The Bar & Grill > Word Play

Why the fork?

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Mark Hoffmann:
The challenge is to write between 50 and 150 words about some pet peeve that makes you go: why the fork / why oh why, oh why, must it be so? Don't just list your annoyance, but don't labour the point either. Have as many goes as you like, but for each post stick to the word limit. Of course, no one will be counting, this isn't Germany.

I'll start.

Why the fork do people (usually a spouse) shout "careful" at you just AFTER you have stubbed your toe, or slipped over on the ice, or bumped into a lamppost?! Do they think you will say thanks, then go back in time and avoid the sodding incident! It is so pointless and so annoying: like rubbing salt into the wound. Yes, I know I should have been more careful, but it's too late now so shut up!

What's even worse is you find yourself shouting "careful" at others when they have a minor accident. Like a tourettes sufferer, the word is out there of its own volition and the next thing you know the accidentee is giving you a stare that if converted into words could not be repeated.

It makes you wonder: how much control do we really have over our mouths?

Spell Chick:
When grocery shopping, why do some people park themselves and their carts/baskets right in the middle of the aisle? Pick a damn side so those of us who need the salad dressing down there at the end of the aisle can scoot past your deliberating ass trying to determine which can of green beans is the perfect choice.

They make the aisles wide enough for traffic to flow IF and only IF you don't plug up the middle.

Next rant might be about the crap the store puts in the aisles as a temptation or special display, and which also plugs up the free flow of traffic. There must be some reason for this. Like I might decide I need a stray can of green beans while I wait for a chance to move forward.

Gyppo:
Why does the security guard at the local co-op spend three quarter of his time stood at the back of the shop talking to the shop-girls who are filling shelves?

I assume they are losing enough stuff to make it worth hiring him, but standing between those tall shelves he can't really see the door and at least half the time he can't see the curved security mirrors from where he's standing.  The girls working the tills by the door can see all the mirrors, so I suppose they could call out to him.  But if someone's doing a runner with a few quids worth of meat - and why keep the high value products by the door? - they've got a thirty or forty foot start on him.

Then the first thing he has to decide is which way they turned after leaving the store  It's a fifty-fifty chance, unless they come from one of the flats above the shop and wedged the push button activated door door open for a quick getaway.  If he makes the wrong choice they're long gone.

There are external cameras so the known shoplifters will appear on 'Stars in their eyes' when the cops check over the footage.

But matey in his smart uniform looks like a waste of space to me.  If he stood at the front, as a visual deterrent, he might be some use.  The girls could then give him a nod about known lifters or suspects.

He gave me a good looking over when I first encountered him.  Fair enough.  Wild looking older man with baggy clothes and big pockets.  Definitely a suspicious looking chap  ;-)  I wonder if he realised the assessment was a two way street.

I think the big lass who spends most of her time filling shelves and rarely gets behind a till would be more useful.  She looks infinitely more capable than he does.  I'm sure there's a martial art of some sort hidden behind her laid back style.  As they used to say in an old song there's 'something in the way she moves'. 

Spell Chick:
As far as I know, they never caught the asshat who tampered with the Tylenol and killed a bunch of random people.

But since then, bottles and jars of things have had a tamper-proof seal, for my protection. Bull. They don't give a flying monkey's ass about my protection. I know this because they seal these containers up and I must use a knife or scissors to get into the product. Kraft is one of the worst offenders.

If they really cared about me, the consumer, they would make the seal possible to get off without injuring myself. They don't. They do this so I or my survivors don't sue them. And they just really don't care about me for one nanosecond after the sale is complete.

Mark Hoffmann:
Before I get to my fork I'd like to support Patti. I have no idea what Tylenol is but I think even where there is no legal threat, companies simply don't put enough thought into how people, especially disabled people, or older people with arthritis or other conditions that affect your hands, are going to open packaging.

How I'd solve this if I ruled the world is the CEOs of companies would have to do a YouTube vid of themselves opening their products. And if said CEO's happened to be under 55, then they'd be made to wear padded gloves. If they failed to open the packaging in under 2 minutes, of if they stabbed themselves in the process, or if they failed to keep a happy smile on their faces while undertaking the chore, they'd be made to dance naked for 5 minutes to the theme tune from the Smurfs.

Anyway, my fork is sort of related in that it is product based. It's about the critical matter of the revolving plate in the microwave oven. Why the fork does it not stop in exactly the same position that it started from, so if the cup (or whatever) handle was in a convenient position when you put the thing in, it would be in the same convenient position for taking it out again?!

I of course know why – it's because the revolving process is linked to the timer. But, a microwave is voodoo magic anyway so the people who make them must be very special. Surely, they can stop the heaty- magic but keep the turny-magic going until the plate is in the same position!! Either they just can't be arsed, OR, it saves about 10p in manufacturing and the greedy buggers want that 10p for themselves, OR I am cleverer than them – seems unlikely but who knows.

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