 PM »
Young love (sigh) it can strike at any age. What a mature and insightful approach this is to an ancient human experience--very relatable. I love it :)

Gyppo

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Re: First night.
« Reply #5 on: February 12, 2018, 06:34:57 PM »
Thankyou, Indar.

biolaephesus

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Re: First night.
« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2018, 07:04:35 PM »
 ;D, never really remembered a first kiss, and my first night was awful.
Enjoyed the poem
biola

Frogg

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Re: First night.
« Reply #7 on: March 08, 2018, 11:16:58 PM »
Beautiful, love the rhythm.
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Gyppo

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Re: First night.
« Reply #8 on: March 08, 2018, 11:53:19 PM »
Thankyou.