Author Topic: Edibles & Mead  (Read 1423 times)

DGSquared

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Edibles & Mead
« on: January 28, 2020, 06:37:04 AM »
Seemed like a good idea at the time. ;)


Edibles & Mead


A writer delves

into the depths
of a character’s being.

Comes out a different person,
a rebuilt soul.
The crux of empathy, tragedy, reality,
imagination and fear.

The essence of hope
and misguided missiles.

Thin threads that bind...

a dare to promise
a promise to dare.

An Emissary of Earth,
life, and compassion.
A piece to,
or contrast of,
our own lost selves.

Fractioned.

The elemental shards
of the blocks that built the walls
of our lives -
your life.

Break from

the anchors of depression
that limit our possibilities

while our weary,
intrepid souls search
for meaning
and a glue gun.


~Deb

January 27, 2020
« Last Edit: January 28, 2020, 08:06:04 AM by DGSquared »
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb

DGSquared

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Re: Edibles & Mead
« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2020, 08:36:49 AM »
Hello, Trite, have you met Cliche'? :-[
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb

Mark Hoffmann

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Re: Edibles & Mead
« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2020, 08:51:52 AM »
Is this for review?

If so ...

It has too many words and too few words. How annoying is that?!  ;D There's one phrase that I really like, and with a tiny tweak (I tweaked), it could be even better.

Fractioned.

The elemental shards
that built the walls
     of our lives.


I also like misguided missiles and the way you use it as a metaphor rather than feel it must be a simile.

The problem is not triteness, but abstraction IMO. Just switch a quarter of the abstrations for concrete imagery then you will be ready for the paring process.

I'll be interested to see how it develops.

 :-* :-*



Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

The Severed Hands of Oliver Olivovich
UK - https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B087SLGLSL
US - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B087ZN6L6V

FB Author Page - https://www.facebook.com/Mark-Hoffmann-Writer-102573844786590

DGSquared

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Re: Edibles & Mead
« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2020, 08:59:05 AM »
Thanks, Mark. I like your tweak. It will be interesting for me as well to approach it in a different state of mind because I'm kinda' hating it just now. ;D

« Last Edit: January 28, 2020, 09:02:47 AM by DGSquared »
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb

Mark Hoffmann

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Re: Edibles & Mead
« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2020, 10:56:01 AM »
I realised after I'd made my comment (there's been a long dog walk in the interim)  that my tweak was based solely on how the strophe would sound (and feel in the mouth when spoken) and that it makes less logical sense without the bricks. The trick is to get both the meaning and the sounds - that's what makes it so hard.

This might make more sense and retain the lovely assonance you had originally.

The elemental shards
fallen from the walls
     that built our lives.


Well if you hate it, the only way is up  :)
Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

The Severed Hands of Oliver Olivovich
UK - https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B087SLGLSL
US - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B087ZN6L6V

FB Author Page - https://www.facebook.com/Mark-Hoffmann-Writer-102573844786590

Dylan di Vilde

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Re: Edibles & Mead
« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2020, 09:24:32 AM »
to paraphrase Tina Turner - What's mead got to do with it?


Read more of my poems in my new book - Rescued from Oblivion.  Available now at https://www.feedaread.com/profiles/10661/

DGSquared

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Re: Edibles & Mead
« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2020, 08:23:23 AM »
to paraphrase Tina Turner - What's mead got to do with it?
;D

I'm not sure but I think that's what it'll take to get me to work on it tonight.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb