Author Topic: Tides  (Read 22790 times)

DGSquared

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Tides
« on: September 01, 2019, 07:01:39 AM »
Tides

Mindless games
of Solitaire and Mahjong -
weak levies
against the turbulent tides
of an incandescent ocean
bursting with life.

Sanity ceases the gentle lapping
on the shores of my memories
as a tempest
threatens to break my grip
from the rocks I cling to.

I lose my grasp
on these thoughts
in a tumultuous
waterspout of words.
Snippets splashed away.

Logic escapes
in churning angst.
Thoughts remain
dancing in kelp gardens
awaiting the next storm.

I welcome the antagonistic,
ireful, rising swell
because I know
when the seas settle
an upsurge of anguish follows.

Then the ocean calms
to reclaim
its rhythmic push and pull
of memories
in tiny grains of sand.

The sunken ships
of my regrets,
recovered in the haunting depths
by luminous corals and tropical fish
wearing stained-glass wetsuits.

Low tide creates
a mirror
on the shoreline,
an orange and yellow sunset
with blushing clouds.

I find a sand dollar
and marvel at its wonder.
Catch a glint of well-traveled sea glass
and appreciate the undercurrents
that smoothed its sharp edges.

An intricate, empty seashell
held to my ear,
I listen to the ocean of my life
echoed back to me,
resonating in my soul.


~Deborah Manning-Galarza
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb

Mark Hoffmann

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Re: Tides
« Reply #1 on: September 01, 2019, 09:14:01 AM »
Very nice, especially the rhythm and sonics. The subject matter may be well-trodden and thus harder to write with originality, but I think you do a good job. Some nice imagery too - I love the stained glass wet suits.

I have one suggestion for you. The sunken ships metaphor is a good one, but I think you could strengthen it by being bold.

My regrets are sunken ships
...

Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

The Severed Hands of Oliver Olivovich
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DGSquared

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Re: Tides
« Reply #2 on: September 02, 2019, 01:51:04 AM »
Thank you, Mark. :-*

 I appreciate your comments and I like your suggestion.

With it, I rearranged things a bit. Wreckage may be overused in poetry but I sort of like it here. The lines roll off my lips easily enough when I read it out loud but it looks clumsy on the page.  What do you think?

My regrets
are sunken ships.
Wreckage in the haunting depths
surrounded by luminous corals
and tropical fish
wearing stained-glass wetsuits.


~Deb
« Last Edit: September 02, 2019, 01:52:43 AM by DGSquared »
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb

Mark Hoffmann

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Re: Tides
« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2019, 07:26:30 AM »
I definitely go for keeping "are sunken ships" on line 1 of the strophe. In my head I hear that line read quickly,  ... then a pause before wreckage. Like this:

My regrets are sunken ships.

Wreckage
in the haunting depths

On another point, you could, though it changes the meaning slightly, get rid of the ing word and use haunted.  :)

I assume the corals and fish are meant to represent positive things in your life? If so you could make the fish angelfish. You will lose the assonance from corals/tropical, but you instead you gain angel/stain :) I'm not sure which is best from a sonics point of view but angel adds a bit more meaning.

M
Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

The Severed Hands of Oliver Olivovich
UK - https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B087SLGLSL
US - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B087ZN6L6V

FB Author Page - https://www.facebook.com/Mark-Hoffmann-Writer-102573844786590

DGSquared

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Re: Tides
« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2019, 06:29:19 AM »
My regrets
are sunken ships.
Wreckage
in the haunting depths
surrounded by luminous corals
and angelfish
wearing stained-glass wetsuits.


What do you think of this edit, Mark? I've read it the other way so many times that I have to let this settle in my brain. I do like the angelfish with stained-glass wetsuits but the word, tropical, has a hold of me here. Does that even make sense?

Thank you for your ideas and comments.

~Deb
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb

Mark Hoffmann

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Re: Tides
« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2019, 06:55:18 AM »
I really like it  :)
Writing humour is the hardest thing since sliced bread.

The Severed Hands of Oliver Olivovich
UK - https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B087SLGLSL
US - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B087ZN6L6V

FB Author Page - https://www.facebook.com/Mark-Hoffmann-Writer-102573844786590