Author Topic: Your favourite news headline of the day  (Read 11134 times)

Gyppo

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Re: Your favourite news headline of the day
« Reply #360 on: April 17, 2021, 09:44:58 AM »
Jo's report, whilst largely accurate, fails to address the hidden story.

It's down to a once in a lifetime combination of events.

Brain dead extra-terrestrials, poor English language usage by the 'Grammarly Generation' of journalists, and punitive word count budgets in the headline editing department.  Plus lockdown.

The real story is that thousands of gnomes have vanished from gardens around the country, which could have been a great story for a quiet news day.

'Going...  Going... Gnome.'  That would have been a punchy headline.  Or "G-nome fishing."  Or "Deadly new strain of Mutated Giant Chinese Goldfish Drag Gnomes Under."  But the word processing software said "No!  No! A thousand times, No!".

Or even an international conspiracy theory...

Gnome Gnodfather Gned summons the G-Clan to his home in America for a conference.   Aimed to resolve growing tensions between the three main races, Concrete, Plaster, and the ridiculously prolific newcomers, Resins.

Home owner Patti says, "Gee. I never expected to see that many Gnomes in one place.  I opened the garage door and thousands of the little perverts were staring at me as I did my morning workout.

"Some of the more muscular ones discarded their fishing rods and were joining in, weight lifting with my Dick's socket wrenches, and using his golf balls for balance exercises.

"After a while I got used to them, and Gned slapped down any that seemed a bit too familiar.

"Dick just ignored them - with the exception of one wearing a Cammo t-shirt and shorts - who hitched a ride on his golf bag with him - and mumbled that it served me right for hanging out online with a  bunch of weird-ass writers."

===

On a more mundane level the UK lockdown has led to empty streets, and the Extra-Terrestrial tourist trips have led the more simple minded little green men to believe that the Gnomes were in fact the entire population of earth.

As they offered no resistance  they were scooped up in thousands and submitted  to the usual tests.  Their refusal to communicate, resistance to pain, and the lack of anuses for the traditional 'probing' - which is a feature of such abductions - has led the little green men to assume Earthlings are unbelievably tough and resilient.

As a result all plans for an invasion have been cancelled, and any future UFO flights will be 'observation only'.  So the UFO freaks will still get their thrills, and the rest of us can sleep easy in our beds.

Our planet has been saved by Garden Gnomes.  If you feel any gratitude towards the little folks then make this the year to give them a new coat of paint.  And remember to keep your goldfish well fed.  Just in case.

Gyppo -  Fearless Fracturer of The Final Frontier.
« Last Edit: April 27, 2021, 11:44:36 AM by Gyppo »

Mark Hoffmann

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Re: Your favourite news headline of the day
« Reply #361 on: April 17, 2021, 10:57:32 AM »
The actual story (BBC news) is just waffle and gibberish.

On the one hand:

Quote
Suez canal blockage blamed

On the other:
Quote
... there had been a "massive upswing" in the sales of garden gnomes.

"We haven't seen a gnome in six months now unfortunately."

So the shortage started before the Suez canal blockage and yet the blockage is to blame. Is this waffle or gibberish? It's hard to decide.  :-\
Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

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Gyppo

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Re: Your favourite news headline of the day
« Reply #362 on: April 17, 2021, 11:07:25 AM »
Is this waffle or gibberish? It's hard to decide.  :-\

If I said 'it's all a question of semantics' would I be construed as accusing the Jews of getting up to playful mischief?

Mark Hoffmann

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Re: Your favourite news headline of the day
« Reply #363 on: April 27, 2021, 11:41:47 AM »
Abrdn: Standard Life Aberdeen vowel-less rebrand mocked

It has been a lifelong pastime of mine to mock not only the deluded cretins who work in marketing but also the half-witted dolts who fall for the nonsense they pedal. So, it was pleasing to see others joining my cause.

Quote
Investment house Standard Life Aberdeen has announced a new name - with most of its vowels removed.

The firm said its new name "Abrdn" would still be pronounced "Aberdeen", but that the rebrand would make it "modern" and "dynamic".

LOL

I have to say though, that the mockery fell way short of what I'd hoped for.

Quote
"Standard Life Aberdeen needed to sort out its branding, but the new Abrdn name will likely leave investors feeling dazed and confused .... the firm's need to explain how to pronounce the new name would "not be lost on financial advisers up and down the country".

It's hard to decide who is the biggest waste of oxygen; the marketing cretin who came up with the plan or the feeble-minded mocker who thinks it will have people dazed and confused.

Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

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Jo Bannister

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Re: Your favourite news headline of the day
« Reply #364 on: April 27, 2021, 08:32:20 PM »
The lunatics have finally taken over the asylum.  And they're drawing big wages!

DGSquared

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Re: Your favourite news headline of the day
« Reply #365 on: April 29, 2021, 08:33:24 AM »
Indeed, Jo.

A guy killed by his own cock? Sounds like he was asking for trouble. I'd be mad as Hell too if my owner made me fight cocks for money.


Not a favorite but it caught my eye because it sounded absurd.

‘This makes Jim Crow look like Jim Eagle,’ Biden says of G.O.P. efforts to curtail voting.

Things go from bad to worse.

I know what Biden's trying to say. He just said it so badly. I wish Trump's replacement didn't sound like he was just waking from a nap almost every time he's opened his mouth.

The G.O.P. is pulling out all the stops to make voting more difficult for the already under-represented.

Elitists!
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

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Mark Hoffmann

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Re: Your favourite news headline of the day
« Reply #366 on: April 29, 2021, 09:09:12 AM »
Call for Snowdon to only be known by Welsh name

Quote
It follows a motion brought by a Gwynedd county councillor that Snowdonia National Park authorities be asked to only refer to Snowdon as Yr Wyddfa, and Snowdonia as Eryri.

Quote
The English names for Snowdonia and Snowdon are thought to derive from the Saxon: snow dune, meaning snow hill.

But the most interesting thing is that

Quote
The highest mountain in the world, Mount Everest, is NOT commonly known by its Tibetan name Chomolungma ... Its English name comes from Colonel Sir George Everest, who was born in Crickhowell, Powys, Wales.

So the highest mountain in the world is named after a Welshman. And the Welsh want to rename their highest mountain because they don't like it having an English name.


Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

The Severed Hands of Oliver Olivovich
UK - https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B087SLGLSL
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FB Author Page - https://www.facebook.com/Mark-Hoffmann-Writer-102573844786590

Mark Hoffmann

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Re: Your favourite news headline of the day
« Reply #367 on: April 30, 2021, 09:57:35 PM »
McDonald's robber who demanded chicken nuggets jailed

Quote
A man who raided a McDonald's brandishing a fake gun and demanding nuggets has been jailed, after fleeing with a McMuffin and cash from the till.

He demanded cash and chicken nuggets and was told they were only serving breakfast so chose a double-sausage McMuffin.

He has been jailed for six years.

You couldn't make this stuff up.

Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

The Severed Hands of Oliver Olivovich
UK - https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B087SLGLSL
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FB Author Page - https://www.facebook.com/Mark-Hoffmann-Writer-102573844786590

Jo Bannister

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Re: Your favourite news headline of the day
« Reply #368 on: May 01, 2021, 09:51:46 AM »
It may be apochryphal, but during the run of airplane hijackings in the last quarter of the 20th century a man is said to have produced a gun on an American inter-city flight and demanded to be taken to Chicago.

"But sir," said the flight attendant, puzzled but polite as ever, "this plane is going to Chicago!"

"I know what it says on my ticket," said the man darkly.  "But I've been hijacked three times on this route.  This time I'm damn well going to Chicago."