Edibles & Mead

[DGSquared]

Seemed like a good idea at the time.


Edibles & Mead


A writer delves

into the depths
of a character’s being.

Comes out a different person,
a rebuilt soul.
The crux of empathy, tragedy, reality,
imagination and fear.

The essence of hope
and misguided missiles.

Thin threads that bind...

a dare to promise
a promise to dare.

An Emissary of Earth,
life, and compassion.
A piece to,
or contrast of,
our own lost selves.

Fractioned.

The elemental shards
of the blocks that built the walls
of our lives -
your life.

Break from

the anchors of depression
that limit our possibilities

while our weary,
intrepid souls search
for meaning
and a glue gun.


~Deb

January 27, 2020

[DGSquared]

Hello, Trite, have you met Cliche'?

[Mark Hoffmann]

Is this for review?

If so ...

It has too many words and too few words. How annoying is that?!  There's one phrase that I really like, and with a tiny tweak (I tweaked), it could be even better.

Fractioned.

The elemental shards
that built the walls
     of our lives.

I also like misguided missiles and the way you use it as a metaphor rather than feel it must be a simile.

The problem is not triteness, but abstraction IMO. Just switch a quarter of the abstrations for concrete imagery then you will be ready for the paring process.

I'll be interested to see how it develops.

 

[DGSquared]

Thanks, Mark. I like your tweak. It will be interesting for me as well to approach it in a different state of mind because I'm kinda' hating it just now.

[Mark Hoffmann]

I realised after I'd made my comment (there's been a long dog walk in the interim)  that my tweak was based solely on how the strophe would sound (and feel in the mouth when spoken) and that it makes less logical sense without the bricks. The trick is to get both the meaning and the sounds - that's what makes it so hard.

This might make more sense and retain the lovely assonance you had originally.

The elemental shards
fallen from the walls
     that built our lives.


Well if you hate it, the only way is up 

[Dylan di Vilde]

to paraphrase Tina Turner - What's mead got to do with it?

[DGSquared]

to paraphrase Tina Turner - What's mead got to do with it?

I'm not sure but I think that's what it'll take to get me to work on it tonight.