One parapgraph

[hillwalker3000]

Thanks Dansigner . . . imagine a contemporary Alice in Wonderland combined with a touch of magic realism and that's how I hope it will turn out.

H3K

[Dwin7454]

Thought i'd jump in feet first. This is the paragraph that i think needs a new approach;-

Jack stood looking out over the valley at the view of the purple heather covering the moors, low mist blocking out the view of the valley floor. Sheep wandered among the heather stopping every now and then to chew on the rare tufts of grass that could be found there. He’d seen the sun rise over the hills and moorland half an hour ago, standing as still as a statue in the same place for the last hour.

[Mark Hoffmann]

Thought i'd jump in feet first. This is the paragraph that i think needs a new approach;-

Jack stood looking out over the valley at the view of the purple heather covering the moors, low mist blocking out the view of the valley floor. Sheep wandered among the heather stopping every now and then to chew on the rare tufts of grass that could be found there. He’d seen the sun rise over the hills and moorland half an hour ago, standing as still as a statue in the same place for the last hour.

My personal view on this problem is that you need to split the writing of this particular paragraph into 2 distinct activities and don't let them bleed into each other. 1) write what you want to communicate in the fewest words possible, then 2) go back and edit it for style and mood.

[hillwalker3000]

Jack stood looking out over the valley at the view of the purple heather covering the moors, low mist blocking out the view of the valley floor. Sheep wandered among the heather stopping every now and then to chew on the rare tufts of grass that could be found there. He’d seen the sun rise over the hills and moorland half an hour ago, standing as still as a statue in the same place for the last hour.

First impressions, you use a lot of words and tend to repeat certain phrases (like 'the valley' or 'the view') yet tell us very little. The sheep don't add anything and simply divert the narrative focus away from what your main character was doing.
Is it important that he stood there for an hour - and half an hour ago watched the sun rise?
We're also left wondering what was standing still as a statue - was it the sun or Jack?
The lasting image is one of confusion.

Stripped down to its basics, we probably only need to be told this:

Jack had stood looking at the purple heather covering the moors for the last hour. He'd watched the sun rise, and now a blanket of mist filled the valley floor.

Whether there's enough here to make a reader desperate to find out more is questionable.

H3K

[Dwin7454]

Thanks for the feedback and the points are well taken. Editing and rewriting is something I need to work on.

[Lin Treadgold]

Here's my first paragraph which I am struggling with just now.  How appealing is it and does it make you want to know more?

Agnes Brownlea’s deceit had caught up with her. A nagging doubt triggered memories of her earlier life and it was difficult to ignore. Her friends seemed to have understood her ways and no longer did she feel the need to flee or hide, but now she must put the past behind her, after all, the children were older and time changes people, doesn’t it? She hoped the doubts would stop chasing her.

This is a war time romance novel.

Thanks

[Mark Hoffmann]

Lin

I think you are trying to be too coy with all these hints and no solid info. The worst bit is the nagging doubt triggering memories. Unless we know what that is it all gets a bit abstract. Same with her ways: just knowing her friends understood (did you mean accepted) them without any clue what they were, does not give the reader anything to work with.

I understand you don't want to reveal too much, but I think you should find ways (more concrete ways) to keep the secret. Perhaps give something away that leaves a number of options open.

Mark

[Lin Treadgold]

Thanks Mark well commented will take note. Im trying not to give anything away at this stage.  What happens later in the next pages, shows the reader the personality of Agnes and why she may be so secretive. 

Lin x

[hillwalker3000]

Lin - I'm sensing a story where something unexpected forces Agnes to confront her past before putting her misgivings to rest once and for all. That's an intriguing enough idea. But I'm not sure this paragraph does what you want it to. It's far too busy.

Agnes Brownlea’s deceit had caught up with her.

This opening line makes an immediate impact because it suggests the worst has already happened - but what follows (which is presumably a recap of events prior to her sudden predicament) diminishes the effect of impending doom.
Doubts that she can't ignore trigger memories - but she no longer feels the need to flee or hide because she can put the past behind her in the hope the doubts no longer chase her. Uh? Based on your first sentence, the timeframe doesn't make a lot of sense when laid out like this. Are the doubts that are chasing her the same ones that have caught up with her?

My advice. Keep the opening line then ditch the rest and get on with the story instead of trying to tease the reader with what reads to me like a rather clunky blurb. We're already hooked - time to cut to the chase.

H3K

[Lin Treadgold]

When you have been working on this for so long you tend to lose sight of reading it with fresh eyes.  Will look at your comments and make the changes.  I think I was trying to get the reader to read on. keeping the intrigue going throughout the book.  It's not until the end do we discover what has been on Agnes' mind all these years.

Thanks for your comments.  Ive deleted the extra bits and kept the impact - much better.  Thanks to you both for your help.

Lin