Author Topic: Evening Plans  (Read 904 times)

indar9

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Evening Plans
« on: March 08, 2021, 06:47:17 AM »
Clouds hit the mountain range
east of here, heave up
until, I swear, Mt. Palomar
looks like the ghost
of Kilimanjaro.

There's a big telescope up there,
Palomar I mean, operated by scientists.
Do they ever look down here
when rain sweeps toward them
off the Pacific ocean
knowing their altitude
will turn rain to snow
and soon they will shine in our sun rise?

Maybe some day
I will cut a hole in my bedroom ceiling
so I can lay face up
on my new purple duvet
and plot my course.

DGSquared

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Re: Evening Plans
« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2021, 03:28:42 AM »
I like this one, Linda. I know the mountain you speak of, too.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb

Mark Hoffmann

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Re: Evening Plans
« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2021, 01:18:41 PM »
I like it too.

As this is a review section I'll make one suggestion. Could you find a more interesting word than "operated"? I don't have one in mind BTW :)
Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

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indar9

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Re: Evening Plans
« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2021, 02:27:16 PM »
Thanks Deb. Great campground up there. I've written more than one poem about the thrill-a-minute drive on all those switchbacks down the mountain and the spectacular view of the ocean 60 some miles away on the rare day that it's clear enough.

Thank you as well Mark.

There's a big telescope up there,
Palomar I mean,
that opens the sky to scientists.
Do they ever look down here


Better? Any single word I think of is worse than "operated". As usual this one will take another 2 years to get where its going. I'm still editing poems I posted on MWC


Mark Hoffmann

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Re: Evening Plans
« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2021, 03:22:21 PM »
Yes, better.  :)
Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

The Severed Hands of Oliver Olivovich
UK - https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B087SLGLSL
US - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B087ZN6L6V

FB Author Page - https://www.facebook.com/Mark-Hoffmann-Writer-102573844786590

DGSquared

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Re: Evening Plans
« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2021, 09:12:54 AM »
I like it too.

As this is a review section I'll make one suggestion. Could you find a more interesting word than "operated"? I don't have one in mind BTW :)

Gosh. I have my boards confused. I thought this area was merely for sharing.

Crits? I have to use my grits and come back later.

Note to self: Read the stickies, Deb-or-AH
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb