Author Topic: Snippets Needs Help Tonight  (Read 407 times)

DGSquared

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Snippets Needs Help Tonight
« on: December 18, 2019, 11:28:28 AM »
…Snippets:
]

Brilliance slips away
on particulate matter.
You’re not the banker
so let the cards scatter.

The painter allows
colors to bleed.
Rare, carbon-trace-papers
seldom at need.

Yet you cling today
on a slippery ladder.
You’re beaten, and blanker,
and profoundly sadder

Acknowledge decay
and reality clatter
The consequence anchor
and plain, simple clatter


Help!
Any and all thoughts are helpful. The last two lines are particularly dreadful and my editing capabilities here have taken a whacky turn.
Thanks.  :)


as your thoughts tatter…
while your conscience does smatter
as your conscience does scatter…. [/i]





The last two lines wandered off with the wine.
« Last Edit: December 18, 2019, 08:01:42 PM by DGSquared »
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb

DGSquared

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Re: Snippets Needs Help Tonight
« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2019, 11:40:21 AM »
P.S. I may recant this within 48 hours. 

~ Name forgotten and  NMI. Thanks.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb

Lin Treadgold

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Re: Snippets Needs Help Tonight
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2019, 10:02:23 AM »
Well it certainly got me reading it! 

On this line I think it's a trifle clumsy
Brilliance slips away

On this line
The painter allows
colors to bleed.
Rare, carbon-trace-papers
seldom at need.

I think the word 'allows' needs changing.  Search your thesaurus for a stronger word. 

Eg The painter accepts colours that bleed.  (I paint so I so accept this kind of paint behaviour)

Overall I liked it.  Keep going.

Lin x x




DGSquared

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Re: Snippets Needs Help Tonight
« Reply #3 on: December 22, 2019, 10:38:32 AM »
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, Lin. I believe you are right. I'll take your advice and see what I get.

Thanks again.

~Deb
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb