Why the fork?

[Spell Chick]

Well, that is quite successful, too.

[Amie]

I suffer from Mrs H's upside-down toothpaste affliction (it doesn't fit into the cup holder cap down, and it looks messy if not in the cup. The cup is actually inside a cabinet, so I guess any messiness would be hidden, but it makes me happier to relish in the inter-cabinet tidiness.

I do have mild OCD, but I am fine with Mr S having his own toothpaste. He claims not to have OCD, but gets unreasonably disturbed if I use/touch any of his toiletries. So happier all around if I leave him to his own toiletry kingdom. He keeps them out of view, in case I transgress and use his, so everyone's happy

The current Mrs H does not have OCD. I know this because she has told me so. Nonetheless I know that two tubes of toothpaste would only be acceptable if they were juxtaposed so as to be perfectly aligned. Furthermore, one with a clamp and one without would surely lead to "consequences".

I've already disposed of a couple of wives and there is no more room under that patio slabs, so even though the current one is as mad as three-legged badger on a trampoline, I'm trying to be agreeable.  We've been together somewhere between 10 and 18 years ( or is it longer  ) and she has yet to try and stab me. I'm calling that a win!

[Mark Hoffmann]

It's the designers I feel sorry for. Striving for tidiness perfection they create a tube that not only springs back into shape, thus removing any unsightly wrinkles, but also sits upright on the shelf as smart as any Guardsman on parade. And yet, people all over the country hide their genius design from view. It's a crying shame!

[Spell Chick]

In our house, Mr Chick and I not only do not share a toothpaste, we do not share a bathroom. He has his and I have mine and no one even sees a toothpaste tube anywhere.

Ah, the joy of retirement.

[Amie]

Luxury.

In the U.K., it is quite common for houses to have only one bathroom.

And where they do have more than one (or additional cloakroom toilets) they are ridiculously limited in terms of where they can be positioned, and tend to be stacked around a single soil stack.

I grew up in Florida, where it was typical to have as many bathrooms as there were bedrooms (or sometimes one more, so that there could be a toilet for visiting guests who didn't need a bed for the night)

Why the fork can't British toilet architecture follow the Floridian model, with toilet/bathrooms aplenty?

We have one rather small bathroom, and an ensuits in the guest bedroom (toilet and wash-hand basin only - if they want a shower or bath they have to use the main bathroom, and I have to queue to use my own bathroom while they're in there!)

Middle class problems I guess

[Amie]

Oh, and for the record, although our home is ridiculously expensive compared to 90% of US homes, the bathroom is microscopic. Well, okay, it is macroscopic, but very small, about 5' x 7', with a big notch out of one corner).

Ah, space.

[Amie]

Also, hotel rooms without toilet brushes.

Say one in your party has a digestive ailment, the results of which cannot be completely elinated with a flush. Wouldn't it be far kinder to the room cleaner to let guests deal with that on their own, rather than leaving you to look like animals with poor toilet training?

[Mark Hoffmann]

Also, hotel rooms without toilet brushes.

Yes I noticed this in the last few years. Perhaps it is some health and safety cobblers.

[Mark Hoffmann]

Why the fork do clothes companies that send out catalogues targeting middle aged blokes like me, use young, skinny, foppish models?! Surely there are middle-aged models. Or do these marketing cretins think that anyone over fifty is so hideous that pictures of them will have people running for their sick buckets.

I do not want to see some rake-thin, floppy-haired cherub, staring at me from the catalogue pages as if he's contemplating his next game of Grand Theft Auto (or whatever it is these creatures find to amuse themselves). I want to see the clothes on someone like me: beardy and bulging.

And while I'm at it, how the hell am I suppose to know if I'm regular fit; straight fit, or slim fit?! Well I suppose I can rule out slim. Or can I? I'm slimmer than most blokes in their fifties. I'll go for regular fit because straight fit sounds a bit homophobic!

All this cobblers is "almost" enough to make me go to an actual shop. Nope strike that thought; that's just a step too bloody far. Regular fit it is and if I find that the jeans grip my thighs as tightly as a Yorkshireman grips his wallet, someone will be getting a very stern letter of complaint.

[Gyppo]

Now you know why I shop at army surplus places.  At least most of their clothes are designed to allow you room to move around, and not stand there like a stick insect wearing a Jim Morrison 'bad boy' look.

Alternatively, although some of their shirts would make even a floral shirt wearing three hundred pounds American feel sick, check out Dig Dude.  I don't get paid for this 'plug'.

https://www.bigdudeclothing.co.uk/

Much of their stuff is normal, but in bigger sizes.  Worth looking at anyway.

Gyppo

[Gyppo]

**Please note sizing is much smaller than other brands, you will need to go up a size or two on all Ben Sherman**

Why?

Why can't they just give sizes in inches, or even bloody metric.  Some of us are intelligent enough to know what size we are.  We can even remember from one buying trip to the next.

Bah!

[Mark Hoffmann]

Forking time wasters are another bunch who should be chopped up and fed to the piggies.

Let's pretend I have a Welsh girlfriend and order her a Sheep Onesie from an online retailer. The next day they send me an email to say it has been dispatched. AND because someone in their organisation has an MBA (or at least has some vague idea of what an MBA might be) they include in that email a link that says: Track Your Package.

Great I think. I'll use that to find out when it will be delivered. I follow the link only to be informed that ... my package has been dispatched. YES I know that you dimwit; you told me in the email.

Who do these buffoons think the're impressing?! Personally I'd prefer it if the email said: Your package has been dispatched, but we don't know when it will arrive because we are a bit crap.

[Mark Hoffmann]

Why the fork is Amazon spamming me? The email advertises 8 things each with a partial description. I'm not stupid enough to click on any of them because I know if I do they'll store that info and try to sell the item to me for the rest of natural life. And, the way marketing is going, I'll probably see "relevant" ads in the afterlife.

Partial descriptions that are not that tempting:

Personalised birthday wooden … (cake?)

Elvis the elephant snack … (how hungry do they think I am?)

BMW genuine active mug cup … (you'd have to be a mug to buy one!)

10Pcs dirt remove … (nope, no idea.)

Glass cup heat resistance … (determined to sell me a cup of some sort. Resistance is futile.)

[Mister URL]

Well, I can't resist this ... a public and acceptable forum for the Airing of Grievances.

Why the fork do so many people refuse to use their directional signals when driving? The law says use them; cars are equipped with them as standard equipment; they are are an obvious safety aid. Is there some hidden benefit to not allowing others to know what their intent is? Is it a protest against the legal strictures that attempt to control the highways? Perhaps these drivers are secret agents and are frequently pursued by enemies and therefore need to hide their turns. In any case, it is an irritant and danger to the rest of us.

[Mark Hoffmann]

Why the fork was this BBC report not strangled a birth?

An old bloke is given a hot meal. Cue moron stage left.

Reporter: An important part of the day for you, Bill, because this is extremely important to get this food? (shoves mic in Bill's face.)

Bill: Yep.

Reporter: Why is it important?

Bill: Because of the bad weather we're having.

Reporter: Why is it important to get a hot meal?

Bill: (says nothing)

Reporter: Why is it important to get a hot meal?

Bill: (says nothing)

Reporter: Because of the warmth?

Bill: Yeah.

Reporter: If you didn't get that, what would you have to do?

Bill: Cook it myself. Or get it myself?

Reporter: How difficult would that be?

Bill: Very difficult.

By this point I'm leaping up and down urging Bill to stab the fucker with his plastic knife. Go on, Bill, stab him!! How difficult would that be?!!

If you want to watch this tragic commentary on humankind go here: https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b09s89br/bbc-news-at-one-01032018

and skip forward to 28 mins 47 secs.

Mark (still fuming)