Author Topic: Mama Cries  (Read 541 times)

DGSquared

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Mama Cries
« on: January 20, 2021, 10:30:42 AM »
The Times They are a Changing

Through pursed lips and
Ruffle's Potato Chips
she cries

A manicured pinky
on a shaky hand

The world will change
and no one will notice,


~Deb
1/20/21



"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb

Mark Hoffmann

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Re: Mama Cries
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2021, 11:36:19 AM »
This is really good. here's not an ounce of waste in there and the imagery is spot on.

The vast amount that you manage to convey in the first three lines shows real skill.

I know the final strophe is meant to hint at what will come, but I'd be tempted to take a step back out of the writer's emotional interaction and consider it from the perspective of an observer. That way you could tighten the ending.

The world changed.
No one noticed.
Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

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DGSquared

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Re: Mama Cries
« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2021, 01:16:25 PM »
Oh, I like it much better. Thank you, Mark.


The Times They Are a Changing

Through pursed lips and
Ruffle's Potato Chips
she cries

A manicured pinky
on a shaky hand

The world changed.
No one noticed.


~Deb
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb