Author Topic: One from the archives. Mixed genres ;-) May amuse.  (Read 200 times)


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One from the archives. Mixed genres ;-) May amuse.
« on: March 12, 2021, 11:54:10 PM »
Storytelling for kids is great, but I can't resist playing with the thought of Joe, our resident horror maestro, telling a story and getting just a little bit carried away...  (Please forgive me, Joe.)


Early one fine spring morning Pedro the rabbit was hopping merrily along through the woods.

Hop.  Hop.  Hop.  And loads more hops, but you get the picture.

All the little birds were singing.  Unfortunately they were all singing different songs so it sounded bloody awful.

'If only my friend Harry The Hawk was here' Pedro thought sadly.  'He'd soon shut them up.'

The reason Pedro was so grumpy was he'd spent the night doing Tequila Slammers with Doris the Doe, but despite her reputation as the easiest bit of tail - albeit a short fluffy one - in the forest he'd failed to score.

Suddenly the ground gave way underneath his big hoppy feet and he tumbled into a deep pit.

"Well, bless my little semi-spherical dangly bits."  Pedro sighed gently and stamped his foot - No, little girl in the front row with her hand up, I don't know which one and it doesn't really matter anyway you junior pedant - and tried to jump out of the trap, but it was no good.

At this point children I just know one of you soul-dead little logic monsters is bursting to remind me that rabbits can dig, and all Pedro needs to do is dig a sloping tunnel up through the side of the pit.  But Pedro isn't like other rabbits.  He's thick.  He's even denser than depleted uranium.  You won't know about depleted uranium yet, but don't worry it'll outlast you by several thousand years so you have a whole lifetime to learn about it.

Pedro is a story rabbit.  Even more to the point he's my story rabbit so he can only do what I want him to do.

At this point, all the birds finally start singing the same song.  Just like all those pathetic little mice in countless Disney movies.

"Why was he born so beautiful, and so unbelievably thick?
 He's stuck in a hole and he's gonna to die,
 let's hope it's not too quick."

What did you expect, sympathy?  Sympathy for a rabbit who is friends with a hawk?  Come on, use your imagination.

Suddenly a looming great shadow filled the pit and Pedro looked up.

"Oh!  Hello Mister Flesh Eating Zombie.  Could you give me a hand?"

"ooaauug" replied the Zombie, because as a species they're not renowned for their articulacy. No, geeky little boy at the back with glasses which make it look as if you have a bicycle perched on your dripping nose, articulacy doesn't mean he knows how to drive a large lorry.  Look it up!  But not until after I've finished.

The zombie rummaged in his lunch box and threw down a hand he hadn't finished earlier.

"Yukkkkkeeee" murmured Pedro, who hadn't allowed for that possibility.  But, in a flash of totally unexpected brilliance he hopped onto the hand, which was a 'big hand', like the one you're all going to give me when I finish shortly, and using the extra height and springiness managed to escape from the pit in a short burst of terror induced energy.

The trouble with fear induced energy, children, and please pay attention because this could happen to you one day, is Pedro jumped right out of his skin, which lay there at the bottom of the pit like a stuffed toy without any stuffing.  Very sad, but let's not dwell on the dark side of the tale.

"ooaauug!" shouted the Zombie, absolutely disgusted by the sight of a naked rabbit hopping frantically down the road.  There are some things that can make even a Zombie feel sick.

But Harry The Hawk, who was only Pedro's friend because he couldn't stand the feel of fur in his mouth -  which is rather like chewing a fleece jacket - swooped down from on high, and carried the stunned Pedro off to his nest where Mrs Hawk and their two greedy little hawks ripped him apart and thoroughly enjoyed their still-twitching meal.

The Zombie, still hungry and seeing a carrot Pedro had dropped in his panic, took a bite and had a few seconds to savour the unfamiliar and forbidden taste of vegetable juice before his head blew up, and scattered bone and grey brain tissue all over the place.

All the little birds, except for those who were near enough to get splattered and headed for the nearest bird bath to clean up, then burst into a joyous and unanimous song.

"Oh what a beautiful morning.
 Oh what a beautiful day.
 Harry The Hawk's full of Pedro,
 which means we can come out to play."

So, all's well that ends well, Kids.